On the surface, Kingdom Hearts is for most of the game something of a self-insert fanfiction into various Disney plots, mixed with destroying evil space aliens infested with DARKNESS.
But little do you know, good sirs and madams, that KH is a game that digs deep on the issues, exposing themes with a level of thought given them not seen since... well, for a long time! And it's time we touched on some of these issues:
Tolerance
Now America's always had problems with certain people--Native Americans, immigrants, gays, blacks, hispanics, Muslims, women, Catholics, Jews--you name it, America hates it (or hated it at one time). Yet in most of our video games, our companions usually consist of white women and men. Perhaps they are all of the same religion. There are times, of course, when the group gets a BIT diverse...
Funky Space Alien from Star Ocean 3, seen here in what appears to be her SSB trophy form.
...But if you want to talk tolerance, look no further than Sora. This guy has not one, but TWO funky space alien sidekicks! But it gets better from there...
One of them is a talking DUCK. "Big deal", you say? Have you ever had an EDIBLE party member? Hmm? Have you!? Think about it--humans? You're probably not going to eat your fellow man, that would be cannibalism! And that's frowned upon in some countries, you know. But a duck? Not only is Sora showing his acceptance of people as they are by taking--ah, let's call him "Donald"--on his travels, he is also being pragmatic for just in case supplies run out!
An end to discrimination never tasted so good.
And the other? Well, he's... uhh... no idea. KH never elaborates on the species, but we DO know that he enjoys pounding enemies to a bloody pulp with blunt objects (i.e., his shield). This suggests that his race (whatever it is) is very warlike and tough in battle. In addition, he happens to be in the employ of the leader of yet another strange alien species, serving as a sort of mercenary in the dictator's employ. Perhaps he is a distant relative of the Krogans of Mass Effect?
The resemblance is telling.
And what is our humanoid hero doing with an edible space alien and a Krogan lookalike? Fighting the enemy of the universe, of course! The TRUE enemy, who wants nothing more than to turn us all into these "Heartless"! And who might the enemy be, you ask? The truth is...
Black people!
"Those less fortunate"
Now folks, we all know from video games that women are hot. Drop-dead hot.
A woman in her natural habitat.
So it begs the question: What the hell are Kairi and for that matter, Namine? They're-they're flat. We all know from experience that this is impossible. Think about it:
All women have large breasts.
Kairi and Namine do not, as such.
Therefore, we must conclude that they are not women and therefore men. Very effeminate-looking men.
"But Reca", you interject, "They're not very far in life at all. Why, they're easily both underage! Just look at them!" To which I reply "Touche". But then, why the debate about who Sora should "be with"? Why do I see topics debating whether Sora should be with Kairi or Namine? Let's not mince words here... Sora's pretty young. Easily still a kid.
All he wants is to eat candy and SPILL YOUR BLOOD.
He's... well, he's a bit young to be thinking about love just yet. What Sora REALLY needs is a friend, or perhaps a mentor. Thus I believe we can conclude that when people debate who Sora should "be with", they REALLY mean who should keep custody of the child!
The only way Kairi or Namine can keep legal custody of Sora is if they are both of age.
Therefore, we must conclude that they are both of age!
And thus since they lack breasts, we must conclude that they are actually effeminate-looking men.
Q.E.D.!
If this is not the case, however, then we should indeed pity their souls. For though cutesy now, they are not drop-dead hot; in other words, the "less fortunate" I mentioned as the topic of this section. So if they are indeed women, then I admire your courage in trying to find a date for these two, but face it--it's a lost cause. I suggest pairing Sora with someone from another game and making Kairi and Namine into nuns--that way, they won't be disappointed they couldn't find a man!
No, *****. You don't count.(More to come?)
