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I feel...funny. I have this weird feeling in my stomach, or my gut rather. An odd feeling that I can not describe. These past few days have been somewhat troubling to me, as I try to sort out my priorities in life right now. Things at home are not improving, and do not look like they ever will.
Anxiety, maybe. This feeling, I remember it, I have felt it before. An anxious feeling, like something is ahead of me and I just can't wait to reach it, but what?
I have continued writing my story, that may be partially to blame. To finish it, to get the the ending and fill the gab between the present and the future. To seal my own fate.
The story, in a way, represents the kind of live I wish I had. So I guess, I am anxious to see how I end it for myself. What choices I make, how I view myself acting in a fantasy world. Funny as it may sound, I don't write things as I want them to be, rather, I make things happen in a way they should. I try to stay away from the cliche, and use the logical, more realistic choices.
My world has enveloped me, and it can be seen everywhere I go. Kat lingers in the back of my mind, yet her presence is somehow still strong. I still love her very much, even though she is just a representation of what I wish I had. Or maybe, I love the fantasy in which I created her from, my own world in which I spawned.
To love something that isn't real... I still have not figured that out yet. It doesn't matter what it looks like, but the thought of living out my life in the world I had created, seems... rather odd, doesn't it? They are just thoughts, yet my imagination is unique. I can feel what I think, in a sense.
I think of something, I concentrate, and even if I've never seen or touched it before, I somehow get the feeling that I am touching it, feeling the warmth or the cold, the texture. My imagination draws from all that I know, using it to create these feelings as I write.
During, one particular excerpt, I made myself cry. As I wrote, the images that ran through my mind were horrifying, they had the true effect that I was aiming for, and it scared me to tears. Just thinking about it now, is making my hands shake in fear, because it is something that I wish never to happen, and hopefully I won't live long enough to see anything of that sort happen.(If you wish to know, you can send me a PM and ask, but it's rather silly I must admit. I am emotional in that way, so forgive me).
The classes I am taking aren't exactly taught by the most efficient instructors, so they are becoming increasingly difficult, which puts me at a disadvantage since they are the classes I need to get into the career I am aiming for.
Summer is slowly approaching, and with it comes my usual overjoyed mood. Except, this time around, I am alone. My father lives elsewhere, leaving me with my mother and step-father who do nothing for fun, ever. My brother is moving to LA to live with his girlfriend, leaving me with no one to spend time with. Katie, lives far away, so even if I did do anything, I would be by myself and wishing she was there with me, or I was with her. Wishing we were TOGETHER, at least.
I feel as if I am older than I really am, reminiscing about time I was not alive to see. Feeling as if I miss the days of being a child. Missing those days when you were outside with the sun shining overhead on a clear blue sky. That slight breeze blowing past you with that crisp smell of fresh air. Surrounded by friends who wished nothing more but to have fun.
*sighs as a tear rolls down his cheek*
Those times are long gone, however. I am older, soon to be an adult, and the time has come for me to be responsible and sort out my life.
The choices I make from here on out will have great influence on my future, so I must make them carefully. Already considering some, I have but a few that I can choose from.
I am fortunate to have a very sweet and special girlfriend, and to me nothing is more important than her happiness. And I will do anything to keep her happy, so I also have to keep this in mind when I make decisions. Still, I wonder. What will become of me, of us? Will I be able to make the right choices to provide a good future for us? I can only hope, for both our sakes. In time, I will know.
All of this, among other things, have sort of slumped me into a minor depression. My priorities are not clear, and I am having trouble focusing on them, so I feel as if I am lost and in need of guidance once again. Father, where are you? Please help me...
 Dreadhawk Dragontail · Wed Mar 28, 2007 @ 08:50am · 0 Comments |
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