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my fiance read my journal. i left it oopen on the computer he was about to play on and he read it just like my stepdad found mine on his bed. maybe i really will stop writing altogether. my personal writings (personal to those who know who i am) will never remain private
 Satin Kiss · Wed Nov 26, 2008 @ 03:38am · 0 Comments |
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I'm here in Maryland with my fiance and his father's family. Tomorrow I'm to meet his step-brother Jamie. So far I've met his father Derrick Sr., stepmother Lavera, and half-sister Jala. She's 5.
I was so excited on Thursday to leave. I had already gotten all of his present together and wrapped: white-cyan-black graphic tee with a guitar on it, grey shirt describing his "Perfect Day" of video gaming, a small gray Badtz Maru digital alarm clock (with wrapped batteries), Gummi Worms, and Sunflower Seeds (which he said he opened fringing upon orgasm [tehe]). It was all wrapped in blue paper, in a box where he thought there would be clothes, and in royal blue paper with a silver crimped and spiralled ribbon bow thing. I made the tag out of cut off paper; it read, "From: His Fiancee, To: Her Fiance." I called his dad to see if he was going to do something for his birthday. Meanwhile, I prepared with birthday streamers, confetti, numbered candles. His dad told me this trip could make or break this relationship. I keep getting worried about the latter.
First Day: I finished packing around 11 or 12ish in the morning of Saturday and went to sleep on his parents' sofa. He'd gone to sleep a lot earlier. He woke me up at 5am, and we left around 8ish. He thought I was going to pay for the first tank of gas, and I thought he had the whole trip up since he didn't want me to get my check, and it turned into a bigger disagreement. He thought my mother should pay since she has such a great salary, and I thought that because the trip had nothing to do with her, it was up to only the three of us to pay: me, him, and his dad. But, because I didn't get my check and I had the car anyway, I thought my part would be covered by him; I paid to get down to him anyway. High tension in the car for quite some time, but we remedied it with 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. We actually finished the whole song even though I burst into hysterical laughter numerous times and kept repeating numbers.
We get there and get our ~separate~ sleeping places: I sleep in the daughter's room and he sleeps in the basement/home theater. We watched Iron Man and ate fattening home-cooked food (already can't remember). I took some pictures, the daughter broke the Rock Band kick pedal.
(Oh yeah, I couldn't find my keys all day! HIGHLY frustrating. I left much later than I'd expected.)
Satin Kiss · Tue Nov 25, 2008 @ 09:37pm · 0 Comments |
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I was just denied entry to a Grammar Guild here on Gaia. Me. Grammar Nazi copy editor. What could be the reason? I've sent a message to the person responsible. Perhaps they worry that I'll be rude to those who make grammatical mistakes within the guild. Of course I wouldn't! I've softened up about those things. If I see an effort being made to be correct, I won't chew the poster out. If someone is blatantly butchering the language, I ignore it. I used to send private messages to those who seemed to make an honest mistake that could damage their school grades or business appearance because they didn't know the difference, but I've even slowed on that! I would no longer consider myself a Grammar Nazi. I am a Grammar Enthusiast is all. Or, could that be the issue? I told them I was more lax about it, so perhaps they want me to be more strict. I have no idea as to why they would reject a language lover such as myself.
Satin Kiss · Tue Nov 11, 2008 @ 09:55pm · 0 Comments |
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Had my first "fight" with my fiance today. There were no raised voices, no flying limbs, no angry faces, but we had a pretty big disagreement. By the end, there were tears (at least on my side; he said he wanted to) and big deep philosophy/ideal/personal guideline/M.O.-changing resolutions that I believe newlyweds deal with. "I'm going to be living with this person for the rest of my life, but he doesn't live life the way I do."
All day, I made bad decisions, and he let me make them. We stayed at my apartment til morning, and I drove to my doctor's appt. We went to the mall and I wanted to do shopping for Sunday's banquet. We got him something to eat and I told him to drop me off to my hair appt. I had to cancel my appt and and he cancelled his mall-trip. We went to get a smoothie and I got a call from my parents about my cousins coming in. We made for the door and I figured he should keep the car.
But if only his decisions had been made:
We left the night before and I left from a closer distance to my doctor's appt. We went to the mall and got his one video game. We dropped him off to his house so he could unpack and rest. I went to my hair appt and return to him afterward. We spent the day in his room, and I leave for "home" when it's time for bed. Or, we go shopping for his clothes and shoes after he's had his nap and gaming time in the sanctity of his room.
After I say alright and close the door, he drives off without a hug or kiss, not even a glance. I want to sit outside and cry.
