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The Dark Avenger.

Last night, I had a very interesting dream.
As with alot of dreams it was a strange blend of fantasy and reality and occasionally have some sort of meaning.

Anyway, this dream was a mix of my workplace and my university, while in real life they are many miles apart, in my dream they were both in the same town (and my place of work was apparently open long into the evening). During the day I was a mild mannered worker and during the night, I was a caped crusader, much like Batman. Bear with me, it gets better!

And much like the Bat, I would spend alot of time brooding and thinking about things. My workplace doubled over as my hideout (or batcave if you will), I would spend lots of time staring up at the moon, as work suddenly got a glass roof from somewhere, hidden in the shadows, thinking about things.
My best friend and I would have 'deep chats' about things, he was my 'Albert' almost. Just much younger and we would talk about all kinds of social problems, problems with me, how we might solve them.. A great deal of mental and verbal jousting was going on, in a good natured way. Even if I was a little gloomy about it all.
Obviously I was a closet emo in this dream.
When Ben went home for the night, I would have the same conversations with a sort of mental projection of myself who would talk to me about myself and was very helpful at explaining things in a calm and friendly way. I can't remember exactly what he (me?) said, as the more I think about it the more abusive he seems to become for some reason, which isn't what he was like.

After a rough evening at 'work', in which a lady had to leave to have her baby and sent me a text message asking me if I hated her which was why I took so long, I hit the streets as a policemanofficer, vigilante type role in my Dark Avenger outfit.
It wasn't anything too outrageous, don't worry!

So yes, I hit the streets and before too long I came across one of my friends from university who was having a bit of a rough time, bless her. She was blind drunk, half naked and very anti-social. So I came to her rescue and took her home and made sure she was alright.
Once we got back to her home, we *might* have shared a few smooches, but I knew this isn't what I wanted so I left, to which she was quite upset about.

So I went back to work (which was shut) but Ben was still there and we shared a wise chat. Eventually he went home and I carried on having the conversation with my crazy mental projection, although he was berating me slightly as well. And this is where it gets interesting.

While I can't remember what it was that he said to me, it was something along the lines of I wasn't quite ready to be one of the 'good guys' just yet, I couldn't stop being critical of myself enough to open myself up to really helping people fully and going home happy, complete and content that I had done my bit to make the world a better place.

He spoke about what was wrong with me, personality flaws and such. He likened me to an incomplete hero costume, like without the helmet (which is oddly enough what I was and was not wearing as I sat in the darkness).
He said how... This next bit is quite hard to explain. While I would help people, I would only do what was needed and not a great deal more. Because I didn't want or wasn't ready to feel good about the work that I was doing. I wanted to come back to the 'Batcave' and brood in the dark about what was wrong with me and why I couldn't open myself up to love and happiness.
Does that make any sense?

Anyway, there was a second part to the dream, but it wasn't quite as interesting!

This dream has got me thinking though, because it does make alot of sense. I think about how I operate as a person and how I don't walk away from helping someone feeling positive, but like I could have done more.
It's like I've got to proove something to myself and to other people, but that I never will be I am too critical of myself. It's never enough to sort out whatever issues are inside of my head, whatever has me thinking like this.

I really don't understand myself sometimes, but I think, last night, I made a little bit of sense to myself.

Now, what am I going to do about it?