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All My Jazz
Mostly contest entries, my avatars from the past, so on so forth...
Round 3 Entries
_________________________ Round 3: The Love Interest and the In-Law

The ordeal in the forest/ marsh/ swampland/ cave is finally over. Lack of sleep as well as stressful events cause you to flicker out of conscious though as you are approaching a secluded farm plot.-you fade away- -some unknown amount of time passes- You wake to find yourself in the presence of a truly handsome/beautiful being. It is one of those love at first sight situations. Unfortunately, after expressing only a few words of gratitude a vile and malodorous presence comes into your frame of sight. It's the In-Law...

_________________________ The Specifics:

1. Make an avatar of your character's love interest. Must be the opposite gender. If you're against that PM me and we'll chat.
2. Make an avatar of a protective parent. We're looking at a son/mother, daughter/father pair here.
3. Write an interaction of the three characters.The lover should also have some battling skills, and ...maybegoontheadventurewithyouafterthisround

** Dream Free is allowed. But within reason. Legit layering is prefered....
** Entries due Friday, August 21st. Before midnight. I am on the west coast. ;D

-_-_Amlex's-_-_-_TVee's-_-_-_Squash's-_-_-_Snakes'
Character:
L-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_- =00.0
P-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-=00.0
Creativity:
L-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_- =00.0
P-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-=00.0
Cohesiveness:
L-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_- =00.0
P-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-=00.0
Completeness:
S-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_-_-_-_-_0.0-_-_- =00.0

Jamais Changeant=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-_-_Amlex's-_-_-_TVee's-_-_-_Squash's-_-_-_Snakes'
Character:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.5-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_- =33.5
P-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.5-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-=34.5
Creativity:
L-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_- =33.0
P-_-_-_10.0-_-_-_-_-7.5-_-_-_-_-_-_9.3-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-=35.8
Cohesiveness:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_- =33.0
P-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_10.0_-_-_-_-_-_9.5-_-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_-=34.5
Completeness:
S-_-_-_9.5-_-_-_-_-_10.0_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_- =37.5

+2 Awesome backwards avatar that still gives off emotion
+1 for the similar textures and colors between mother and son.
+1 those avatars are just plain beautiful.
+1 well thought-out story

+1 for incorporating the backwards aspect of the parent avatar into the story.

TOTAL: 246.8, 88.1%

Jamais Changeant

User ImageUser Image

Jam awoke to the sound of voices above her head. She felt nauseous and sore. After her encounter with the Célesteleméd she remembered another day of walking then...just as she had seen the edge of the forest, she had blacked out. She didn't know what was beyond that forest or where she was now. All she knew was that the voices above her sounded foreign. Her eyes still closed she tried to focus. As she concentrated she was able to distinguish two voices, a male and a female.

"Don't touch her. She looks filthy and is probably some urchin who was on her way to rob from us." The female voice said in a snobby, high-pitched voice that made Jam want to cover her ears.

"Mother, she's a girl who traveled the forest and passed out. Not everyone is out to get us." His voice was gruff, but gentle. It seemed closer than the woman's, like he was sitting at her side...and it was kinder. "She's not an urchin...though she does look dangerous. Perhaps we should take the dagger she holds at her side?"

Now she felt a movement. He was going for her dagger. Before she could stop herself she felt her hand jet out and grab his wrist. She heard his sharp intake of breath, the pain of her touch. When she was angry she sometimes let her powers get away from her. She released him as her eyes popped open, it was dark out and she could barely see him. She quickly twisted around so that she was crouched in front of him. "Don't touch it." She hissed, stars dancing in front of her eyes and her body threatening to crumple beneath the sudden movement.

"You see! She's some heathen!" The woman's voice rang out in hysterics behind the man. Jam looked up to see her, but the woman turned her back before Jam could see her face. Jam held back an angry growl as she shifted her eyes onto the man who sat calmly in front of her.

Despite her anger she couldn't help but stare at his face. One eye was calm and simply stared back at her, but her eyes focused on the eye he had covered with a monocle. An eyepatch lay underneath it, but it did not cover his other more frightening looking eye. She felt power radiating from it, a power that she longed for without knowing why.

"Calm down. We mean you no harm. We found you at the edge of the forest, passed out. We brought you to our encampment to make sure you were alright. You may leave if you wish." He said in that same subdued tone that he'd used with his mother.

Jam realized that he was trying to calm her in the same way he'd tried to calm his mother. She also noticed his hand on his rapier, he was prepared to fight her if need be. She did not feel the energy to fight, but felt the need to prove herself. Then she remembered what her Mistress had told her; 'if anything will cause your fall it will be your temper'. She had a horrid temper and right now it was directing her every move.

