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I couldn't remember anything since the age of eleven that didn't have
Mattie in it. He was my best friend, hell, he was my only friend. My whole
world revolved around him. Everybody else in my world just revolved around
him. My parents, his parents, relations, school mates, they were all on the
periphery, just people populating our space. I never thought it was
strange, I never questioned my exclusion of everybody other than him when I
needed to make a decision. We went to school together, and went home
together. He played football, I played football.

"Am I padded up ok Mattie?"

"Sure, perfect."

That was it then, if Mattie said I was ok, I was ok.

When we did our assignments, I gave him mine to look at.

"Does that look right Mattie?"

"Sure, no problem buddy."

So that was ok.

Holidays, he went with me and my parents, or I went with him and his
parents. I remember when we were twelve, my parents wanted us to go to see
an auntie or uncle, I can't remember which. It didn't matter, they wanted
to go without Mattie. I ended up in hospital, mental overload. The thought
of two weeks without my soul mate, I just blacked out. That was the last
time anyone tried to separate us.

I probably slept in my own bed without him about four nights per week, but
my last waking action was to call him and say goodnight.

Everybody except for Mattie and I thought it was strange. But we didn't
even think about it. I loved him with every fibre of my being, and he me.
Junior high, no change. Idiots started whispering that we were faggots, `no
one can be that close to another boy and not be a f*****t.'

Funnily enough, up to that point I don't think either of us had given that
aspect of our lives a thought. We jacked off, frequently together, but we
never touched each other sexually. Hell, I was always cuddling him and
stroking him, particularly when we slept together but sex wasn't a
consideration, at least it wasn't until other guys told us we must be
******** each other.

So we tried it. First it was jacking each other. That felt so good and I
instigated our first kiss. We were fifteen. I couldn't believe how
incredible it felt. We looked deep into each other's eyes when we parted
and just burst into tears.

"I love you Mattie, I love you with every ounce of my being."

"I love you too Josh, we'll be together forever loving each other."

I never doubted it, I just knew when I died, Mattie would be with me.

From then on our love explored even more of the physical side, and the day
Mattie slid his p***s into me I knew what it felt like to go to Paradise. I
cried so hard I thought I was going to die, nothing in my world could
conceive of the pleasure of that action. If we loved each other before,
there had to be an emotion greater than love to explain what we felt for
each other after that.

Parents stood in awe at our relationship, Siamese twins could not have been
closer, and they didn't have a clue how to handle it. So they stopped
trying and just went with the flow, they organised their lives so that
Mattie and I would never have to be parted.

It was fantastic, I had two Mum's and two Dad's, it was sometimes difficult
to remember who our biological parents were.

Seventeen years old and it was time to look at colleges for when we
graduated.

"This is a drag Josh, why don't we split up to look at the ones we have
short listed, that will halve all the travelling?"

Good idea, not. Mattie didn't come back from one of them. A drunk driver
ploughed into him only twenty miles from home.

I guess you are now wondering how this missive could be written ten years
later!

Well, I survived, don't ask me how, my whole world disintegrated when the
local sheriff brought the news.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Hi Josh, ready to hit the drawing boards with this new one?"

"Yeah, I guess. Hope you don't have any plans for the next six months."

"You too, that's what the boss said. We can beat that timing can't we?"

"Yeah, if you want to work thirty hours a day."

"Ha, ha, funny man."

"Seriously Tim, we will be burning the midnight oil on this one,
frequently."

Tim Burton was one year younger than Josh and they were the company genii.
The most creative Architects that Landau Corporation had ever got their
hands on. Tim was an all American athlete. He towered above Josh and
sported a physique to die for but between them there was nothing to choose
when it came to architectural talent.

Tim had watched Josh from the day he joined the company. Small, cute, and
sad, oh so sad. He never smiled, he never partied and he had no known
friends or relationships. Tim was curious, because in every other way Josh
was a delight to work with. Pleasant and friendly, but at a distance, he
never let anyone get close or too familiar with him. He was dedicated,
worked hard, never took time off and was always first in and last out of
the offices.

This new project brought them much closer together culminating in Josh
asking Tim to his apartment for a strategy meeting one night.

Tim was awe struck as he walked in to the apartment. It looked like a
shrine to the boy whose photographs and portraits appeared to occupy all
spare space. The painting holding centre stage in the main reception room
had obviously been done from the photo sat on one of the coffee tables. All
of the other photos were of this same boy, many of them with Josh in
them. The love in Josh's eyes in any where he was looking at the other guy
left no doubt about his feelings. It was everywhere, memorabilia from the
lives of two teenage boys. The whole made Tim shiver.

