Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I posted this as a note on Facebook for all of my friends and family to see, but I think my journal is a good place to keep track of it as well. <3

A man on the bus yesterday walked up to me and told me, "Jesus saves, sister. Jesus loves you" while handing me a paper. I smiled at him, took the paper, and looked down at it. The paper was informing me, among other things, that Jesus would clear my skin and give me a beautiful complexion if only I would love and worship him. I calmly placed the paper within my planner and put it back in my backpack without a word.

Had this happened to me even just last week, I would have been in tears the moment I saw the word "pimple" on the top of the page. But you know what? It doesn't phase me in the slightest. It seems so funny now, but it was so simple. I know the man was only trying to help. He genuinely felt like I had a problem that his word could help fix, and I appreciate his kindness in that respect. And that thought was all that it took. I had an "Avatar" effect, lol. The moment I began to feel sad over it, understanding began to overflow from me and it overtook all of it. It was like the episode where Aang takes Ozai's bending away. Ozai's bad essense was my sadness, but Aang's good essense overcame it. That is exactly how it felt. ^_^

This might seem like a silly story to anyone else for all I know, but it set in stone that I have figured it out! I am so incredibly and attainably happy!

I don't know how much anyone assumed or knew about my personal unhappiness, but now that it is gone, I feel completely OK with sharing what I forced myself to go through alone, even though I now know that I could have easily sought help from any one of my beautiful and kind friends. I realize now that I didn't need to do it alone, and I hope that if anyone reads this, they realize that too.

The people in your life don't surround themselves with you because you smell nice (well, maybe that's one reason :p ). It's because you're a beautiful human being, and they can all sense that in you.

So for years now (I don't know the specifics. It all sort of blends together when you're in that state) I have been horribly unhappy, and I don't use that word lightly. Nearly every day I would think about what the world would be like without me in it. I'd wonder if anyone would truly care, or if it would be ok to let myself give up and maybe they'd understand. After all, wasn't it selfish to force me to remain here just for them? Every time I met someone new, I just knew that they hated me. It didn't matter if all I said was "hi", they felt what a bad person I was and hated me for it. Every minute I didn't spend talking to an old friend, I just knew it was because they didn't love me anymore. It wasn't because they were busy. Or because we all had our own lives now. Nope. It was about me. I even felt like my family hated me. If someone didn't hear what I said (which is honestly quite permissable, I don't talk very loud), that was my mind's excuse to see that they hated me. But when I talked too much, I hated myself. When you spend enough time feeling that way, your eyes quite literally become gradually covered in a cloudy haze. Nothing is clear, it all looks foggy.

When I was 18 or 19, my parents took me to see someone professionally. I only saw her for two visits before I backed out of it altogether (I'm not sure why, honestly). But on that first visit with that woman, she told me about an agreement that would make me happier. It was an agreement that I was supposed to make with myself, and which would help me become happier. And that agreement was "Don't take anything personally". Even then, it hit hard. It was so simple, yet I needed to hear it. The agreement was only one of four in a book called The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz. She told me to go find and to read it. After I backed out of seeing her, I started to think about that book. I looked it up and made the decision to buy it. I ordered it offline and read it. It was amazing. I felt amazing. It was so perfect, so simple, and so true! But the effects of the book only lasted for a little while. I was able to remember all of the agreements throughout my daily life, but I made no attempt to practice them. I eventually slipped even further back into whatever deep hole I had dug for myself. I carried on hating myself and "knowing" that everyone hated me.

Last week I decided to give the book another go. I had said to that day that I loved the book, and that it changed me, but I hadn't read it in years. I downloaded the audio-book and listened to it while I was cleaning the house. It felt amazing. It was beautiful. I felt SO happy and light and carefree. I didn't just remember all of the points that were made, I understood them on a whole new level. It opened up an entirely new perspective on life that was there all along. I went and printed off the agreements so I could paste them everywhere and never allow myself to forget that feeling again.

I can see now that, while I care about peoples' opinions, the most important to my life is my own. If I don't love myself, then nobody will. If I don't think I'm beautiful, I never will be. It was all in my head, and it was all about my own perceptions. I'm going to be with me for a long while, so why would I not make it a loving relationship? If we are our own worst judges, then why would we not make sure to always do the best that we can so that we can't possibly judge ourselves harshly? Why would we waste our words on unkindness when we could be spreading love and happiness? And why would we waste SO much time taking every, little thing to our hearts. Sometimes people hurt, and it is too easy to allow that hurt to overflow into other people. But we don't have to accept that. We can reject it, and we can recognize it for what it is: Someone else's struggle is becoming too much for them to handle. Instead of being angry, we should try to help. We've all been there, we all know how hard it is.

If I could describe this feeling in one word, it would be "elated". Light, fluffy, clear, incredibly happy. That hazy cloud is just gone. The world is so full of vibrant and beautiful colors that I haven't seen in years. But there it is! And oh my goodness I am grateful. Thank you ALL for being in my life. I am so sorry that I took you for granted, but please forgive me as I have forgiven myself. I love you. You're all so beautifully unique and awesome. Don't ever forget this, and I won't either.

I know I'm a cornball. I know I'm cheesy. But I don't care! =D I think that's ok. If you think this is stupid, then I have this to say to you: Why does someone else's happiness hurt you so much? Instead of focusing your feelings on how I feel, focus on how you feel. But maybe you're not ready for that. In that case, I will have to kindly ask you to remove yourself from my friends list because I no longer wish to have stubbornly unhappy people in my life. If you're willing to become happy, then please stay! I'm more than willing to talk to you in my own way about anything that you may need to vent about. Please, if you need to just talk about anything, add me to your list of options. =]

Happiness is a simple choice. It isn't always easy, but it is simple. It was never hidden under a rock somewhere, you were born with it. Some of us have forgotten, and tried to find it in other places. But it's in you. You don't have to look far at all. I hope that sometime in the near future, everyone realizes this too. =]




The Four Agreements

1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.


I own a hard copy of The Four Agreements that I love to pieces, but if you feel that you would like to read it, I will gladly give it up. If you think it could help you become happier, then please give it a try. It's not everyone's thing, but it was my key. It opened my heart to what was inside of me all along. If it isn't yours, then that's ok. Don't give up, and I hope that you find yours soon.

Be happy, and be kind. <3