Drinking: Mountain Dew - Code Red
Eating: Spaghetti Chicken Carbanara
Mood: Irritated, tired, pissed.
Listening to: Silence
Playing: Pokemon : Platinum Version
Reading: Nothing.
So. Being the spazzoid that I am, I decided to write a random lovely journal filled with crap-o-la and giant walls'o text. It has a lot of my own-sense sarcasm in about every sentence. I don't expect people to read it, nor do I even what them to. This is just so I can rant about how effed up I am, and about how crappy I've made my life [hopefully in the non-emo way].
Let me see... when did my life start going down the tubes?
Probably around the time my older sister moved out, and when my Dad left my mom for a period back in 2oo7.
Ever have one person in your life that was like your lifeline?
Ever have that one person who would save you if the troubles of the world pulled you under and began to drown you?
Yep. That person was my sister.
We didn't always get along, but as I began to mature, we had a lot of things in common and usually got along fine.
So imagine how I felt when she moved an hour away from where I lived. At least she didn't move out of state. I was lucky, there.
Then my parent's previous split-up. A lot of my friends know that around that time I was depressed. I was always the glue that had to hold our family together. I always had to be the strong one, because it felt like either they were too big-headed, stubborn, or weak to step up to the plate.
That was a lot to take in on top of a s**t-hole of a high school, a down-right ******** job, and babysitting.
Now, my parents are back together.
Yay!
They fight more then ever,
Boo!
I am out of high school. Finally.
Yay!
I am not in college. Yet.
Boo!
I no longer have a shitty job.
Yay!
No job at all...
Boo!
I love the children I babysit for. Watched them for about 5 years.
Yay!
No longer watch them anymore because of the father.
Boo.
So in a quick summary, this means I am basically a bum living at my parent's house with no future.
Huh.
I want to get a job, but don't think I can. How wonderful.
97% of my friends don't have a job, and if they used to, they also were laid-off.
The other 3% got lucky, or is in the Air-Force.
No job = no money for school.
I am not one of those lucky kids who grew up middle-class or more.. and have oh-so precious mommy and daddy to help pay for school.
Bitter sounding? Yeah, you bet! Since I've had to work for my s**t.
Anyways.
How depressing is it... to be so straight-forward and determined in life, and have that stripped away from you?
I guess it's my fault I don't have a job.
I could try harder.
Fill out applications every day... even though no one can get one right now.
People always want someone freshly graduated out of high school, right?
Haha... or have 1 1/2 years of job experience.
At least that gets me a leg up in the world... on the other kids.
Sitting around every day without a PURPOSE in the world is depressing.
Try it some time and see how worthless and scum-on-the-bottom-of-a-hobo's-shoe you feel.
Let me know how that works out.
Hmm... where else did my life fall to s**t?
Ah, yes. One of my best friend's hates me for eternity.
WHOO! Siren alert! Here comes the good ol' high school drama, folks!!
Why... of course you needed a new boyfriend two weeks right after you broke up with your old one whom you had been dating for for 8 months.
It makes perfect sense.
Oh.. you, he, and I all work together, too?
So now you see him at work and your time off?
How cute!
... Eh. Makes me sick. I just wanted some time with her.. away from him. Just maybe a day every few weeks or something. That so hard to ask?
Oh... I try to tell you this, and then I come off and ruin our friendship.
I tried to do everything for you... to make you happy.
But apparently, I told you that you didn't deserve friends. I apparently always demeaned you and ripped to shreds everything you always said.
If I treated you so badly, wouldn't I treat all of my friends this way?
Ehh... sorry that I was so horrid to you... and even till this day, I still miss you.
Even if you were like a child. If you were too hungry, too hot, too cold, too anything you'd become irritated and angry to the people around you...
I tried to look out for you when you were like that, and I never had a problem with it.
Hmm.. moving on.
Ah... one of my other best female friends dating one of my best guy friends?
Calls for awkwardness... eh... I can deal with it.
At least they look cute together... I think [?].
What... you broke up with him... because you didn't want to be like one of my old best friends and we hardly ever talk anymore?
Ha. Silly girl.
I don't care who you date... as long as you don't push me aside for him... that makes me sad.
Why we hardly ever talk anymore, is because I am depressed and don't feel like it...
Plus, my phone charger is a piece of junk.
I shouldn't neglect you, though.
Hmm.. moving on.
Aah, yes.
One of my oldest friends.
I know you can sometimes be busy, but I wish you'd at least pay attention to me.
I may get moody and angry a lot at you because sometimes you act like you're 12, but I still love you.
I give you hard advice because no one else seems to; or at least any good advice.
I've tried to open my mind more to things you like, and once I do... it's like it doesn't matter anymore.
I wish you would talk to me more.
About anything...
Instead of getting distracted by television, the internet, or video games.
Notice how I don't call or even talk to you on those special days?
I know you're with him... so I don't interrupt.
It doesn't bug me... but I wish you could show me at least half of the attention that you show him.
Or do I need to grow male genitalia, too?
Last, but not least...
My ex.
Yes, ex.
Not everyone knows this... though I haven't said.
Someone I loved.
Taking a break? Basically means it's over.
What happened to "we'll be dating until you don't want to anymore"?
Wasn't that my choice to make? Huh? Huh?
Not the point.
The point is the bullshit you fed me.
"I don't want to hurt you..."
Ah, so you found out some things that might make you like your Dad who is a bad person.
Yeah, I can see how that can be a major blow.
Then... why don't you let me help you?
It's YOU and ME.... we're a couple... we're supposed to help each other through the bad things.
Maybe those secrets we shared is what did us in, huh?
I have some real problems - as do you.
"I trust you more then any of my friends... and I have major trust issues".
So... if you don't like the person you're becoming, then who is going to help you? If you apparently don't trust your friends, who will be there for you?
Me.
And I still am... even though we're supposed to be friends, you don't talk to me anymore.
I guess it's weird now after all those late-night phone conversations, staying up till three am, and those "I love you's", huh?
We can never be more then "THIS". What we are now - strangers.
Even though a part of me still loves you.
Stupid me.
Though, the rest of me has moved on.
I won't wait, and people tell me you sure as hell didn't wait.
I even have proof.
So.. goodbye my romantic heart - "Kill me romantically. Fill my Soul with vomit..."
I am being more careful now, thanks to you.
No guy seems right yet, but...
I am not waiting for you...
Even if some people say "I'll wait forever".
What's the point if the other person won't even wait for you?
Ha. I am a fool.
And sound retarded.. with this family, friend, and love issues.
But, at least it is off my chest and maybe instead of getting so angry, I'll write epically long walls of text in this crappy journal.
Thanks... for being such a good wall-like listener.
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