She took a deep breath and relaxed into a sitting position. She laid her hands out before her and nodded. "I'm sorry. As you can imagine, I was simply startled. Please allow me to apologize and to thank you for caring for me." She hated saying these last words. It meant admitting that she had needed caring for and Jam was never the damsel in distress type. She could hear the mother who still stood with her back turned let out a huff.

She forced herself to look the man in the eye and was again caught off guard by that deadly attraction. "I am Jamais, otherwise known as Jam." She said simply, trying to sound as innocent as possible. When she finished she noticed his face finally crack into a smile. It made her knees feel weaker, but she didn't understand why.

"I am Paix," He said as he held her gaze, "and this is my mother, Lady Espoir. We were about to move on in our travels. Actually, my mother was heading back to our castle and I am heading towards the next town to do some business. May I accompany you there?"

Again, Jam heard another huff from the woman, but ignored it. She felt herself smiling as well. It was weird how comfortable she felt, though she thought she must still be delirious from the lack of energy. "Yes, please." She couldn't think of more to say. For once, she was tongue tied.

He nodded and stood. "Good, we can leave in the morning. You ought to get some sleep now." With that he turned to his mother and whispered something that Jam could not hear. Now that she was aware of what was going on again she knew she should follow his advice. As she heard his footsteps fade away she drifted off to sleep.


Last of 9=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

-_-_Amlex's-_-_-_TVee's-_-_-_Squash's-_-_-_Snakes'
Character:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.3-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_- =32.3
P-_-_-_9.5-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.5-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-=36.0
Creativity:
L-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_8.5-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_- =33.5
P-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_10.0_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-=35.0
Cohesiveness:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_8.5-_-_-_-_-_-_10.0_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_- =34.5
P-_-_-_7.5-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.5-_-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_-=32.0
Completeness:
S-_-_-_10.0-_-_-_-_-10.0_-_-_-_-_-_9.8-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_- =36.8

+ 2 Awesome story despite it's length.
+2 for neat additional character 'scenes' don't know what else to call it.

+4 for having a great story, funny expressions, and appealing avatar designs.
+3 You kept me entertained throughout the entire story.
+1: The story is cute, but it seems rushed. The characters are endearing.
TOTAL: 250.1, 89.3%

Last of 9
Round III
The Love Interest and The In-Law
Introducing
The Beautiful Miss Tela & Her Protective Father Goot

          After a long travel through the odd Ripple Forest the young adventurers, Yoy and Kuu, found themselves lost, unable to find the dirt path that was to lead them to the merchant town. Night had quickly fallen and Yoy was running out of energy fast. Outside of the Ripple forest was a long meadow of waist high grass and according to the map back at his town just on the other side of this meadow should be a merchant town, but to their dismay they saw no lights and no end to this forsaken field of grass.

          Before long, with Yoy on his last leg of energy, he spotted a tall figure parting its way through the grass and then another smaller figure following to his side. From this distance he couldn't tell what or who they were. So from his handbook of survival he remembered the best choice of action was to hide until you got further confirmation to whether they were friend or foe. Ducking down him and Kuu hid themselves the best they could. Kuu had the misfortune of dropping his new favorite blade of hollowed grass. With a desperate attempt to find it Kuu mistakenly put his nose right against a lone caterpillar among the earth. The fuzzy thing tickled his nose and he couldn't help but sneeze.

          "WHAT WAS THAT?!" The larger figure instinctively reacted to the sound. "COME OUT YE DEMON! WE MUST SLAY YOU!"

          Kuu and Yoy nervously shook keeping their heads down hoping the figures would pass. Slowly Yoy watched as the grass in front of him was swept aside. "FFFFFFUUUUUUUU! DEMON!"

|User ImageUser Image____________User Image|

          To his shock Yoy saw a crazed large man waving his hands frantically in the air while his charms fluttered. His eyes were large and he seemed to be in as much shock as Yoy.

          Kuu disappeared among his clothing and Yoy fainted but his heart was still beating at an incredible speed.

          "Daddy, look what you did. He's just a boy, and a cute boy at that." She blushed.

          "What?" He looked around and seemed disappointed. "I thought I sensed the demon residue. That meant a demon would be here. Man..." He hit his chest with a rugged manner and then sighed. "Well damn now what are we gonna do with him? Let's just leave him here."

          "DADDY!"

          "Right right... fine I'll keep a look out you make sure he doesn't go having a heart attack or something."

