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Memories I wish I could forget... |
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Thursday..
I was with my best friend Kirsten Fagin. We had plans for me to spend the night in her dorm so we were about to take naps when I got a text message from Matt. He seemed sad. We both spilled everything that was wrong. He was depressed about his dad, he was depressed that he let me go like he did. I was depressed that we were no longer together and I felt like I lost my best friend.
He stopped texting me for a while after I told him "It will be okay." Then I got a picture message from him. It was his wrist all cut up and bleeding. He said "Yeah right." I started hyperventilating. Kirsten had no idea what was going on. I felt so helpless as I cried into her chest. He waited until I was practically stranded 40 miles away from him to tell me this. We talked the whole night and came to the conclusion that I was picking him up from school on Friday.
Friday..
After I dropped Kirsten off at her house I went to pick him up. He seemed really happy to see me. We got to the house and sat on the bed. I was ready to b***h him out for hurting himself like that, but every time I got the chance, Thomas would walk in. Then Ray came over. We rode in Ray's truck to get Truitt's. I remember falling in love with him all over again when he waited in line to get sweet tea. The song that goes "lonely... I am so lonely. I've got nobody to call my own." Was playing and I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. Ray knew I was hurting. He wanted to reach out to me, but I could tell he didn't know what to say.
We went back to his house and all curled up on the bed to talk. Matt invited me to come over the next night and drink with him. Because I knew my parents were going out of town and he offered a place for me to stay, I gladly accepted.
The next day, as soon as my parents left, I was out the door. The first hour with him was awkward. We didn't have that barrier of friends that wanted to bug us all day. We rode with his step dad somewhere and he stopped at Dollar General. Snuff by Slipknot came on the radio and I broke into tears. He was in the backseat though, so I know he didn't see. His step dad got back into the car and handed me a bottle of Dayquil. He said it sounded like I was coming down with a cold. That man was always so sweet to me.
While the song finished, I downed half of the bottle, hoping they wouldn't say anything. I took a deep breath as the sick feeling began to go away.
When we got back to the house, Matt and I laid down on Tim's bed and fell asleep. When I woke up we were all snuggled up, arms around each other. It was so hot, but I couldnt push away. I wanted to savor the smell and the feeling of his body next to mine for as long as I could. I pretended to be asleep when he woke up. He looked down at me, but didn't move to push me away.
I had to leave to go feed the cat and didn't go back to the house until it was dark. We went to pick up some pizzas for everyone. It was hard to not cry while he was in the car with me. But I held it back. When we got back, we went next door to Jon's and started drinking. Drinking was the very thing that tore us apart the first time, but as long as I was with him, I didn't care at this point.
We laid down in the bed of Jon's truck and carried on with conversations that got dumber the more we drank. Jon had no idea we had ever broken up so he kept making comments toward us which were awkward at first, but the alcohol took away the sting after a while. Tim was texting Matt, asking if we were together. I asked Matt what he replied and he told me he said "No, but I miss her so much."
A few hours went by and Jon had taken my phone. I was chasing him around the truck trying to get it back when I stopped in front of Matt who was sitting with his legs hanging off of the side of the truck bed. He reached out and held me for a long time. I never wanted to let go of him... except now Jon was going through my texts and I HAD to get my phone back. I finally did and Jon started grilling steaks at 2 in the morning. Right as the steaks got done it started raining and we got soaked to the bone. We went inside and Matt and I sat on the couch while Jon slouched in his comfy chair. I shivered because it was cold in the trailer. Matt wrapped an arm around me and I leaned into him.
He leaned down and kissed my head. It surprised me a little but I just leaned up and kissed his cheek. He reached down and took my hand with the hand that was so cut up. I caressed the scabs on his wrist and stared up at him.
Jon looked over at us and said "You need to take your woman home and make sweet love to her." Before we could comment, he passed out and we left to walk home. He held my hand and opened the door for me when we went in.
I put on my sleep shorts and we jumped in bed, at first laying as far apart as the bed would allow us. His brother walked in and talked to us for a while then told us goodnight. Matt reached over and touched the top of my head with his hand, trying to locate me. Laying on our backs he slid over and touched his nose to mine. There was a long, hesitant pause from the both of us. then he leaned in and kissed me. God, I felt like I was flying when he kissed me over and over again.
I ran my hands down his body and tore off his shirt as he did the same to me. We sat on our knees in front of each other, caressing every inch of each other as we kissed. He kissed my neck and pulled me down on top of him.
I woke in the middle of the night, his naked body pressed against mine, spooning me and he stirred and woke. I turned my head and kissed his lips from behind then took his wrist and kissed the scabs and held it in my hand until we fell asleep again.
I woke the next morning, Sunday and sighed. He wasn't there laying beside me anymore. I turned over and tried to go back to sleep. It must not have meant anything. I figured it wouldn't. We were both drunk anyway. Then right as I was about to drift off again, I felt him nudge me. I rolled over, covering myself and saw him standing over me, smiling.
"I made some coffee, but I can't promise that it tastes great." I took it and smiled. It didn't taste great, but it was the thought that counted. We laid together for a long time, skin against skin. I took in his smell again and smiled, playing with his hair and kissing his wrist again.
His friends were over and were very shocked to find us leaving his room together. They were even more shocked when we kissed and held each other in front of them. He begged me to stay another night so I lied to my mom and told her I was staying with Sarah.
I went home and got all the things I needed for school the next day and headed back to his house. We spent the whole day in bed, just laying with each other. Taking each other in. That night, we took our clothes off before we even got into bed and laid as far apart as the bed would allow again. We weren't drunk this time... maybe he didn't want me this time.
We laid there for an hour before he reached over to touch me. The next morning we woke to the alarm buzzing. He reached over and turned it off then wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him, whispering "Stay. You don't have to go yet."
Eventually we got up and got dressed though. I had to be gone by seven and leaving him has never been so hard in my life. Had I known what would happen the next day, I would have never left him, never allowed him to go back to school, but just spent eternity in that bed with him.
 lonely-shadow · Sat Sep 18, 2010 @ 07:18pm · 0 Comments |
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