[A Message from John Cleese (of Monty Python fame) To
the citizens of the United States of America]
NEWS FLASH
"In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
Governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation
guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half
the letters. The suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
suffix "ise".
Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary). Using the
same 27 words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will tell
Microsoft on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -"ize".
You will relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save the Queen".
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or
therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should
only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore,
you will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap,
and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of Humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been
calling gasoline)--roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to
it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist
on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips
are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but
with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is
not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter
will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. American
brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast
English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you
brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has
some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a
rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
a bunch of
nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series
for a game that is not played outside of America.
However, since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation."
Pyrit Princess Community Member 
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