"I almost daren't ask Josh. Who is the boy?"

Josh looked at where Tim's eyes were and sighed.

"That's Mattie, I hate him."

No venom in that statement, just a cold, sad, three words.

Tim was shocked.

"I don't understand, all these photos, paintings and memorabilia and you
hate him."

"Yes, he promised me he would be with me until I died, and he left me at
seventeen.

Tim was struggling to get his head round this one.

"Where did he go then?"

Josh looked up and pointed.

"Up there I guess, no one as wonderful as him would go anywhere else."

"Sorry, you've lost me."

"He was killed in a car accident our last year in high school, but he
promised me we would grow old together. I don't want to talk about it
anymore, let's get on with the job."

All that brush off did was make Tim more curious, particularly as the tears
ran silently down Josh's cheeks

They worked steadily at the project. Josh was the perfect host laying on
food and drink. Light wines, nicely chilled, finger food so that they could
keep working. Josh had a state of the art drawing table in his work room.
The only room in the apartment that had no reminders of Mattie.

The two young men worked well together and that appeared to get better as
this project moved on and Tim realised what an incredible man Josh was.
But, of course, nothing happened. Tim understood that Josh was still
totally in love with the man he said he hated but in fact carried a huge
torch for.

No good for Tim, he started to fall in love with this work mate and
couldn't get to first base. In the end, frustration won. At Josh's again
and Tim grabbed the bull by the horns, so to speak. During a break from
working he pulled Josh to his feet and held him firmly by the shoulders.

"Josh, correct me if I'm wrong. You're gay aren't you?"

"No, don't be silly."

"What about your relationship with Mattie before he died?"

"That was different, I loved Mattie with every fibre of my being."

"Even so, your relationship was sexual, wasn't it?"

"Yes, but that's none of your business."

Josh tried to turn away but Tim wouldn't let him.

"I love you as well, Josh, I'm sure I could never take the place of Mattie,
but I want to look after you, I want to love you and show you that love."

Josh was flustered, he managed to break away and busy himself with other
things.

"No, I'm sorry Tim, that won't work."

"Yes it will Josh, you can't bury love forever. You have so much to give,
give me a little. I promise to look after it."

Josh was overwhelmed at the intensity in Tim's words.

"I'm sorry, I can't. There is nobody in the world can replace what I have
lost."

"I don't want to replace him, I just want to take a little of your love and
pay you back with all of mine."

Josh was shocked again, this couldn't be happening, he didn't want it to
happen. He had Mattie tightly locked away in his mind and his heart. He
didn't want anyone intruding on that love.

Tim didn't give up, at every opportunity he lavished affection on Josh. He
gentled him into discrete touches when they were working, a light stroking
of the arm, a too long touch of the hand when he guided it during an
operation. A gentle ruffling of the hair when Josh got a little uptight.

Josh began to realise he was missing the human touch, he and Mattie were
always touching, it was so thrilling and conveyed the love they felt for
each other. Tim was nice, he was easy to work with, they never appeared to
have issues that caused harsh words and he began to realise he liked to
laugh again, it had been so long. It was no good though, he felt guilty. He
thought he was being unfaithful to Mattie's memory.

Things came to a head one night in the apartment, Tim could resist his
desires no longer and at a break when Josh was a bit stressed he took him
in his arms and stroked his back, whispering soft words as he did so. Too
much for Josh, he burst into tears.

"No Tim, you mustn't, I can't, Mattie is my life, I can't betray his love."

Tim was angry. He grabbed Josh again and pulled him into a tight embrace.

"He's dead Josh, he's been dead for ten years. You have to start to live
again. I'm sure he wouldn't want this life for you. Let him go a little,
take some of that love and let me handle it. Please Josh, I love you so
much, please let me into your life."

Complete overload, this was too much for Josh. He had never before had to
consider anyone else intruding into his personal world. He was happy with
Mattie wasn't he? He couldn't physically touch him he knew, and he missed
that, but the memories, they were still so vivid. The pictures, the
memorabilia, they all shrieked of Mattie and him in the good times. How
could he possibly give up any of that?

When he rejoined the world he was cradled in Tim's arms being gently
stroked, and gradually he picked up Tim's voice.

"I love you Little Man. I'm not going to stop loving you so get used to
it."

