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Dear Online Diary
My Life in a Post (again)
- What is the most physically painful experience you've ever suffered through? What caused it? How long did the pain last? Did you fully recover? Tell us about it.
Well, I've had a lot of painful events happen, such as accidentally running through a glass door. What happned was my little cousin started a game of tag. She was very excited when the adults joined in. I wasn't. They were very violent and competitive, and her dad would always go after me. Finally, by the end of the day, as I was getting ready to go, my uncle tore after me, so I ran in the house and went to go for the backyard, which was opened up to all day. Apparently my grandma closed the glass door, so I ran directly through it and lie in the mess of glass surrounding me. I had to be lifted up becuse I had glass in my entire front-side, preventing me from pushing myself up. I did not know how to react, so everyone thought I was knocked unconcious, but it was actually me just not knowing how to get back up. The pain still lasts, not badly, but I get bursts of pain if I hit all these damned scars from the stitches. My scars are healing, but they will never fade.

- What is the most mentally/emotionally painful experience you've ever suffered through? What made it so stressful? How long did this pain last? Does it still affect you?
This is quite a big deal for me and has been a life-long ordeal. Back in kindergarten, kids would say "I want to be a fireman" or "I want to be a policeman." Me, a little girl, would say, "I want to be my brother." In kindergarten, I realized I liked girls, and I wished to be a boy. I had this dream of the first girl I had a crush on. I went up to her and said,"I like you, Morgan, like a boy should. Is that okay with you?" She was a good friend of mine and I liked her, so I wrote papers about her all through elementary. I started masturbating when I was in 1st grade to the thoughts of her. I couldn't stop, and would touch myself everywhere in the house. My parents would tell me it was gross- I didn't understand, so I would say I was cold, put a blanket on, and continue with my hands in my panties. In third grade, I started wearing my brother's clothes to school. My mother was angery with me, so she took me clothes shoppng and I would pick out clothes from the boys' section.
She would make comments such as, "I can't believe that I am shopping for my little girl in the boys aisle." But I would ignore her.
After elementary, I decided to be 'normal' and did not tell anyone of my sexuality. I was grown-up in a Catholic family, and only heard the term 'f**,' but I did not know what that meant. I thought I was abnormal. In 8th grade, a woman walked by me as I was making my way to class, and I thought damn, she's hot I became very angery with myself and pushed these feelings back until I met a girl freshman year who was a total butch, and a player. I completely fell for her. She was trouble, however, and I was sexually assaulted, by a girl. When I told the principal, he said, "Does your mom know you are with other girls?" And thus he called my mother and said I was having sex with other girls. I stared blankly while my mother yelled at me. Honestly, I was confused because I hated myself too. She accussed me of wanting to be a man, but I did not say anything.

Instead, the next day, I came home with a buzzcut. My mother cried saying, "what did you do with my little girl?" I didn't know what to say, I just went in my room and slept. I became highly sexual with girls in my high school, but very distant to anyone I was not having sex with.

Of course this issue still affects me, I never knew what to do or how to handle my feelings until this year. I am in college now and am an adult. I have decided to get a masectomy. I do not want ANY t-shots because I do not want facial hair, an adam's apple, nor a deep voice. Sadly though, this means I will not be able to have a p***s. I do not care though, because I can still say I am male, change everything saying I am male, and also, change my name to the one I desired since kindergarten.

- Did you learn anything from going through such pain?
Yes. I have learned that I am, and never will be, alone.

- What is your thresh-hold for pain? How much pain can you handle mentally? Physically? Where does pain draw the line into becoming too much to bare?
This identity problem has been a life-long problem that will finally be fixed when I am able to pay for the surgery. This problem has affected my life, so it was always too difficult to bare. I only have a handful of people supporting me, none of which are my family, but, once again, I am not alone.

- Anything else you would like to add?
Should get paid for that story.





 
 
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