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Today I made 4,235 gold on Gaia through fishing. Not too shabby.
I also bought a Strength Rod yesterday. It makes fishing impossibly easy. I can tell the difference between junk and fish before I even pull them out of the water now. It's how I make so much.
 Bedlam5 · Tue Dec 07, 2004 @ 02:13am · 3 Comments |
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As of now, this is an art and Gaia journal for me. I'm still working the kinks out of a real one.
Here's something I did on MSPaint. sweatdrop
Bedlam5 · Sat Dec 04, 2004 @ 09:02pm · 2 Comments |
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<I'm too sick to come online for a while, going back to bed.>
Bedlam5 · Fri Dec 03, 2004 @ 03:37pm · 4 Comments |
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As much as it hurts, I know the choice I have to make.
The conversation I had last night made it clear to me that things just can't work out between Kacie and I. Yes, I love her more than the world. She deserves the best for all the wonderful things she's done for me. But I can't give her that. I realize she just can't understand why I can't go against my parents, that I love my family and have to respect their decisions, as unfair and stupid as they are. Though she said it's not about trust; it is. I understand full well why she has to worry that I'm gone for 10 minutes. Or that I'm talking to other girls on the internet. My trust has been broken too...7 times before without as much as a held hand. But it still is the foundation of love. And I can't take her prom away from her either, it wouldn't be right. I love Kacie. I always have and always will. I want to stay friends with her, too, because I don't know if I can do without her. Keep talking to her every night. If she can't bear to talk to me again, well, okay. I understand if I'm failing her like she said. But she's better off without me anyway.
First period today was volleyball. I did great and blocked Matt Wright's spike twice in a row! Each time everyone started laughing, going "oooh", clapping, congratulating me and stuff. We're a really intense gym class, and spikes are a big deal.
The rest of the day was slow and unrelenting. I enjoyed Physics, as always, but I felt detached from everyone else, especially at lunch. I just sat in the aisle again, drinking my milk. Nobody could shut up about the damn semi-formal dance or the party after! I have a serious headache over it, in fact I'm taking asparin after this post, for my heartache over her too. They all assumed I was at the party, even though I said I wasn't, they said I just "didn't remember it", seeing as most of them can't after drinking so much. I might watch the semi on TV later out of curiosity.
I might go to the math team meet on Wednesday. I decided I'm going to participate in any school activity that I have time for. Sure, it may not be friendships, but it'll make me be around people; human interaction I need, regardless of the type. Now...I'm going to pray. That I can heal after what I'm doing.
Nico
Bedlam5 · Mon Nov 29, 2004 @ 09:40pm · 5 Comments |
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I typed this entry already. Then AOL crashed. As much as it hurts, I'll do it again, but shorter. I listen to your song, Alana. I need it. cry
Friday, I went to my mother's, then talked to Kacie, and loved every minute of it.
Saturday, I saw National Treasure. The chain I've wore for 3 years, ever since my grandmother gave it to me from Italy, was broken by someone. Someone else helped me realize I'm a poor brother.
Alana talked to me online, and then I talked to Kacie about how I didn't want to rush into a relationship.
Today was okay...until tonight. I was talking to Kacie on the internet, because my stepmother was on the phone, and it was fine...until I went upstairs.
I don't understand what happened. I don't know which side to take. Half of me wants to believe that I shouldn't have put up with what she said, that it was mean, that it hurt, that I should forget about it. The other half knows she's right. That I'm a failure. That I should have handled things differently.
She assumed the reason I took 15 minutes to return was that I didn't want to talk to her. The real reason, of course, was that I had to brush my teeth, go to the bathroom and boot up the old computer. Even so, her doubts didn't end there. We argued for a while. And the things she said are the reason I feel hopelessly lost and tormented. I saved the whole conversation, but I think what hurt me the most is this:
w 1 n33d h3lp [11:19 PM]: {{oh yea and thanks for telling me you loved me last night it meant alot....oh wait you must have forgotten =) }}
Guest [11:19 PM]: Your welcome, because I'm sure you wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt on that either.
Guest [11:19 PM]: I was going to explain over the phone.
w 1 n33d h3lp [11:20 PM]: {{i dont give anyone the benefit of the doubt. i used to. they alwyas failed me}}
Guest [11:20 PM]: My father used to tell me almost every day online, "you're not telling these girls you love them right? no love, there is no love before you graduate. no such thing"
Guest [11:20 PM]: Have I failed you?
w 1 n33d h3lp [11:21 PM]: not yet. but im sure you will.
If I'm destined to fail her, then why should I bother? Kacie is so sweet to me. I can't believe she'd forsake her own prom just to come see me, a loser in the ghetto. She's like the girl every guy always dreams of. The one who'd do anything and everything for the man she loves. I feel unworthy. Kacie deserves so much better than me. I can't change things with my father. He took me in from my mother when I was inches from suicide. I'm not afraid of him like Kacie says...but I'm not about to defy his rules and get punished for it. And if Kacie can't deal with a guy who can't call her past 10:30, if she can't trust me being away for 15 minutes, if she can't understand the loser who's afraid to use the L word, then maybe she shouldn't waste her time on him. Kacie is probably the only chance I have at finally touching another human being. The girl that deserves 1000 times more than me, but still loves me.