Josh couldn't speak but he snuggled in closer to Tim. It felt so good to be
held, to be touched, to be loved. He knew he missed it, he knew he wanted
it, but he couldn't, he couldn't betray Mattie.

Fully recovered now, Josh jumped up, apologised to Tim and tried to act
normally.

"Sorry about that, would you like a drink and something to eat? I don't
think we can do any more tonight. Let's have a look at this problem fresh
tomorrow."

He got up and, as casually as he could, walked into the kitchen, closely
followed by Tim.

"Nice try little man, I'll let it go tonight, but I know you enjoyed that.
When you talk to Mattie after I've gone tell him you have a new friend who
loves you. Ask him if it's ok for you to return a little of that love? He
looks like the kind of guy that would be thinking of your happiness a lot."

Tim didn't wait for anymore, he left.

Josh did talk to Mattie that night. He told him about his new friend, a new
friend who loved him.

"I know you would have liked him Mattie, he's kind and gentle, witty and
clever. He doesn't want to steal my love for you, he just wants to take a
little of it to look after. He looks sad Mattie, like I do, but I love you
so much, how can I share any of that love?"

Ten years on and the sobbing wasn't any less heartrending than it had been
on the day Mattie died. Josh simply could not let go.

Tim kept trying to break through the barrier that was Mattie and failed
miserably. Josh had built an impregnable fortress round his love

The project was finished to everyone's satisfaction in four months. Josh
and Tim picked up huge bonuses which Josh saved, what would he spend money
on? Tim didn't. He couldn't lavish it on a lover so he bought a fast car.

New projects at work but not together. Josh watched from a distance as
another sad face passed through his life. Tim would get animated for a few
minutes when he spoke about his new car, a Porsche Turbo Carrera, but as
soon as he looked at Josh the sad face returned.

Now Josh started to feel guilty. He didn't like making this friend sad, he
did like him, he wanted to give more of himself but Mattie was always
there, now almost like a spectre.

One night, sat alone in his apartment and thinking about going to bed he
was just saying goodnight to Mattie when his `phone rang.

"Josh Hartley, good evening."

"Mr. Hartley, I'm calling from the General Hospital. Do you know a Timothy
Burton?"

"Yes, we work together."

"Well he's been in a serious car accident. The only contact he has in his
wallet is your business card. Could you come to the hospital straight away?
We need to operate and someone needs to sign a release."

"Ok, I'm on my way."

Josh went into auto mode then. He dressed, grabbed his wallet and keys and
headed for the car park. Twenty minutes later he was talking to a surgeon
at the hospital.

"He can't tell us who his next of kin is but if you are a friend or
colleague I guess your signature will do. I need it now Mr. Burton, he's on
the table ready to go and any more delay could lessen his already slim
chances of surviving this."

Tim signed, more in shock than he liked to admit later. Sat in the waiting
room after that he had plenty of time to think. Tim was in surgery for six
hours.

Six hours of thinking gave Josh time to realise how much he liked this big
man who had managed to make him laugh sometimes and who felt so good to
cuddle. Could these feelings be love. `Please Mattie, what am I going to
do, I don't want to lose him, or you?'

`Love him a little Josh, maybe even a lot, you can still love me too.'

Josh knew he had answered his own question, he knew now Mattie wouldn't
mind him having someone else to love. He would only love him a little
though, he didn't want to sideline Mattie, and he certainly didn't want to
risk another trauma if he lost another love.

When the surgeon came through from theatre he looked very serious and Josh
wondered if perhaps he was too late to love this new man.

"Mr. Hartley, we've done all we can. He needs the will to live now, we
can't do anymore. You can go in to see him. He is still unconscious but he
should gradually come out of the anaesthetic over the next hour or so."

Josh looked down on the face of his friend, it was still twisted in pain
and Josh prayed he would get well. He pulled up a chair and sat close
enough to be able to take Tim's hand. Then he started talking to him. He
told him about his decision to give love another try.

"I like you so much Tim, I think I can give you a little of my love as
well. Mattie thinks I should share my love for him."

During the next few hours Josh told Tim all the things it would be fun for
them to do, things he hadn't done since he was a boy.

"I don't think we'll let you loose on anymore fast cars though. You'll just
have to get used to driving with me in my sedate way."

Tim sniggered and squeezed Josh's hand. In a very weak voice he replied.

"I think I can handle that Little Man. In fact I can handle anything that
involves you."

The Doctors were amazed at the recovery rate of their patient.

"I don't know what you have done to Mr. Burton, but we didn't give him
better than a 50/50 chance of recovery, but here we are only a couple of
weeks down the road and we're thinking of releasing him if he can go
somewhere where he will be cared for."

