Brandon’s Code of Equal Politeness and Honor
—1/18/2010 There are many rude people in society, but the so-called “Golden Rule” still reigns true. If someone treats you rudely, then that’s a sure sign that they’re actually asking—or in some cases even outright demanding—that you treat them like horse dung. The Golden Rule is fair as long as everyone follows it, and I can prove this with a little Code of Equal Politeness and Honor that I’ve come up with over the years. It may be a bit cynical, but at least it is also honorable…
1. If a person verbally insults you, the best retaliation is to insult the person back using words far outside of the normal vocabulary of average street degenerates. The greatest victory in your retaliation to the person’s verbal insult will not come from actually insulting the other person back so that they are conscious of it and angered, but rather by insulting the other person in such a way that it escapes them while others around him detect the insult and laugh at your cunning counter-attack and his inability to defend against it. A rude person who has an insult cleverly returned to him and does not realize it will make a far bigger fool of himself than he ever will of you. Master your vocabulary every bit as much as you master exploiting the stupidity and cowardice of rude people, and you will maintain your honor every time in a social situation that would normally have turned hostile to you.
2. If a person slams the door in your face, do not despair. Simply walk ahead of the fool so that it is your turn to hold the door later, and then by seeming accident allow the door to slam into the fool’s face. A rude person who can’t hold the door open will not be turning his nose up at anyone else for quite some time if both his nasal passages are swollen and bloodied by the slamming closed of the karma door.
3. A person who dines in a restaurant and refuses to cover his mouth when sneezing or coughing ought to have his hand pressed firmly against his face and then impaled with a salad fork so that his hand is nailed to his nose.
4. He who is so insolent as to have a trivial and/or revolting conversation on a mobile phone bearing a high volume setting while speaking with a loud and obnoxious voice as he is dining in a restaurant ought to be asked nicely once and only once to either conclude the conversation or continue it in the restroom, and then have his mobile phone shoved down into his colon if he still refuses to show respect for the other customers in the restaurant. Special care should be taken to avoid pressing the end button when politely inserting the mobile phone into the person’s throat; once in the stomach, the mobile phone, with the end button having never been pressed, shall run the fool’s phone bill sky-high long before it is digested. Remember that you are not invading the rude cell phone user’s privacy by asking him to take his conversation elsewhere, but instead it is the cell phone user’s privacy that is invading your public.
5. Failure to catch an elevator in time before the door closes as a result of an inconsiderate moron should be corrected by you calmly taking a flight of stairs up or down any number of floors and pursuing the moron if possible, and then ensuring that the moron has a sudden loss of balance near the top of an up escalator. A perpetual tumbling fall down an up escalator will give the moron plenty of time to realize the error of his ways with the added benefit of newfound politeness being beaten into him with brute force mostly by the rising steps of karma and therefore with little effort on your part.
This list does not include all forms of rudeness and all proper responses to it, but it is a firm guideline for how one should cope with a lack of manners in society these days. It is a tao to ensuring that the Golden Rule truly is lived by and that politeness spreads out of nowhere. In sum, a rude person should be dealt with by a quiet, yet polite bludgeoning upon the head with a blunt object; this is what it means to speak softly and carry a big stick…..
