if i had the chance to lash out and destroy one person...that person could only be myself. i'd want to suffer and pay for my uselessness... i do not want to be so useless. i don't want to be pathetic but that's what i am and i haven't the slightest idea of how to change that. every time i stop and think about it the first and only thing to come to my mind is to stop trying. to just ... to just go into the kitchen take the sharpest knife in the kitchen draw and drag it across my throat as slowly as i could. to fall to the floor either letting it all out in one long laugh or to just hold it in forever and lay there silently watching the ceiling turn to black.