Josh had been working on that principal since the operation and had worked
his butt off to finish his current project.

"Tim Burton is going to need round the clock care for a while Boss, I'm
going to take some overdue holiday to look after him when this project is
complete."

"No argument from me Josh, I wondered if you were ever going to take the
holiday we owe you. Just get Tim better so that I can slave drive the pair
of you again."

Case closed. When Tim was released, Josh took him straight to his apartment
and settled him into his king sized bed.

"You are staying with me until you are well Tim, no argument."

Tim looked round and realised Josh had removed most of the photos and
pictures of Mattie, there were just a few now, what you might expect if you
had a close friend.

"I want to care for you Tim, I want our friendship to grow. When you are
well I'll give you a little of my love to see how you treat it, but
understand, Mattie is number one, and probably always will be."

Tim smiled.

"I can handle that Little Man, I told you, I don't want to replace Mattie,
I just want to give you all my love in exchange for whatever you think I
deserve."

Not devious, but calculating. It didn't matter what Josh did or thought,
Tim would give him all his love and pray for some return.

He got well quickly, probably helped by having a little man sleeping next
to him every night. The first of those was funny.

Bed time and Tim watched as Josh pulled spare bedding from a linen
cupboard.

"What's that for Josh?"

"I'm going to sleep in the lounge, I don't want to disturb you."

"No you aren't, if you aren't going to sleep in this bed, I'm not either."

Argument got Josh nowhere so in the end he slept with Tim, but as far away
from him as possible.

"I'm not shunning you Tim, I just don't want to risk hitting any place that
I could do damage."

Tim could live with that as he regained his strength.

The nights progressed with Tim regaining his strength and his wounds
heeling. During the day the two young men told each other about their
lives. Josh cooked and cleaned, gave Tim bed baths so that he smelt clean,
supplied tooth cleaning gear with a bowl, used a bed pan so that he didn't
have to get out of bed. The bed baths were interesting. Josh got the chance
to see a naked Tim every day. What he saw stirred something long forgotten.
A sexual thought, the first for ten years that didn't have Mattie at its
centre. Tim was badly scarred from the surgery, there had been so much
broken inside him the surgeons had worked overtime to stitch it all back
together again leaving numerous entry scars. All of that aside, the body
was superb, he had obviously looked after himself since leaving college.
His genitals had Josh gasping. Tim was proud of what he carried in between
his legs. Long and thick, even flaccid it looked impressive, ball sac in
nice proportion. The first time Josh saw it he blushed.

"Don't be embarrassed Josh, what you see is all yours, all of me, broken
and busted as it is belongs to you. Look at it all you like, do what you
like with it. As long as it's you I don't care what is done to me."

Josh leant forward and gently kissed Tim on the lips.

"I'll try to look after it then."

Tim smiled and nodded. That one small brush of the lips had confirmed what
he already knew. `I know I am going to love this little man forever.'

Over time Josh began to feel the same, but Mattie had said forever as well,
so, love with a reserve price on it for Josh.

Tim got better, and as he did the two moved closer in bed until Tim was
cuddling Josh.

The first night Josh cried, having someone to cuddle him was overwhelming.

"I love you Tim, please look after it."

Tim's response was full of surprise.

"Are you kidding, it has taken me over a year to hear those words, I'm
never going to give you the opportunity to retract them."

And he didn't.

They worked together, they played together and it wasn't long before they
were repeating what Josh had done with Mattie.

The night they 69ed for the first time was magic, but when it was over Josh
realised that this was like a re-run of an old movie and he dissolved in
laughter.

"Well, I thought I could guess what your response would be to that, but I
never came close. What was so hysterically funny?"

"Are you sure you haven't got a private line to Mattie. I think he
choreographed that, and our lead in to it."

Tim looked bemused.

"I don't understand."

"I've just realised that from day one of us trying sex it has been like a
perfect repeat of what Mattie and I did. I want you to ******** me Tim, now."

Tim didn't understand, but he certainly wasn't going to pass up an
invitation like that.

Tim made love to Josh like it was going to be their last time. He was
gentle, considerate, and took forever. When he slid his not insubstantial
p***s over Josh's sphincter, both men went to heaven.

When they orgasmed Josh cried, but through his tears he managed to say.

"I love you Tim, I love you so much."

Tim cried too, his life was complete at last, his love was returned in full
now. He knew he was never going to be happier than this in his life.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++