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Influance, choice and change are all things that living creatures especially humans cannot avoid. Change is influanced by the tests that life has thrown at us, and the choice that we make to survive the test. All of these aspects start from birth and can be made to be negative or positive, big or small. From birth you were influanced to be like your role model, or your parents. From birth you made choices as to if you were hungry or not, you wanted to sleep or play at 3 am. Since childhood you have been influanced by friends, cliches, and adults. Video games, music, and television, made by adults, all causing change, choice and influance.

Change is caused by a choice made by an influance. And change is definately harder than the choice or the influance. Influance takes a fleeting thought, a suggestion, a word, and one is faced with the choice, to or not to. Positive and negative. This causes a change within a person. A change to reinforce the choice.

Its too bad that we are not seeing more positive influance, choice, and change. Everyone is more concerned with themselves to think that maybe a small smile, or a hello, an acknowledgement in this Earth that will influance someone else to do the same for someone else, pay it forward. Doing something in someone’s life to influance them to be happier, making a choice to have a better day, and make a change to reinforce the choice. It would be nice. Only in Utopia.

Influance, choice and change are aspects that are as intricate as one’s family tree. And is as complex as a celtic triad. With a small influance in life, a choice that is made, and the change required to reinforce the choice. No one can escape influance, choice and change, it will always be caused by human interaction. And humans need interaction to retain what sanity they have left. Positive human influances are undeniably needed in this cold, cruel world. Will we realize and make the choice to change before its too late?

"Hold on, Hold on to yourself, this is gonna hurt like hell." - Sarah McLachlan
Since my last blog, life has thrown me and everyone around me some s**t, and I am not sure how to share it, how to release it, how to grieve (a nearly foreign emotion to me.)

I have been saddened deeply, angry as ********, stressed to the nines (to the point of hives,) and unable to blog about all these feelings. Until now. Where every feeling I have is overflowing. (I wish my artistic skills would get like this.) I am trying to be the rock against a hurricane, but I sometimes feel like I am crumbling, and it is happening more often. I don't know how to handle this, I don't know how to handle me and my emotions now. I have picked up pieces of my life before and it was never this hard on me. I don't know if I will be able to do this. I don't know if I am able to survive this. I don't want anymore s**t on my plate! I feel like I am going to break, and no one will be able to fix me.

Job, Apartment, Being a rock, Drama, Being pulled in different directions and not knowing the right course. Not being able to eat, because I am too busy concentrating on something else or someone else, or so stressed out that there is no appitite to satisfy.

I don't know what to do. I am trying to be strong on the outside, but I am a scared little crying girl in the corner wanting someone to come and hold me, assure me that everything will be alright. I want to run but am frozen in place. I don't want to be an adult anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. I want to be normal again. I want everything to be fine. I want no worries except for my jobs that I am trying ever so ******** hard to get. Everyday just seems to get tougher and tougher, like fighting through quicksand only to sink further. But I sink no matter if I get out of bed or not. It is damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

"I gotta get through this." "We are human after all."

I am going to get through this, I am going to be Stronger, and everything WILL BE FINE! I will rise above this with my friends, and look back upon it as one of most triumphant moments in my life. And I will be normal Kirsty again. Soon I hope.

"Work It Harder Make It Better
Do It Faster, Makes Us stronger
More Than Ever Hour After
Our Work Is Never Over"

Love. An interesting emotion. "An intense feeling of affection and care towards another person." (Wiktionary.org.) How can something so complex be summed up so easily in one phrase in the dictionary? Love is a human emotion and there are many ways to describe the feeling of being in love, and many ways to describe love itself. It is different, yet the same for everyone. I am going to describe love, the way I see it.

