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The Feeling of Being Wanted/Needed

Warning: Ranting ahead.

Today started off as usual. Woke up, went to law school, survived first class.

After the first class, I asked a group of my classmates where they were going to go eat. They indicated as such and after I switched out my books from my car and went to the subway located at the University Center, returned and met up with them.

There, I asked if I could join them and they kindly said "sure".

Everything was fine until after classes when I came upon a thought that seemed to me to be true. They don't really want or need me, do they?

I came upon this thought when I asked if I could hug one of my classmates for asking a question to the professor that left a large tension in the air, which made me laugh, and she pretty much refused.

When everyone packed their things and left, they all left in their usual groups or circles of friends. That's when it hit me. I don't really have a circle of friends. Hell, I don't think I have friends. I think I only have classmates and that's that.

Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, since I went through the same thing in High School and Undergrad, but at least in high school, since I was able to walk to my house, I would hang out with my friends and duel to our hearts content. Not only that, I'd be invited to join them, I wouldn't have to ask them if I could come.

After I graduated high school, I had left everyone with my phone number so that we could stay in touch and hang out over weekends or something. No one ever called. I would call them once in a while but when I saw that they never wanted to call me, or even text me, I gave up trying.

During undergrad, when my house was now an hour drive instead, I don't think I ever managed to maintain a friendship. The closest friendship I had during that time was being asked to join someone for lunch to hang out but once that semester ended, I lost his number and more than likely he lost mine.

Additionally, I tried joining a fraternity and a club. I would tribute a large portion of my time to the frat and I felt welcomed during that time cause they would always ask me if I was coming to the events and I could always say yes, and I did.

One day, when the frat president was going to graduate, elections came up to see who would be president, vice-president, secretary, treasurer, and officer (officer made sure that each meeting was kept peaceful). On the same day, I ran for officer: lost. Ran for VP: lost. Ran for President: Lost. I never felt more unwanted. In case you're wondering, I never did anything against anyone. But I was upset, during that time, that we had such little member participation and offered different plans to increase activities and membership but no one apparently liked it and even though I was in the frat for two years, some guy who just joined became president instead and that was upsetting so I left the frat and never went back.

Then there's the club that I joined. It was an anime club and I was looking for a club to unwind and maybe start Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters tournaments in the school. I thought it would help if I were to bring my Wii to the meetings so that I would feel a bit wanted and needed from the club. The VP, noticing how much effort I've been putting into the club (e.g. cleaning beaches in the club's name and helping to organize club activity) allowed me to go to MegaCon for free and asked for my assistance in helping to take club members to MegaCon and if I provided the ride, she said the club members would pay for gas. I said "sure, so long as you pay for the gas"

My dad provided the ride and came with us and he brought his girlfriend with him for company while we rode in the back. I brought my Wii to share with the others at night in the hotel room.

This was my first convention in my life, so I was hoping that someone from the club would show me the ropes. Instead, as soon as we got there, everyone dispersed into the convention with their closest friend and I was left to fend for myself. Even though I was surrounded by a large crowd of people, I never felt more alone. I enjoyed the convention as much as I could, but I didn't appreciate the fact that I had to practically chase after my club members just to be with them, especially after all I gave for them.

During that trip, my dad offered to take me to St. Augustine since it was so close and I wanted to go, but my club members refused that I go because one of the members had a final on the next day and wanted to study and be ready for it and I'm just looking at her like "you came to a convention on the weekend you have to study for a final? And now you expect me to give up being with my dad because of your irresponsibility?" It was decided as a club that I wouldn't go. So I didn't. I ended up shedding some tears from the unfairness that my club was putting me in.

Some of the other club members saw that I was depressed and tried to cheer me up by asking how I did in the Duel Monsters tournament, which I lost miserably (I didn't have my DED Lock deck back then), and invited me to a dinner in celebration of one of the member's birthday (WHICH WE HAD TO PAY OURSELVES!) Word of advice: when you "invite" someone to go eat dinner with you, YOU pay the meals.

So, pissed off and beyond annoyed, I returned home with the others and when I asked for the refund of gas the next day, the club refused to pay for the gas ($100 in gas), which was completely opposite of what we agreed to. They argued that since my dad and his girlfriend came along, they should pay for the gas, too. WTF?! He provided the ride for you asses and this is how you thank him?!

In the end, since it was 4 club members in my car, including myself, we each paid my dad $25 and I immediately quit the club. I never felt like such a tool in my life.

So, going back to today, I noticed that everyone was with their groups of friends at the end of class. They were with their same group of friends before class as well and I felt completely left out.

I kept wondering to myself: Doesn't anyone want me or need me?

Usually, when you're in a group of friends, and they talk to you and want you to talk to them, you feel wanted.

I wasn't getting that. I feel ignored most of the time when I'm with the group I hang out in lunch with. I might as well start eating lunch alone again cause at least like that, I can watch some anime or something.

Plus, there was another group of friends, that was also their study group, that would always talk about the cases for the upcoming class and I would always like hearing what they've got to say about the case cause it helps me to further understand the case, so I would always ask if I could sit with them and listen. One day, one of the members, coldly told me "Hey, our study group is full so we can't let you in. You can come in the morning to listen to us, but in the afternoon you can't get involved."

I replied "Wow... I wasn't even wanting to join your group, I just liked talking about the cases and stuff and just hanging out."

After that, I left and never pursued wanting to sit with them again.

The same guy noticed this and came up to me and apologized. "Hey, listen. I'm sorry I sounded like such an a** the other day. It's just that our group really is full so we can't take in any more."

I accepted the apology but still never went back.

So now I wonder, is the group that I sit with during lunch thinking the same thing? Do they want me gone? Do they think I'm annoying for constantly asking to be with them? I would hate to come off as such.

Which then brings me to my final point. Why am I in law school? Just to blend with the economy and make sure I don't financially drown? Is it all for the money? I don't want that. I want to be recognized. I want to be recognized for what I'm doing, for my efforts, for my time and sacrifice. I want to stand out from the crowd, not just be another drop of water in the lake of society.

I envy people that are able to stand out, like celebrities, presidents, or even valedictorians. Hell, even people that graduated Harvard since that gives someone some serious prestige.

Honestly, if I don't have that "hey, good job. Keep up the great work" feedback, whether from a teacher or a peer, then I feel pretty worthless. I also feel pretty worthless if no one needs me or wants me. I don't mean that in the "emo" sense. I mean that as a human. (and don't think "you're family wants you" either. They're suppose to want me. I'm their flesh and blood. It's an instinct to always want your family members.) If I'm just going to be a drop in the river of people, then why be born? Why have to sacrifice for that? What's the point if you can't be unique and stick out?

And now my ranting is over. If there's one thing I learned about psychology in undergrad, it's that it's always good to get things off your chest.