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Ringing, incesed ringing. Knowing that she is on the other line. Watching the phone barely vibrate, as it seemingly skipped across the end table. The sound resonating off of the hollow plastic top. I know who it is.
I had been waiting for the call. My mind racing to fathom what the discussion will be. Never had the message seemed so urgent. It's words sent pins and needles through me. "We need to talk," is all it said.
It took forever for the first bell tone to finish. Even as I end this thought, the room is becoming deafeningly silent. It's agonizing to hear the ring reverberate through the now plaster painted white walls. The light burning my eyes, yet not overly bright.
The ring picks up again. I can feel it call me. Tell me to pick it up. But even still, my mind is right where it is. Agonizing over the eventual conversation that is definite to ensue.
Sluggishly slow, my weight is shifted as to reac the ever so distant receiver. An eternity engulfing me as my hand feebly shakes while fully extended. Firmly grasping the the phone, I lift it off and bring it to my ear.
What happened next was expected, but still shockingly painful none the less. Two words from the receiver and I knew it had began the tears to follow.
The scratching of the air as it flowed into the mouth piece crackled at the other end. A sob and an anguished tone repeating the two words over and over. The phone fell from my hand and landed hard on the floor. Cracking apart, bleeding its entrails all over the ground.
Standing up, I simply just walked out of the house. A myriad of colours, sounds, and smells passed the seemingly endless void of existence that was my life. I eventually found myself in the slum of some back alley street.
A tiny picturesque place where there are laundry lines between the two appartments, garbage swept aside for the resident traffic. I sat down on top of a heating grate. My hands instantly found my face with no trouble whatsoever. They felt wet as I knew, finally, that it had caught up with me. All the fiery eyed, crushed lung, parched mouth pain.
My chest heaved up and down as I began to wonder, contemplate reasons and the sequence of events. Unable to forsee myself driving deeper and darker, unable to stop. I look up to see the sun, but it was only moments ago the moon was upon me, occupying the sky.
Bleary eyed I walked through. Taking a look back seeing that the alley closed up the way I came in. A simple brick wall constructed only for the purpose to keep me moving. I'm not sure if it was in reality there or an illusion to have made me go with my feelings.
By now I began to drag my feet in the only movemnet that had been burned into memory. Taking me forward. The sun rising in to my eyes. My body shedding layers and layers, each moment the pain continued. Flaying each one individually, in attempts to locate where the cancerous pain began. Blood seeping down from where layers were closer to flesh than others. Coating my entire being in my life force. It is the coldest I have ever been. The last layer of skin off, muscles, bones, blood entrails all fall to the floor.
I could see my heart, my lungs, my stomach, everything. It was so bare. Slowly I poked and prodded my way through it and found that my entire body had been infected. Infused with these cankerous pains, these leperous sores.
I wanted to remove them, all of them. I no longer wanted to live. I needed it to be disassociated, excommunicated. discarded.
The moment I brought my hand to my heart, words came to my ears.
"Josh..." It sounded so hollow, "Josh?" This had to be the worst thing because now I was hearing her voice.
Maybe it was to help with my conviction. To tear my still beating heart out. But as my heart clasped about it. I felt two beats, not just one.
"Josh... I still..."
Squeezing, my life blinked two, maybe three scenes to me then dissipated.
"Love..."
I felt my body begin to burn, the organs all seizing up, claiming themselves to be healthy.
"You... I..."
Collapsing onto the ground I could feel the hurt driving into me, making itself comfortable.
"Need... You..."
My mind snapped back. I was still in my room with the phone pressed to my ear. My mouth drier than dust, and I found my face slicked wet with tears. No sobs, nothing of the sort. I closed my mouth and hung up the phone.
I love her more than life itself but none the less, this still happened. False promises and unkept vows. Everything shattered. Yet the light in my eyes remained. She still loves me. Repeated in my head. Slowly from the buzzing came ringing in my ears.
Realizing that it was my phone, I hesitantly placed my hand on it and took the receiver to my ear again. All thought, logic and pain left me.
"Josh, I need you, please don't go."
"You need me... How can you say that with what you did with him. I needed you, and still do," I paused to wipe my tears from me, pulling my heart and continued to speak, "But it will require work and a lot of trials. I want us to work, but you have to as well."
Silence and with nothing more than a sob and a quiet "I do," she agreed.
*** two weeks later ***
"I love you."
"I love you too. I am glad that you are with me."
"I am too."
Thus concludes a chapter in life that I pray I never have to relive again.
 Micha_Xaquz · Fri Dec 08, 2006 @ 06:02am · 0 Comments |
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