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Christmas time is here.....Happiness and cheer..... |
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*sigh* More lyrics from an old song I sang for choir or choraliers. I just.....I can't feel cheery or happy at this time of year.
Actually, I feel kinda dead.
See, I was looking forward to going to see my best friend over Christmas Break....that was the only thing I was looking forward to - the only thing I really asked for, even. My Dad said yes, and he'd convince Mom.....and then my mom broke her foot. Dad still said yes, until he talked to Mom. She somehow convinced him that a girl who grew up walking down Highway 20 at 1am to get groceries past strip clubs and adult book stores in GARY would be in-danger in a town with a population of less than my HIGH SCHOOL. Then, another excuse was that "you don't know what kinda crazies are out there" in response to me riding a bus. Yeah, cuz living right on the outskirts of Gary, in a pot neighborhood and across the street from a crack neighborhood you don't encounter ANY crazies!!!! And then my mom needs my help.....when Stevie's here again. TEE EFF? She has him, she doesn't need me.
Anyways.....I'm just.....I'm really depressed lately. Only one person is keeping me here, and they're my life saver. <3 heart
Trying not to be depressed just....it doesn't work.
I feel physically sick thinking about being stuck in this house for the entirety of Christmas Break. I'm gonna either be spending a LOT of time on the computer or in my bedroom. I really needed that vacation with all the stress I've got going on right now....It's just too much.
I literally snapped on my mother yesterday morning....it was BAD. I was so scared that I might end up in the mental institution....that scares me. There are too many people here that I need to be here for to get locked up, I have to help before I can do anything else. >< I just....I can't wait for the next 9 months and 9 days to pass....until the day I turn 18. After that, nobody's stopping me from doing what I NEED to do. And in a year and a few months, hopefully I'll be in Terre Haute at Indiana State.
But the whole reason for starting this journal entry was to talk about this horrible feeling in my stomach. It's so knotted and....I feel PHYSICALLY sick. I haven't felt this bad since my freshman year. I hate the whole "family" being here because my Dad and I did so good when it was just us. Now with mother and Stevie here, everything hurts. Nothing is right anymore and everything is falling back to the way it was my Freshman year. Ya know, the last time I tried to kill myself.
I just.....I don't want to get back to that point. That was when I had nobody and now I have too many people that would be hurt by my actions if I tried that again. I just hope that the thought of them can keep me strong....
Please, my dear friends and family, keep me strong.
I love you all dearly. <3
Tanee
 TanyaDawn · Wed Dec 20, 2006 @ 11:23pm · 1 Comments |
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