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What do you do when you think it's all your fault? When you think they are punish for your problems. That's the way I've been feeling... But I hide it. I hide it behind my bright smile and cheerfulness. Behind those happy eyes are a broken hearted child.
I feel like the world is finaly caving in on me. The weight on my shoulder is to much to hold. It toppled in on me and I feel like I can't escape.
Someone people belive at the end of the tunnel is the light. I found a hole. A dark and deep one.
I hide my feelings, making that hole deeper and darker. I sometimes cry myself to sleep. Only waiting for those terrible nightmares to arive.
In my dreams I kill or I die. I can't change the fact that I want to. I want to die...
I not hiding what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes I wish I would just die. I would belive some people would be better off without me.
I pray to god. I tell him what I feel and how I wish he would just... Strike a shock to my heart. Saying it's my last minute. My last minute to say good-bye to my pain.
You might say I'm being way to emotional. I've been hiding and holding this pain for over 10 years... It grows and grows...
I think sometimes of saying good-bye forever. I don't have the strenght to do that. I wouldn't ever be able to do that.
Before my father left me he would tell me time and time again with a hug. "I love you... Everything will be alright."
I really miss those words. He would hold me strong in his arms and tell me that until he knew I would feel better.
I felt safe,happy, a moment of glee but without him... I'm nothing more than a set fire in the middle of a storm. Going to die out on second after another.

With much greif,
Maria