Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Thinking, far from wondering. More I still need to figure out before I can say a definate...or even just a tentative yes or no. I suppose I was a bit too drunk for the entire experience, there wasn't much to it, but I do remember curves and softness. Not being pervy, it wasn't X-rated, definately a bit higher than PG-13 but nothing wrong - to the open mind anyway. Regardless, back to the topic at hand. I definately think I need to go out and have another go at it and make a point to be alot more sober this time around (note to self, Kamikazes bad...double fisting them, even worse).

I want to say I wish I got her phone number, as part of me wishes I had, though I know well enough it would have been unlikely that I would have had the courage to call her up. What would I say? Hey I'm trying to figure out a side or middle ground and see if I can stay where I am in my life right now or if I'm to progress in a different direction towards other people and things, want to try and help me figure it out some wink . Hardly appropiate I believe. At worst she'd feel used - I wouldn't blame her either- and at best she'd be a bit peeved but decide not to slap me for sake of pity.

And this is the biggest thing, I don't want to step on anyone's feelings...but I find that this is likely to be unavoidable. Somewhere along the line someone's going to get hurt and I'll only have myself to blame because it is indeed my fault. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I know well enough that I need to get an answer for myself or I'll still be hurting someone...myself. Dear if that doesn't sound a bit self centered and perhaps attention-ansty-whore. Not what I intend, but I find that it is unfortunately true. The is nothing I can do to get around this, I just have to jump straight in and hope the bottom's far enough down that I don't break my neck.

Suffering? No, just a bit overly analytical. My appoligies for the riddles and half explained sentences, merely trying to sort out thoughts and ventalate my skull a bit in order to try and properly address the sitution. Things will be solved, it's just going to take time...that of which I'm quickly running out of right now, if I'm not quick to this - things will get worse I'm afraid, I need to get off my a** and accomplish things lest I leave myself stuck in this cesspool I'm in right now. I refuse to become stagnet like the rest of those around me (there are a few exceptions, those these are few), I will do more, I am working for it - I need to work harder for it, things will improve only if I want them to and I earn it. I can only hope I'm heading in the right direction for it.