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So my life didn't turn out how I thought it would. I was never exactly a drama queen, and I learned quickly that every dilemma I had could be solved easily with a little personal willpower and some good-old-fashioned friends to help me along. 3nodding
I'm still writing, I'm still with the same guy, and I'm drawing and sketching and imagining and loving this place I live in with all my heart. And now that I've finally come to grips with myself, with the fact that I love my life just the way it is and never want it to change...
I'm a grown up now. I'm going away from where I've lived my entire life to spend ten weeks in Fort Jackson, then get shipped to Monterey, California, for a year. I'm terrified, but I know that I'm supposed to be. I'm going to be a twenty-four-year-old freshman at Susquehanna University in 2015, and I'm going to graduate from law school, hopefully, with a husband and at least one child. Yep, I love this place, but with a little more than one month left... It's time for me to switch hats and pay adult price for a ticket on this train.
 Sarasan · Fri Jun 19, 2009 @ 06:52am · 1 Comments |
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I don't have my journal with me, so I'll type it here. For the first time in years I thought about suicide. Not about a friend committing it, but about killing myself. Well, really about how the scene would unfold when my mom or dad would walk in on me laying on the bathroom floor in a pool of my own blood and both my wrists slit from palm to elbow. Just wanted to log this thought.
Sarasan · Thu Mar 29, 2007 @ 04:28am · 3 Comments |
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... My b/f told me that he had been abused months ago, and then he tries justifying it by telling me all the great times that he and his step-dad had when he got a little older and before he moved out... That he deserved it when that mockery of a human being laid his grimy, crack-coated, unemployed hands on him... I was almost willing to live with it, but never forget. And when I think about it sometimes even now, I get this sick feeling inside.
He told me that his mom didn't notice or didn't care. She was either at work or high on crack, at which point she would hit him sometimes too. I can only ask myself: How in God's name could she live with a man who beat her son? Her baby girl daughter was a pampered little pansy(I'll b***h about her later though... That's a post in and of itself.) But my b/f was beaten when she did something bad!!! That grimy scumbag would hit him!!! Now I'm getting angry, and that's just not good. I'll post more later.
Sarasan · Thu Dec 29, 2005 @ 03:37am · 3 Comments |
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First time in a long time... |
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Happy Holidays everybody!!!
I'm going to the public school across the street now- isn't that great?! Whoa. I'm really tired... Well, more detail will come later. But for now- good night!
Sarasan · Tue Dec 06, 2005 @ 03:18am · 1 Comments |
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Okay, I thought I liked this kid in my grade named Darrek. It was last week exactly and I thought I'd let my friends know. Well. . . Now I think the heat on the bus was getting to me, and my friends think that the only reason I hang out with them is to get his attention! GRR! I mean, I thought I liked him a week ago!!!!! I was their friend since DAMN WELL NEAR THE BEGINNING OF THE SCHOOL YEAR!!! You do the math!!! And if you actually read this, please give me some advice as to what to do with my friends.
Anywhoo, I had the world's strangest dream last night. I can't say it was a good dream, but I can't say it was bad either. . .
This guy named Rob, I think I'm in like with him. . . So! He's coming up this Saturday, and I dreamed it was Saturday. I wanted to get close enough to him to just talk to him, but he was always somewhere else, or I was too busy. Finally on Sunday right before they had to leave, I found him and gave him the biggest hug in the world (our way of greeting each other). We were talking, and making small talk and just catching up, when he pulled me in real close, smiled and asked me, "Do you think anyone would mind if I kissed you right now. . .?" Before I could reply, "Yeah, my boyfriend would." he was smothering me with his lips! I must say, I was blushing like crazy, and I definitely enjoyed it, but it felt wrong. I just smiled back at him when it was over and walked up to my house. Oh that would be the world's coolest premonition!!!
Sarasan · Tue May 03, 2005 @ 10:29pm · 0 Comments |
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EEEEE-yech. I'm having a hard time with liking lots of guys and having a boyfriend who loves me beyond anything else in his life. He writes his thoughts down on paper in a collage of ink and true art. He always says he loves me, that he only lives to see my face. . . I do love him, but I think that's the problem.