Imagine standing at the edge of a cliff. Hear the water crashing against the rocks below. The cool breeze rushing through your hair, the mist from the sea dusting your face. You breath catches in your throat as your lover grasps your hand. And you run... Run to the edge and jump off. You and your love spread your arms in hopes to fly...
If your relationship can withstand the turbulance of the winds and the weather ahead of you then you will fly forever. If your relationship can't withstand the weather and the winds then you fall... you will either fall into the ocean or land on the rocks.
Everyone has felt the rocks, where the love tears you apart, you don't feel like you can survive, your in a nightmare that won't end, and it feels like your heart just up and left your body leaving you nothing but a shell of the person you used to be. LEAP OF FAITH/LOVE.

Now, this scenario is a very good way to describe love. There are many who are afraid to leap. They fear the rocks. They even fear the ocean. No one ever floats lightly to the ocean or the rocks. One has to believe you can fly together, be happy, support each other during turbulant times, and hope that the flight with that person is worth the fall IF there is a fall.

Love. It can grow from a sparkle of nothing into a supernova. It can feel like flying, falling, or drowning. It is a uniting emotion that brings people together. It can be unconditional. It can be the most wonderful thing in the world, so wonderful that words fail to accurately describe the emotion. For some it feels like flying, for others, drowning. Love itself is harder to explain than the act of actually falling in love because it comes in different ways. Love will grow like a flower or hit you like a ton of bricks. If love were a color, it would be a primary color. When mixed with other emotions one will get something beautiful, but remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Love. What it is. What its like to fall in love in my eyes. To step outside of the box and look at it for what it is. A very complex human emotion. In my opinion, love is the most complex of the emotions out there. It will make people do the craziest things for another person that is dear to them. It is not black or white but grey.

"What is more important to you the love you share, the memories you have or the lover? Give love a chance to swallow you up. Don't just think it will happen in a instant, it will suprise you before you know it, but it will be the most rewarding experience you will ever have." - Unknown (Lovingyou.com)

Why is it human nature to want more? Why is there always the urge in life for the bigger and better. Bigger and better everything. Even when we don't need more. Eyes are bigger than the mouth. Access to the Excess. Junkie XL sumed it all up right in one statement in a song. "Access to the excess. Everybody want more when they really need less."

It reminds me of something I saw at one point on television although I can't remember what the product was. It goes something like, "Want a better job? Get a new one. Want a better house? Buy a new one. Want a new wife? Get a new one."

Now, I have to say that I am kinda insulted by this ad, because not only I can't remember their product even though the ad was obviously memorable, but I am also insulted at the fact that there was no memorable way to remedy that statement. "Want a better wife? Get a new one." Hey! TRY AND WORK IT OUT! Don't get a new one. This is not Wifey XP here... and what if the new wife was like running Wifey Vista? O.o People are too eager to throw in the towel and the vows for stupid s**t. What about the child watching the tv and hears that statement as many times as it is played during prime time cindication? How is he going to view marriage when he hears that it is ok for one to get a new wife while he sees his parents fighting and separating and eventually divorcing.

All of the other things stated in that ad are justifiable. Don't like what your doing at work? Sure! Get a new job that you enjoy getting up to in the morning. Want a new house that isn't falling apart or too small or in a better neighborhood? Sure! That is a justifyable want.

Now, I cannot accurately remember the "Want a new _____? Buy a new one." But even if it was plastic surgery then it is semi-justifiable. I understand that you are the person that has to look at yourself 24/7 that has to look at some unsightly flaw and deal with the fact that someone else is also seeing that flaw (even if they view it differently.) Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but I am the one who is the one that is being viewed that way, and I don't see what everyone else sees. But does anyone wake up in the morning or go through the day for that matter, without thinking, I wish I could get this toned, get that lifted, why was I born with my mother/father's such and such. I only said that plastic surgery was semi-justifiable. I see both sides. Now a days getting something done to you by a doctor is a right of passage for rich suburbia female teens... sad. I think that plastic surgery should be used for medical reconstructive purposes only. Like burn victims. Or babies born with abnormalities. Plastic surgery has been so glamorized, so hollywood that most people don't realize the actual good that it can do for someone who wants a normal life again.

Access to the excess. Call it jealousy, call it greed, call it want. It is what it is.