Text talk:
12:53am: I'm still in sav, i feel like i'm a breaking point for some reason
(I'm packing to leave with my mom and saying godbyes)
12:58am: You want me to come get you so I can take you home?
1:00am: I'll do it.
1:02am: I kinda wanna do it to ensure you have your day tomorrow
1:05am: No i don't want you to. I kind of feel like crying would help. I can't even explain how it feels.
1:06am: Well, I couldn't fight it like you could.
1:07am: Btw, my mom thought I was gone & I was locked out of the house a min (home btw). I don't mind a bit. The boys didn't really care that you weren't bringing 360
1:12am: I'm just leaving. I don't want to be selfish. (:16)
1:12am: You're not. You're allowing me to be selfless (:47)
1:13am: I would really like to have you with me right now.
(He sent it again, :04 and :38.)
1:19am: Don't sacrifice so much that you literally give your life away, baby.
1:21am: I don't plan to. It sucks when I want you and can not get you. It really ******** sucks when i need you and can't have you.
1:34am: We're not married. I want to be there, baby. I love you so much
1:35am: Only married people need each other?
1:36am: No. Only married people have full unlimited acces to each other. Have you left for home?
After missing a call at 1:45, we talked briefly one minute later about me "coming with him." I thought he meant to take him home so that he wouldn't have the car, but he meant stay the night. My dad wouldn't let me do that. He got pissed and ended the conversation. He called back only to announce that he was home, anger and impatience in his voice. I thought we should have still talked about it, but I think he disagreed, but we talked anyway. About him being the man and me being the woman. I had the manly qualities of sacrificing for his happiness and offering to pay when we went out. That competed with his desire to be a "good man;" always there when she needs it-- sacrificing for her as much as feasible-- supplying all he can for her-- only calling on her help when he needs it-- wife is backup plan for support. I was trying to be independent, but dependent of his approval of that, it seems. I depended on him for emotional support, physical satisfaction, and the creation of a team. I let him pay sometimes, but I had more money (excuse me, my mom had more money that she bestowed upon me) so I offered to pay a lot. I let him drive, but it was my car. I gave suggestions--not commands--on what we should do, he agreed, and I sought to get it done with his help. Any emotional distress was his dept. Any. When I was horny, masturbation was out of the question. When I wanted to do something with someone, he was there to be my partner. But that's not enough support he wants to give me. I need to be more dependent in more areas... (It's 5am. I'm going to bed)
When we're going through our rough spots of being newlyweds, we still need each others' presence when we've smoothed it out. But because we jumped the gun by acting married, that luxury of marriage was unavailable when we needed it.
3:21am, I think back to being in front of my Grandma's and imagine how I would explain to him why it's the way it is, that "daughters are born and placed into a mold; the parents are there to be sure that mold stays tight because 'this is the way it goes, this is what works best,'" and I had deja vu of sitting here in the dark of my room with this black laptop on my lap, my head in my hand and my elbow on my lap, orange bkgrd with white window filled with text, all of it... including looking to the right realizing that this is familiar.
Satin Kiss · Sat Aug 30, 2008 @ 09:59am · 0 Comments |
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I had surgery Friday, and it went wrong or something. It was supposed to be a simply one hour surgery, but the surgeon said there was a lot of pus he had to drain out, and so he left my arm open so that it wouldn't get infected again. My arm is open right now. No skin. I mean, I can't see it because of all the gauze, but gee. He left my arm open. *sigh* This isn't going as planned.
Satin Kiss · Mon Aug 25, 2008 @ 04:38am · 0 Comments |
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July 29, 2008 a little after midnight, Derrick got down on one knee in front of me as tears formed in my eyes, and he slid his mother's engagement ring on my left hand. Since then, I have been living the happiest moments of my life. Happier than when I finally told him I loved him in May. Happier than the first night we spent together. I am the fiance to the love of my life and we are going to create the happiest life two humans could possibly make, and all with the best ingredient for life: True Love.
Satin Kiss · Fri Aug 08, 2008 @ 06:19pm · 0 Comments |
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Well, whaddya know. I want to change my avatar. I like the new styles better than mine, and I'd like the change my outfit--only by a little--while I change my hair.
I'm going to be in a chess match soon, and tI think my new hairdo will fit well there, too.
Satin Kiss · Wed Jul 16, 2008 @ 02:14am · 0 Comments |
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I'm getting more artwork done for this avatar. I'm sure it's the one I'm going to be keeping for quite some time, so why not? I should change my profile up a bit anyway. It's been quite a while.
Satin Kiss · Thu Apr 24, 2008 @ 12:16am · 0 Comments |
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Old signature picture and link. the guild has died and be redone.
Satin Kiss · Tue Apr 22, 2008 @ 07:33pm · 0 Comments |
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