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I have finally found a musician, who's every piece of work I love, even the Hip Hop songs she does in Japanese are like an orgasm in my head. I'm sure most people know her for doing the theme song, "Hikari" for the video game Kingdom Hearts, but there is so much more wonderful music of hers. Don't get me wrong, I first heard about her, when searching online for "Hikari", but that was only the tip of the iceberg!
Once I found out who had sung this song, I had to have more, I simply wasn't satisfied with just one of her songs. The first song I found, besides "Hikari" was "Travelling". Her poppy beats, and hyped-up tempo make you want to dance to this song forever, until you pass-out from dehydration. Then one day, while searching through the anime soundtracks section at Sam Goody, I saw it. An Utada Hikaru CD. It was called "Exodus" and I had to have it, the second I saw it. I bought it, and it is the only CD I own that I can listen to forever. I'm so obsessed with her music that I even sleep listening to this CD.
There are so many of her songs I feel like I can connect with. Her song "Devil Inside" speaks to me in ways I never thought music could. The two songs that really connect with me though are "Kremlin Dusk" and "About me". These songs explains me in every aspect. I feel like she is telling a story about me in her music. She may not be a "sexy vixen" like Brittney Spears or all those other "pop-princesses", but she definately has the talent to beat those bitches down!!
Plus, her music is really easy to sing along too, and Japanese people are just the bestest in the entire world!!!
 Alte Roit · Tue Aug 01, 2006 @ 08:21am · 0 Comments |
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Often times, I'm forced to look to my past for my guidance through life. And to be honest, I don't have a lot to guide me. I have all these thoughts involving moving away from home, from my family and eveything I know. Away from everything I love. It may have taken me seventeen years, but I finally understand myself. I know that I am the only one who can make decisions for myself. It is my decision to leave home; to leave you all. We all knew that I would grow up someday, and I guess that day has finally come. I feel the gravity of it all.
It has been a long road to follow. I've been kind of forced to grow-up lately. I don't know if I did it to myself, but growing up scares me, so I think that in return I try to fill my life with faceless happiness. I try to make light of situations that should be left the way they are. I thought I had my way of life designed for me, but it wasn't. My life is horrible. I don't do anything all day.
I'm so afraid to go to school because of what people will think of me. I try to fit-in but it never really seems to work out to well. I often try to be someone I'm not. I never tell people I'm gay because to me it seems wrong to flaunt something like that. I don't want people to hate me for being gay. If you hate me because I'm annoying or "emo" or loud, that's okay. But don't hate me for being gay. I really didn't have a choice. I would love it if I could wake up and be physically attracted to women, except for; thats not a reality. I can have sex with women, but I know in my heart that I'm attracted to men and nothing can change that.
I don't really know how to be myself anymore. I think its why I cry so much; because I'm so lost inside my own thoughts. I always feel like I'm drowning, and no one's going to save me. Like; everyone is holding me under and everything I try only makes it worse.
Alte Roit · Tue Aug 01, 2006 @ 08:16am · 0 Comments |
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So I've made yet another absolutely lovely decision with my life. I'm going to try and be happy. I think that this wil be for the better on my part. Its taken me a long while to find something that can actually make me happy. I think I've found it and for once its something intangible. Its a something I'll never be able to lose. It will never die, or run away or wither. With this, I know that there's a hope for me.
Speaking of happiness! Everyone should see 'Howl's Moving Castle'! The movie was divine. The best love story I've seen in a long while. Plus, its just a great movie in general. I'm going to go and try to find the novel here soon. And, the soundtrack is just simply orgasmical, so I assume to be buying that soon as well.
So as of right now, I can leave this place with a happy heart. There are no burdens holding me down anymore, other than work, I'm as free as a bird right now. For the first time in a long while I wanted to go and sit on a swing and bealt out a tune. I guess that maybe yesterday had something to do with it. I just had a great time and no negative thoughts, so maybe I'm getting better!
Here's the skinny on yesterday;
---We all hung out at Aaron Pouliot's House and then situated over to Jenn Schmitz's place and proceeded to talk and go swimming. Dexter took off his shorts and Katie threw them out of the pool so he had to get out and get them . . . super moment! Then Carly Black, Dexter and myself all sat in the bathtub with warm water. Then the three of us changed in Jenn's room. Good Times! I was actually comfortable enough to be naked in front of Carly and a complete stranger I'd only known for maybe 3 hours. Then we went out and sat on the back porch with Kyle and the four of us smoked. It was very laxed and I'm glad that Jennifer pretty much kidknapped me from work! Weird as it is, I'm actually more out of my shell than normal since I've begun talking with Cutie Cory, Jennifer and Crystal more often
I had today off and I am on a flex tomorrow from 1:30-5:30, then I'm actually scheduled to work from 5:30-9:30. I also have to work from 1:00-9:30 on wednesday, which if you're bad at math, is an eight hour shift! I hate them, but as of right now I don't really care. I just want to earn more money and be on my way! Plus, without money, what books am I going to be able to buy to read on my way to North Dakota. I feel I'll be reading and drawing a lot more in North Dakota, which is good, because I need more beautiful things for my inspirational drawings.
I thought about it for a long time the other night, and I'm just ready to close this chapter of my life. I just need to move on and stop writing on these blank pages. I need to start a new book in which I am a happy man who's going off to do something that is going to be good for him. A man who is free of inhibitions and shame. I want to be in a place where I can make a new life and let someone else handle this one. I wonder who this task will go to? I was the one who kept everyone together, but as soon as I left I saw how it was supposed to be.
