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I was sitting at a table in Hastings yesterday. I was relaxing, sipping my coffee, reading a TidBitz. It was calm, with what sounded like elevator music playing quietly through the speaker. If course, I didn't hear it, I had my headphones in my ears. I needed this, especially after being drugged for my foot. I had been antsy all day, with no specific reason at all for the behavior. The cool air from a fan kept me nice and steady. When I get too hot, I tend to get very annoyed, aggravated, any way you want to say it. I always loved the cold. Which is why I was getting ready to sit outside when I heard the little jingle from the door opening. I turned out of bored curiosity to see a couple, no older than me, holding hands, looking happy.

I initially thought to myself "This won't last through high school...". But it changed when I looked at them again. They truly did have a glow about them, in their eyes. I saw something I hadn't seen in a very painfully long time. They had love in their eyes. They knew what their other was thinking. They smiled at each other, holding hands. They bought some cold coffee like drink, and shared it. It was obvious they respected each other. They weren't like any other couple you see at school, all touchy feely, being f**'s or slut's. They were human beings. Not monsters. I couldn't help but smile, knowing now that there ARE good people in this world. They sat in their little corner, not speaking as they knew what they would say. It was like as if they could read each others' minds.

I couldn't help but feel some remorse, some despondency. I had always wished I had something like that. Never happened. I always wanted. I always dreamed. It never came to be. I felt alone. Not alone like I've said in the past. No, those weren't real feeling of loneliness. This was the first time I TRULY felt so alone. I feel like I've sat in a passive state while the world rushes by in the fast lane. I felt like I was missing something, or behind. That moment of time seemed to freeze. I began to think about what it was like to love someone, but not be loved back. I had done that all my life. I don't think anyone realizes how much I have sacrificed, how much I gave to them, or gave up to be like them, only to be shoved down to ground level on the social-status tree. I was never popular, I was never cared for. I know it seems like I just want attention, but I'm telling the truth.

I stood to leave, before any of my feelings came out. When I reached the door, the guy looked up and saw me. "Hey Nick! Long time no see!" he called after me. I turned around. I didn't recognize him. "Remember me? It's Zane... We went to Jason Lee together in Mrs. Woods' class" he said. I stood there, probably looking like a complete idiot, still not recognizing him. "Hey Zane, yeah I remember you" I lied. "How's life?" I asked, still at the door. "It's going pretty good. I got a job at Dairy Queen at the mall." he told me. That made me realize most teens have jobs now, while I was unemployed.

Even though I stayed emotionless, his girlfriend elbowed him and whispered something in his ears. She could tell how I felt, melancholy and bleak. "I have to go, I'm going to miss the bus..." I told them. I lied. I wouldn't miss my bus, it had already passed, so I would have to wait about 20 minutes for the next one. Zane nodded, knowing why I was leaving. I limped out of there, crutches hurting my hands.

It wasn't until today that I realized that I've been taking life so... So... So un-serious, feeling like it was unimportant. Maybe it is. Maybe it's only like that for me. Who knows. All I know is that I don't need a someone. I don't need a something. I don't need anything. It would be nice, sure. But it's not necessary. I never got anything like it before, why start now? No one was ever kind enough to be my one, no one had ever been nice enough to give me something that I truly needed. No one gave me life (and I don't mean being born). No one gave me anything but false passion, false hope. I haven't needed it so far, why should I beg for it now?

All I know is that I've made it this far, I ain't stopping. We all experience a time in our lives where you have that famous thought "To be, or not to be". I'm at that point, and I've been all I could so far, and to no avail. I'm choosing now to be. I was told once that it's alright to ask for help every once in a while. I've been asking, begging my whole life. I give advice to those who need it, then when I ask for something, whether it be love, advice, caring, anything, I never receive. I was also told once, long ago when I had come under the spell of depression, that it takes more strength to kill yourself than to live. Ever since, I've given this advice to many people, who were on the brink of suicide. No one knows this but me. And now the few who care to read this.

It was because of the events that occurred yesterday that have now changed my life. I realized I never lived it. Now's my time I guess. "Either beat the best, or die like the rest" is something I've been telling myself lately. Maybe it will help me on my travels. Who knows. I know I do.