Communication is key in any relationship professional or personal, if there is no communication then the relationship will always fail. That is the way it is. In personal relationships, it is the leading cause for it to fail. In professional relationships if one fails to communicate properly, they will lose their job or never advance within the company. My question I pose is why is it so hard to communicate for the majority of people? Is it because they are afraid of how that person will feel? Because they don't care enough to tell someone they are not interested? Or straight up cowardice?

The first example is cowardice. I was supposed to go on a date with a guy. Last weekend we had plans, he told me that he had fallen down the stairs and broken a rib. He continued to tell me that he was still looking forward to going out with me and was beating himself up over the fact that he had fallen down the stairs because he was now unable to drive because of the meds that they put him on. So we made plans for this weekend. All week I had no reason to believe that he was going to bail out on me, until I noticed a friend missing from myspace the day before our date. Yup... I contacted him by text message, never got an answer. My thought is: Is it so damned hard to pick up the phone and tell me that you think WHATEVER about me and don't want to go out? Smooth... like sandpaper... How the hell can this person call himself "a good guy" if he treats a girl like that normally... no wonder he is single. Communication skills: 0

The second example I will use is when I go to a job interview and everything seems rosy and the employer shakes my hand and says, "You will hear from us by this time, no matter what the decision." That time comes and guess what. No phone call, now obviously I haven't gotten the job, but when someone says that they will call, THEY WILL CALL!
Ok, so I call anyway.
"You have not recieved the position."
"Thank you for the opportunity." *Click* "Dumbass, you should of asked how you could improve, would that be uncouth?"
In this example we see 2 examples of lack of communication, the fact that the employer didn't care enough to call the potential employee to let them know that they have not recieved the position, and the cowardice of the potential employee to ask how they could improve on their interviewing skills or any feedback at all for that matter. I admit that this is cowardice on my part because yes, I am afraid to recieve the truth, to recieve bad news. but I would want the truth even though it was bad. Because then I could look at myself and see where I can improve.

The third example is a friend of mine who is in love with his ex girlfriend, and his ex girlfriend is in love with him, but with someone else. Now The ex girlfriend is not in love with her current boyfriend, and finds him rather boring. She will not leave him for the man she is in love with because she is afraid to hurt him and "he hasn't done anything wrong." Now, if I were the current boyfriend I would want her to tell me how she feels about me, I would want to know the truth, not a ball full of lies. Even if the truth hurt me, at least I would know that I wasn't in a relationship full of lies.

I want communication, I want the truth even if it is bad news, I want to know where I can improve myself as a human being. That is a desire that I believe all humans need fulfilled. The road to good relationships professionally and personally is communication, follow through, if there is none of that, relationships will fail. People need to voice the truth about how they feel about others, because in the end it might improve the person on the other end.

I remember as a child hearing the stories of love, and how you are supposed to meet that prince charming that will come sweep you off your feet. As it was described to me, there was and always be one true love.

In my teenage years, I thought about the fact that there are billions of people in the world, and one person that you are supposed to find. Like a needle in a haystack. And you have to find that person by hand.

Yes, there are features out there in the world that my and your parents didn't have, we have the internet. So having this technology in the world makes it alittle easier, but there is still your mind questioning, analyizing, sometimes overly in my case. How are you supposed to know that THIS IS THE PERSON? I guess that is like asking what is death like. And I mean the walking into the light afterlife death. We just don't know until we experiance it right?

Someone had told me once that there are 6 people out there for every person, 6 true loves. My question is HOW THE ******** DOES SOMEONE KNOW THAT?! I mean really? I want to see proof. I guess in this day and age, with divorce rates at less than a ******** flip of a coin, its ok to think that there are 6 people out there for every person? I don't want to believe that, call it romanticizing life, or ignorance, but I am one of those people that believe that if you have the one person you spend the rest of your life with, and you both truely believe that, then you can move mountains.

Of course one is entitled to feel the way they do about true love, may it be one person or fifty, but I know I believe that there is one true love.

**THANKS FOR HEARING ME RANT.**