And speaking of my crushes, I have a crush on this guy named Chad. He's 8 days older than me, and he's really cute! And he's nice and trusting and trustworthy and. . . just about everything you'd ever want in a guy! And I like his older brother Rob, hehe. sweatdrop But I see Chad more often, so I'm starting to like him, alot.
I'm going to eat food. I'll be back later.
Sarasan · Sun Apr 24, 2005 @ 12:39am · 0 Comments |
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Okay, I am going to start with a couple definitions so y'all don't get lost in the lingo.
Lurve- Not love, not "like", just lurve. I lurve, you lurve, he/she/it lurves. I lurve my parents. You lurve your siblings.
Ish- 3rd person form of "me/I"
teh (pronounced te-he)- The
And Ish lurves teh Chippy. I think. . . I love my boyfriend, but I don't know how I feel about my bbff (boy best friend forever) anymore. A part of me wants to say, "wow, I think I have more than just friendly feelings for him," and the other half says, "He doesn't care about you, especially not that way."
This weekend, his crush Blondie came up. He told me he likes me already! And I like him, I do! He's just. . . great. But this weekend, he was all over Blondie. I kinda felt bad for him, 'cause she didn't like it very much, and she doesn't "like" like him. And Ish, Ish is a jealous girl. I get jealous easily, I don't know why, I just do. And I was insanely jealous this weekend. I guess it kinda showed, but Chippy isn't the kind to get even slightly concerned when his bud gives him the cold shoulder. He just walked off with an, "I ain't lettin' this get to me, cause I know you'll never stop if I do." I felt like s**t. How do I tell him that I'm insanely jealous because he's wanted to bury his beef rod in Blondie for over a year? I mean, I don't know what to say to him, or what to do with him and my b/f. I would kill to not "like" like Chippy, but it's not like my feelings for him will go away when I say, "He's just a friend."
If you read this, please leave a comment with some sort of advice. I really need it.
Sarasan · Mon Apr 11, 2005 @ 02:15am · 1 Comments |
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To start with, I am having some violent mood swings. And My b/f isn't making it any easier. I would much rather not say why I feel liketearing my hair out and slitting my wrists, but just remember that I am. And all he keeps talking about is having sex. I guess I made a really big mistake, because now I think we're having this unspoken "argument." He and I were sunbathing today, and yet again he asked me if I wanted to, and I said no. Then he said, "sheesh, if you don't want to, I could just go get somebody else." And. . . It was kind of hurtful to me, but I knew he was joking. I wasn't in the mood to joke. I said back, "Sure, if that's all you want, go get someone else." And well. . . Then a little while later we were talking about DC comics, and there was a pic of the Justice league, with the Green Lantern, the MMH, Superman, the Flash, Hawk Girl, and Batman. I lurve Batman, and my b/fd said, "The only thing he has over them is lots of money." And I sad, "Yeah, lots." Then he said, "Yeah, that's why you like him so much isn't it? Because he has lots of money." I felt really hurt, and he said, "That's right, you love money."
I was hurt, a lot. And I deserved it.
Sarasan · Mon Apr 11, 2005 @ 12:40am · 0 Comments |
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My lesbian love-mistress's heart is broken!/I'll kill him!!! |
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No, she is not really a lesbian, but now we just tell everyone that we are lovers because we enjoy the looks on people's faces. xp If she were to go les though, I do hope I would be her first bisexual lover. Even to me, she's ******** hot!
Anyway, she has a crush on this guy named Eric. And he told her that he likes her. (I know, it sounds really immature, but come on! We're teenagers.) So, he begged her to let him meet her outside our school today after school. So I wait with this lovesick puppy and almost missed my bus because of it! And then we walk out to talk to him, and there he is. Running his tongue down some fat bimbo's neck. I was so pissed for her. And I'm not caught under the spell of his lingering, ice blue gaze. I will kill him if he ever gives me a reason to. Poor Megan looked like she was about to cry. . . I just wanted to punch him the moment I saw him. I hope he has a damned good explanation for this. . .
Sarasan · Wed Apr 06, 2005 @ 02:41am · 0 Comments |
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