And now I'm at odds with myself. Should I pull the plug? Should I throw away my chance to hug somebody within the next few years? Leave the internet, and let Kacie find a better man, someone who won't fail her? I'd lose it all...and Kacie might gain much better things.
I don't want to leave her, the girl who could save my heart from cursing the thought of romance forever, I want to make amends and forget this happened. I don't want to lose my best friend Alana, the friend I always dreamed of having, who's always there to catch me when I fall. But I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to feel selfish and stupid all because of my own blind hopes invested in long-distance love, that I promised to never have. I'm sorry Kacie. Please forgive me. I've made mistakes, but there's a reason for them. Just trust me, I know your doubts stem from being hurt, but so do my inhibitions. If you really are so angry at me, maybe this isn't meant to be. But if you can open your heart and understand, maybe there is hope we can be "we" instead of "you and I".
What should I do?
Bedlam5 · Mon Nov 29, 2004 @ 05:36am · 3 Comments |
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Bedlam5 · Fri Nov 26, 2004 @ 05:01pm · 12 Comments |
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I woke up early today, as always, and helped my father clean out the gutters on the roof. We worked for a few hours until about 11, when I went inside and started working on the computer with him. At 1, I had to go to my mother's house to get my hair cut, like I said yesterday.
I had barely sat down before she started. Started doing everything she could to make me feel horrible. Told me that everyone in town says I look disgustingly horrible, that I don't know how to dress and that it makes her look bad that my 'father doesn't buy me any clothes'. I asked her who told her I looked bad, who made fun of me, she said EVERYONE in this town. I told her to tell them that if they had a problem, they take it to me, she said it wasn't the point, that I need to stop dressing like a f**.
I left early, after many other comments like that. Took a long walk in the pouring rain, just to ease my emotions a little. Julie called when I returned, and we talked a while. She's in town so I may visit her Friday.
The bonfire and semi-formal dance are being held unofficially by parents. I'm not going though...never good to go stag.
When I returned, I spent a few hours on the phone and completely deleted my computer, operating system and all, and started anew, fixing all problems but leaving me without any messenger system.
And I talked to Kacie on the phone tonight. Her voice...heartwrenching. And I can't put her into words, because there are none good enough to describe her. :Sigh: I enjoyed talking to her.
And Alana leaves me breathless on Gaia! We're RPing now. She's so awesome. I don't think I'll ever know a better friend, one I'm closer to. It's impossible to be any closer to anyone.
I feel fulfilled.
Goodnight,
Nico
Bedlam5 · Thu Nov 25, 2004 @ 06:07am · 6 Comments |
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Dario wanted me to draw that for him. I'll have to make a colored version later. I have another, very special artwork in progress though.
Yesterday was just as easy as I expected it to be. We really didn't do anything in school, outside of Math class. Even Mr. Festa gave us a free period. The few kids that showed up to school left after lunch, so it was pretty empty. I sat with Lynna at study, despite my reluctance to be anywhere near Deirdra or her crew. She still annoys the ******** out of me, but the rest seemed pretty cool. But I seriously doubt they look at me as anything more than anonymous passerby.
I went to visit my mother after school yesterday for a little while. Asked her for a haircut since it's been months since I had one. I've been asking her almost every time I visit, actually, but she either has a client or she says she doesn't feel like it, or that it's my fault that I don't get there early enough. So, I'm going there at 1 today. I really don't want to go. cry But my father and stepmother say I NEED a haircut. I feel like a damn animé character.
After I left her house, I didn't feel like going home, so I went for a walk that night. I stopped by L/Js and checked the tournament schedule for a moment before going down some backstreets as far away from home as I felt like going until it got late. Then I turned back and took the long walk home, and took my time doing it.
When I got back, I talked to Alana for a while and RPed with her and Lorien. I was supposed to talk to Kacie on the phone but she was busy. Rebecca talked to me too. She's right, it wasn't her fault that things ended, it was mine. I felt pretty bad when she said that she would have lost the only person that really really cared about her, but then again, back in the days we were together and we were talking about love, I said that noone there loved her like I did, and she said maybe. And she did say Will cared about her. Not loved, but cared.
Then Kacie came on. I was overwhelmed by how sweet she was being to me. She reminds me of myself. Putting her heart on the line for someone she hardly knows, putting all her faith in a future that might never be. And that's probably why I'm getting so drawn to her. Her parents actually approve driving her here to see me - are they not the best parents ever? She said because she can't write to me, she's going to start a journal and write in it until she sees me, and then she'd give it to me so I could see what I had missed. crying Isn't that nice? It's what I used to do for Leah, just in journal form. And then Rebecca talked to me some more, after I played with Dario for an hour or so.
It looks like I have another big choice to make.
And I also have to talk to Alana later! whee
Ciao, Nico
Bedlam5 · Wed Nov 24, 2004 @ 04:35pm · 3 Comments |
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