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random jotting.
To toss in the towel
Late last night I'd crawled into bed and wondered what the **** i was doing. Not in regard to sleeping. I began doubting the validity of all i’ve accomplished in these past four years of highschool. Everyone keeps telling me how fine I'll be when I graduate but I think I just want to hear someone say that there's a possibility nothing will work out how I want it to. Because why rule out that possibility? I just want to do so much. Yet sometimes I think I'm not not even cut out for this seemingly endless limbo.

Is it strange that the feel of my own heart both calms and scares the hell out of me?

Some days go by where I can't even handle how thankful I am for being alive; when I think I don't deserve it all and then at the same time wish could I could throw up my hands. There's a weight inside me that tugs me senseless, daring me to stray from it's hold. I've felt lost within this weight even as a child; crying in my bed in elementary for no reason other than the vast and somber presence inside me. I remained distanced from classmates that I should have been able to relate to. Of course on the outside I remain only "independent." A euphemistic word I've grown to hate, lifting me into a position as if I am something great to look up to and say, yes, she has accomplished this all on her own: she had no one to lean against and yet still succeeded! But, really, what is success? I always thought it subjective, not something someone else could reward to you, crown, badge-like. Then I feel as if every person regarded as successful lives a constant lie believing their swelled egos make them who they truly are inside. Are they the happy ones? Are they the self-actualized fools of this planet that have gained a rank in society so high as to avoid all other mutilation that my own daily life seems to keep enduring? Of course only in my own head. Wherever I go, no matter who I'm with, I am smiling a smile that attempts to hide misery....

For once I'd like people to tell me straight and loud the kind of person that I am.
Tell me stranger, how can I make this matter, can I make any of this matter at all?

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