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You killed me
Should I have put it less severe. You stood by and stole everything I held dear. I loved you with everything I had. My heart my mind, my body, my soul. Can you ever realize how much I did love you, despite the fact that you were always naive and immature. You will never know the pain you caused, how it effects every second of every day.
Yes around my friends I seem ok, laughing at jokes, being cool at parties, and being the guy everyone can go to....but I'm not. At the end of the day when I say goodbye to my friends, and I'm alone in my room, your all I want. I cant get you out of my head. I have been through so much in my life....the divorce, my nephew, my alcoholic father, my vengeful mother. You will never understand what its like to be so unbalanced. When I met you I was tipsy, not knowing what way I would fall, but you pulled me back up, in your arms and in your heart. I saw something pure in you, something innocent. Who could have known that it was that innocence and naiveness that bit me in the a** at the end. Stephanie, you will never in your life understand how I feel or how you hurt me. You havent been through anything in your perfect life, how could you comprehend. I saw myself as weak, so when I met you I wanted to be the strong one. Telling you things about the world, teaching you phrases and showing you cool bands and movies. You looked up to me so much and it felt good to be loved and appreciated for once, to be looked up to instead of glared down on.


Now this, this empty hole inside my soul. I used to laugh at those kids, those stupid black wearing drama ******** who would listen to strange music and cut themselves. But as my arm dripped red, for the very first time....I understood.
It seemed that I let down my armor, and you invaded, pillaged and raped what you could get. Now I am hurt, defensive, angry, and my armor is so high up its hard to let anyone in...

So why the hell, after all of the pain and sorrow, do I still scream your name at the end of each day? The memories floating through my head. How the ******** do you get those away. You living your life like I was a speed bump, saying that you were sorry and wanted to work things out, but then never doing it. You say sorry like its candy, like you can say it and things will magically change without you lifting a finger. I burned your pictures, your things, and I cried when I did it, hoping that some sort of fiery visual would rid your hold on me. Some things however, like the memory of me holding you, while you cried, while you laughed, while you told me secrets, while I cried, while we made love while I carried you across the big puddle in the rain your eyes locked in mine with so much love I could burst........how do I let those die????????????????


Some days, when I fall to my knees crying those cries where you cry so hard at first that your mouth is open, snot running everywhere....you don't even make a sound at first as your head leans against the floor. You take a small breathe and scream so loud in anguish, your cat has a heart attack.

It's not the fact that you didn't know what you wanted because you were too young and naive to know if you loved me or not. It's not the fact that you don't feel love towards me anymore that hurts....... its my love that rips my soul and morals to shreds.

STEPHANIE i have unconditional love for you. Did you hear that, pathetic maybe after all the s**t you pulled...I STILL LOVE YOU!! The ******** hard thing is that I have to let that natural flame for my baby, my little angel, my steph, die out. Let it burn away. Some days I wish I could forget those memories that cause me pain, but sometimes honey, remembering that look in your eyes as you told me "yes chris...forever my sweet..." as we made love. Are the only thing that keeps me from moving to something deadlier than my silver folding knife.

Those memories are helpful sometimes. they tell me that she really, truly, deeply, at one period of time loved you with all her soul.


But for now Mi Amour

Walking alone in the rain, until we meet again....

I am the living dead