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The History of the World
The REAL Bible.
The First People (Apparently)

God created the first man Adam from the dust of the ground mixed with God's spittle, and placed him in a magical garden in Eden, Nevada (now known as Las Vegas, Nevada). Satan hedged his bet by making a woman, telling God "prancing about a garden all day gets kind of boring." But God discovered Lilith was soulless, so He denied her existence, kicked her out of the Garden, and made Eve.

God then bet Satan that he couldn't get Adam and his sex-changed cloned sister Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. To protect His bet, God had previously told Adam, "thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.

Satan, on the other hand, told the always-naked siblings the naked Truth. He said, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4-5). At the prospect of becoming gods, the naked Adam and Eve could no longer suppress their primal urges. They started eating the fruit like vicious wild animals. This became known as the First Dinner Party.

God was so furious at losing the bet, He blasted the garden into desert. Still furious, He ripped off Satan's arms and legs. But Satan survived, saying, "It's only a flesh wound." Satan slithered off, becoming the first serpent and gaining the nickname "Monty Python." Because of His actions, God became the first Crime Boss.

Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were "******** ugly." They promptly used fig leaves to cover up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren't really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever "for being smart-arses." God gave them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift, and sent them to New Jersey.

The brother and sister didn't die that day as God had said, but lived for hundreds of years. Following Satan's promise, they declared themselves God and Goddess. They founded Atlantic City, created the Mormon religion, moved to Utah, practiced group marriage with their offspring and beget like, well, rabbits. This became known as polygamy and incest. In their spare time, they founded civilization. This became known as a mistake.

But God didn't bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as He went back to betting on football.





 
 
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