Sooooooooooooooooo.
If you're here, that means you probably want to know more about ... well, me. I guess. Or else you wouldn't have clicked the link or evs. WELL. I got rid of my other About Me (made it private, but there's no difference between that & getting rid of) so here are some basic (cruddy) facts for you all. Yehh-
feb192011 edit:
er. so. I deleted what I had here & replaced it with a rant; a rant that, I suppose, may clue you in on my personality. er. I copied&pasted this from elsewhere, so I'm too lazy to italicize all that I want to again.
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tl;dr - I am bound to be forever alone. ):
So, I'm starting another one of my (long overdue) rants with the word "so." This is a two-in-one! Uh, I guess this isn't the best way to get out of my ranting hiatus, as this'll probably make me seem like I have no heart & as if I don't deserve your friendship (seeing as my lj is friend-locked and all), but I guess I'm willing to take that risk. I'd like to know what you make of what I say and if, well, you're okay with befriending people such as myself. ... Onwards!
I've decided that all friendships that I, personally, am apart of, will not last until my death. Really, I'm not sure if it's due to the faults of both sides, but I am 100% positive that my choice to let fading friendships fade plays a part in it. It's not that I'm not fond of having close friends, I just feel that there's no more spark, in all senses not romantic, between myself & a person after a while. Conversations go dull, misunderstandings are abundant, & a gradual rift just forms. I used to be terrified about that fact that I was losing my friends, my closer-than-norm peers. I used to be upset that I wasn't doing anything about this problem, but I've learned to take it all in stride. "Relation with so&so is fading? Okay, I'll let it fade."
This may make me out to be a pessimist, but I'd like to think of it as myself being real. It's not as if I'm proclaiming to all around me that their friendships will inevitably fall apart- No, I'm just pointing out that I've realized any friendships dealing with me will do so.
While I can survive happily with friends, I find it just as easy to simply survive without. (Watch everyone leave me because of that statement, heh.) Really, friends keep me anything from sane- My family does a much better job at keeping me grounded, keeping me focused on my future, my petty goals. They provide as much, if not more, motivation than friends. You may wonder what I'll do when my family dies (okay, blunt of me, but age does that to you, you know), and I haven't gone to plan that far ahead. I mean, I'll still have friends at that time, I'm not so antisocial as to not, but they'll just be gone as I shift myself over to other people. (This makes me think of cliques, but that's a whole other rant that I won't drag myself into.)
{ personal digression }
To ___,
Okay, so you would be 'more than happy' to be without 'the likes of me.' Was it intentional that you let me see that message? I wonder, seeing as I don't see the grounds for the reason you said what you did. Honestly, I've never been so hurt by a friendship ending.
I let them fade, whereas you cut ties with the biggest pair of scissors you can find. I make sure that the other party also has dwindling interest in being friends with me, whereas you go about acting according to your own selfish needs.
I really hope you see the irony of all your actions. And in a moment of hatred, I really hope that you end up more hurt by this than me. Knowing you, though, the chances of that are slim to none.
{ end personal digression }
Getting to the whole 'two-in-one' rant thing- People have told me that the reason as to why all my friendships fade is because patching them up is out of my comfort zone.
"Be yourself, get out there & show them that you're an excellent friend to have."
Be myself? Being inside of my comfort zone is where I'm myself. Any attempt to get out my self-made shells, to break down my self-made walls, will just be so forced to the point where I would be faking my personality in order to get (or I suppose keep in this case) friends.
What gives you the right to assume that I'm not being myself? That 'myself' is someone more than I'm letting on to? Because isolation, a secretive nature, and letting things come & go is a part of being myself. I don't know where I give off the impression that 'myself' includes a girl that's outgoing, easily makes friends, and is generally affable. That's just not who I am, whether you or I like it or not.
And this leads me to ask myself, does anyone really have the right to tell you to be yourself, or get out of your 'comfort zone' for that matter, other than yourself? Sure, I'd agree that they're entitled to their opinions that you may not be 'acting like yourself,' but to go so far as to have a clear-cut definition of who you, not they themselves, are? Isn't that going too far?
I truly, honestly, feel like I'm being judged to harsh extents when someone tells me to get out of my comfort zone, although their intention may not be to do so.
To bring it back, it makes me feel uncomfortable when someone tells me that it's due to the fact that I stay in my 'comfort zone' that all my friendships fade? Is it really? Is it? Because I really, sincerely, would like to know. Is what I consider being myself really enough to drive people away steadily? Do I really have to force a smile on my face, my hand to reach out, to get a friend that will see nothing but a fake me?
Ierno.
Thinking about these things makes me worry for my future. I mean, sure, Daniel has volunteered to be my back-up husband, but. If I feel that friendships have an expiration date, what about the state of being in love? Not love, mind you, because I am certain to extremes that my love for my parents will never expire, even should they run off on me or something, but that state where you're so deeply in love.
Because... there's a difference. Well, to me there is.
Destined to be forever alone, yeah. Especially because no one will be willing to marry a crazy b***h that actually takes the time to type out her muddled thoughts on a depressing life.
So, how goes your friendships, FL? (I found it fitting to end it with a 'so' too, heh. & as for the irony mentioned earlier, which you probably don't remember, it's that I'm taking a risk by posting this when 'taking risks' can be considered an 'out of the comfort zone' thing. Yeah. Sorry for abusing italics by the way. They're just so pretty.)
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grab a cup of coffee ! come chill with me. (:
better than your's, fa'sho .
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