When the going gets tough, the tough get ********]
I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.The only good thing to come out of religion was the music.
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying that there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
There ought to be at least one round state.For a long time it was all right for a woman to keep a diary, but it sounded too fruity for men. So they changed it to journal. Now sensitive men can set down their thoughts without appearing too sensitive.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it
.
Why can't there be more suffering?Did you hear about the man who left in a huff and returned in a jiffy? Another day, he arrived in a tizzy and left in a snit. His wife swept in in a fury and left in a daze, then left in a dither and returned in a whirl.
There are no times that don't have moments like these.
Since 1932, more then thirty people have been killed in post office shootings. You know why? Because the
price of stamps keeps changing. There's a lot of pressure. "How much are they now, Rob? Twenty-nine?
Thirty-two? I can't keep track! ******** it!!" BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!
Where does the dentist go when he leaves you alone?
Why are there never any really good-looking women on long distance buses?
She "took him to the cleaners." Whenever I hear that I wonder if that was the only errand he had to run. Maybe she also took him to the adult bookstore.I go to bed early. My favorite dream comes on at nine.
Everything is still the same. It's just a little different now.
You know why I stopped eating processed foods? I began to picture the people who might be processing them.The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
If I had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.
Someone said to me, "Make yourself a sandwich." Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire.
It is impossible to dry one hand.
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR: "Jeff? We're going to have to break your skull again and reset it.
Okay? It's way out of line. It looks really strange. But we won't do it until we've opened up that
incision and put some more fire ants inside of you. Ok?"
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: "Please stop sucking my d**k or I'll call the police."The idea of a walk-in closet sounds frightening. If I'm ever sittin' at home and a closet walks in, I'm gettin' outta there.
Whenever I hear about a "peace-keeping force," I wonder, if they're so
interested in peace, why do they use force?
I only respect horoscopes that are specific: "Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool knickers, will kill you on the crosstown bus."
I like Florida; everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.
Life is a near-death experience.((There will be more comming soon!))