You do have to make difficult choices in your life. I'm finally making one that not only affects me, it affects my friends and family as well. And I finally stopped being sad about Jake. I still get my spells where I jsut wanna cry but I say to myself; 'This is the way!' You can't have everything you want. Even though my bad thoughts don't make me happy, I just have to deal with them and not let them control me! Only I can change my life and make things better for me. I want this more than anything now so I'm going without conviction or anything weighing me down.
Alte Roit · Tue Aug 01, 2006 @ 08:16am · 0 Comments |
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I can sit here and pretend that you're not a cause for my deliberate decision to leave; but in all honesty, I'm going to continue with my not caring. If I can't be here with you then whats the point. I'll go far away and start again. I've done it before so its not like it will be anything big. Besides, I'll get to keep a small part of my life with me. I have the photos and letters and above all, the memories. I can't say that I won't forget you. I'll say nay to the mentioning of memories with you. Memories are nice; but thats all they are.
As much as I wish I could show you how I've grown, I know it wouldn't make a difference. You're too stubborn, I know you would overreact. You'd ask me what that accomplished. As much as I wish we were still together it would still end up this way. I can't change the past and wishing instills a sense of immaturity in a person.
I'm too mature now for wishes and hoping. I have to cope with the fact that I'll never find the right guy for me or that I probably won't ever amount to anything of notable proportions during my lifespan. My friends will always treat me like s**t and my mother will never stop yelling at me. Brittney will always be the good child. I'll always get frustrated and break things because I don't know how to turn my anger into something productive.
Alte Roit · Tue Aug 01, 2006 @ 08:14am · 0 Comments |
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I'm sorry I can't make you understand where I'm coming from. The fact that we've had the same amounts of difficutlies in our lives will never amount to the fact that I haven't been through the hardships you have. Sure, I've never been homelesss and I've never been kicked out of my home for being gay. I've never done drugs or had to live in a homeless shelter before; but trust me when I say that I understand.
Why don't you try and have three years of your childhood stripped away, because your parents think the medication and counseling will help; The fact that you're overactive must mean you have ADD, so therefore I subject the idea of hocking you up on four kinds of pills such as ridilin. I'll watch you become a zombie for three or more years. I'll let you lose your ability to remember from the medication. I'll just watch as it permanently damages that part of your brain.
Then when I ask you why you don't remember anything important I tell you and you try to explain it, I can say exactly what you said to me, "Because you don't care." I'll pretend I know the fact of you not caring about our relationship. Hell, I'll even pretend that you never listen to my advice and that you're not trying hard enough and its just not working.
Then I'll be single again and "I can have anyone I want," just like you said. I'll say I still want to be friends but everytime you call I'm just not going to answer my phone. You'll never be able to tell me how you really feel because its just not worth it anymore. We'd never work, I mean, hey, I'm an adult and you're just a child by nature. You'll never understand me or be able to support me when I need it.
I'd have been there though, and even though you would get mad and yell at me, I would still come back and listen to you tell me about how; I b***h to much about my not-so-shitty life, I'm too immature and I'm not willing to change anything about myself to make myself happier. The truth is though, I was willing, I just needed guidance.
I still remember everything you said about me that was negative. I am taking a step to make my life better, by moving away from a world that doesn't suit my needs anymore. I only b***h about once a week now, which is a big step up from my twice-a-day bullshit I used to pull. I'm more mature than most people I know; I have my s**t together now and I'm taking care of things; but its not like you'd care, you never could understand the way I am.
Well, lets just hope that I'm severly ******** in my head and thats why I can't push thoughts of you away or else I guess I might as well just go and off myself so it stops. I can find someone I really like and then its like you interefere. I feel that you know I'm trying to move on and you're trying everything you can to mentally prevent that from happening. If I move on, then maybe there will be no one left that loves you? I don't get it, if its a two-way game then maybe thats why I've heard nothing of you finding someone else either; maybe I want you to stay single for the rest of your life and die alone. Maybe I don't want to stay single for the rest of my life and die alone too? Why though? Why not spend it together?
Alte Roit · Tue Aug 01, 2006 @ 08:11am · 0 Comments |
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The Most Idiosyncratic of Memories |
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I remembered something great about what we had today. Never in my life has anyone ever wrestled with me. Well, I guess it wasn't really wrestling, so much as me trying to make you kiss me! I loved being able to sit on your stomach and hold your arms down just to make you kiss me. You would smile and turn your head away and then I would hold both of your hands down with only one of mine and force you to kiss me; but it wasn't negative in the least, because we were happy.
I also remember those times when I would wake up and you'd have taken all the blanket away from me during the night, so I'd take it back. Or I would just move closer to you and put my arms around you while you slept. I liked being able to watch you while you were sleeping so deeply. Some times you'd mumble mindless things about halo or work in your sleep and when you'd wake up I'd tell you and laugh about it.
I also remember the last days I got to see you. You were really quiet the whole time and you spent it sitting in your room and playing that damn Halo game I got for you. I sat in the living room by myself drawing and watching movies. I wanted you to watch Signs with me; but you were all frustrated about work and life so I let you be alone. I could tell something was wrong though. I was worried that I had done something wrong so some of my best drawings came out of my sadness that day, so thanks I guess? You didn't acknowledge my presence for eight hours that day, you never asked what I was drawings and I never told you anything about the level in Halo you were on, like I usually did. Who would've known that it would all be over within the next week. . .
Alte Roit · Tue Aug 01, 2006 @ 08:10am · 0 Comments |
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