Sooo, yeah. So, my friends and I went to the mall last Saturday, and we had a blast. Nandoodles was there, so we got to catch up with her life and everything, and we finally got to see the infamous Campbell (soup) that Gifts kept talking about. The person I liked was also there, sooo...yeah. That was probably one of the happiest days I've had in a while.
Then, yesterday, everything seemed to crash down. I woke up that morning remembering that a project was due that very day, and I barely knew about the subject I was talking about. I had gotten a 68 on a math quiz, and it wouldn't be that bad, except it was on probablility. How the hell can I fail at probability?
But that wasn't really the worst news. When I was getting home from school, one of my friends that didn't even go to the mall told me that the person knew I liked him and that he said he wasn't into me; he liked someone else.
I felt...crushed? Nah, more like deflated. I dunno how I really felt, but I went through the whole day in some sort of a daze, unable to really focus on anything (bad bad bad, cuz I had to babysit and have bass guitar lessons that day). Finally, after the kids I was babysitting were asleep, I called Gifts.
I called Nandoodles.
I finally had to call Lys, who told him in the first place, if my sources were correct, and get everything I could out. It sort of shocked me. Not the fact that he didn't like me back, but the fact that absolutely everyone knew it except for me. I felt betrayed, in a way. He knew, and failed to tell me. All of my friends knew, and they failed to tell me. It was almost like a sort of double-take.
I'd also learned that he'd read my blog, where I posted a blog that almost obsessed about him. It was just...I dunno. It was hard to accept.
But at the same time, I could accept it. Easily. Disturbingly easily, even for me. I couldn't help but feel relieved at the fact that it was out and that it almost didn't matter anymore. I realized that, though it must have been awkward for him, he was still my friend on Monday. He didn't avoid me, or say things about me, or b***h me out. And I thought (and think) that that's a really nice quality to have in a friend.
So, I got home, did homework, yadda yadda, then I went to bed. And I cried. I couldn't help it. That whole day made me feel like the world had something against me. But as I cried as quietly as I could, I realized that it wasn't rejection I was crying over; instead, it was the way it had come out. I didn't want it to be that friend who told me. I wanted it to be Lys. I wanted it to be Gifts. I wanted it to be Nandoodles. More importantly, I wanted to hear it from Drew.
That night was odd. Mostly because I did think about "what if he didn't feel the same way about me" the night before: I asked myself if I'd cry over him, and my answer was no. But yet, there I was, crying. It was just really weird.
So, today, I discovered a few more things. Lys had given him her username and password for the sole purpose of reading my blog. That, I think, is just not what a friend should do. After I freaked, after I told her that I'd wrote that blog, she still gave it to him.
There was something else, though. The atmosphere was almost crushing. I didn't want to be around him, no way. As I went through the day, it got worse: My stomach threatened to reject the food I'd consumed earlier, my face got red, and I felt like I had a headache. Things weren't the way they were; I suppose they never will be, but it still takes time to get used to it.
During science, I felt awful: He was in my next class. My stomach was churning for food (that was my lunch class), yet at the same time it was ready to expel anything I ate. Not wanting to miss the school day for a case of anxiety, I didn't eat anything except for an orange and a stick of cheese. Nothing else would have held down, I think.
So, then French came. By then, I was literally ready to puke. Then I realized that oral presentations were to be presented today. To make matters worse, he was the partner I had. I didn't want to deal with it, with the awkwardness that came with him on this day. Through the agonizing fifteen minutes of waiting, I heard our names and thought Damn. We were third to go.
Luckily, he didn't seem to find anything wrong with it. I suppose it was because he had known for the entire weekend and Monday, so it was less of a deal to him. He and I went through our oral presentation without a hitch, save the fact my hands were shaking so hard I could barely read the paper I was holding up.
He talked to me on my way to my locker, as usual. That, I was glad for, because it seemed like nothing was wrong between us, that it was just like a normal day.
The feeling faded at orchestra, probably because he wasn't talking. I then felt awkward and insecure again; after all, I, as of this moment, do not know his feelings of this. I only heard from others, and I want - need - to hear it from him. But that's for later.
At chorus, my stomach wasn't rebelling against me (thank God), but the oddness of the situation came back full blast. We sat far apart from each other, not feeling like conversing. Then, when our choral teacher arranged us for our winter concert, I felt so awkward: I'm tall, and he's tall, so we stood with but one person separating us. Gifts, who was three people away, gave me sympathetic looks, but it didn't help. I'm not sure anything could have helped. I did my best to ignore him and went on my way.
When we got back to the chorus room (we'd been practising in the theater), he sat right in front of me. Not the best feeling in the world, I can assure you.
To my relief, Gifts and he started fighting, as usual, and I joined in as if nothing had happened. So, I guess the end of my day was good.
What I need, though, is to hear everything from him. The rejection, how he was feeling, everything. I dunno, I feel that I'll finally gain peace if I do hear it from him. Problem is, I'm too cowardly to say it to him. I know because of the way I felt that entire day: I can barely stand to walk beside him for fear he'll think of me as...I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I am. It's hard to describe.
Anyway. Just wanted to let that out. Thank you for reading.
And Lys, if Drew's reading this, you will die. I'll go to a trial if I have to.
· Tue Dec 23, 2008 @ 01:29am · 0 Comments