          - - -

          Yoy slowly woke to a beautiful sight. There was this girl with the prettiest eyes he had ever seen and she was so gleeful in her personality. Kuu had even seem to warm up to her cause she was playfully trying to catch his tail as he run around her and up her to her shoulders sniffing her while enjoying the smell of sweet blossoms.

          "Oh you are awake." She said sweetly with a grin. "Your little friend here sure is playful."

          Yoy set up as Kuu jumped from her shoulder to his. "His name is Kuu and I'm Yoy, thanks for helping me." He said blushing.

          "Not a problem," she responded with a wink. "Besides it was my dad's fault you passed out, he scares me with his face every time he wakes me up in the morning." She laughed. "Oh, I'm Tela and my dad over there his name is Goot. We are demon warders and we own a small farm just north of here." She grinned once more.

          "Demon Warders huh?" Yoy had heard of such people but never thought he'd actually meet one. They were in charge of keeping low level demons around the country side from eating all the game and destroying livestock and farming ground, mostly hired by near by villages.

          "Yep, we have to take care of this whole area around the Merchant town." She pointed in its direction. "I bet that's where you are headed huh?"

          "Yeah, I just got a little tired that's all." Yoy scratched his head.

          Tela chuckled. "Its no problem. Hey why don't you come with us to our house where you can rest and get something to eat. Our way of saying sorry." She nodded.

          "TELLLLLLAAAAAA!" Her dad came rushing and paused when he saw Yoy was up. Goot flashed him a disapproving look before speaking. "Its coming, the demon residue I since earlier is bigger its gonna..." They heard a large crash like lightning but there were no clouds in the sky. Within a matter of seconds a large hair demon began to materialize from the ground.

|User Image____________User ImageUser ImageUser Image|

          "Tela keep him busy while I preform the ritual!" Tela nodded and drew her short ninja sword before rushing into face the demon. Her dad, Goot, pulled the drum from his back and then from a slot in the rope pulled out a red drum stick and proceeded to use his charm and the stick to beat a tune on the drum. Tela stood on guard as the demon slashed at her with his large claws. She delfected the blow with her sword and countered. Yoy was in disbelief she had real command over her little ninja blade and she moved with great skill, he was surpized she just did demon warding and wasn't a full blown ninja. Suddenly his mind cleared as he saw the the second claw of the demon extend and pushed Tela off guard onto the ground. Her father shouted as the first claw of the demon came back down to strike her. Yoy lifted his fan and moved it in front of him with a large force of energy that summoned a powerful burst of wind causing the demon to miss Tela allowing her to regain her footing and strike at the demon's heart.

          "Okay dad we are set!" Tela back flipped away from the demon while her sword protruded from its chest. Her father's eyes narrowed and he began to play the drum faster and chant a song. As he struck the final beat the demon burst into a golden light and was gone. Yoy sighed, "That was a relief."

          "Yoy! Thanks for saving me back there." She gave him a hug then kissed him gently on the cheek. Her dad then interrupted. "Hey... Alright then lets head home. I assume you are hungry right?"

          Tela let go of Yoy and blushed. "He always gets like that." She said when her dad was a safe distance away.

          Yoy scratched his head and didn't know what to say, so he changed the subject. "Hey is your dad wearing make up?"

          Tela grinned. "Well no but it looks like it," she stuck out her tongue at her dad. "Its ceremonial face paint designed to make a human look scarier than a demon. My dad's actually a big scare'dy cat."

          Suddenly they heard her dad shout and jump up in the air. "A RAT JUST WENT DOWN MY SHIRT!!!" Kuu popped his head out from Goot's thick mane and chuckled.

          Yoy laughed. "It seems he wanted pay back for frightening him." Tela joined in with loud laughter.


iRiddance=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

-_-_Amlex's-_-_-_TVee's-_-_-_Squash's-_-_-_Snakes'
Character:
L-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_4.0-_-_- =26.0
P-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_-_-_-_-_7.5-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-=27.5
Creativity:
L-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_8.5-_-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_- =27.5
P-_-_-_6.0-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_-=26.0
Cohesiveness:
L-_-_-_7.5-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_4.0-_-_- =28.5
P-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_7.8-_-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_-=30.8
Completeness:
S-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_-_-_-_-_7.5-_-_-_-_-_-_5.0-_-_- =25.5

-1 Doesn't captivate me. Your first entry was amazing. I want that energy back
-3 for having your story look so lacking compared to the others... it doesn't look like the effort was put into the writing portion. and there was barely any interaction at all between characters...
-2 Neither the story nor the avatars wowed me.
-4: Everything is unexciting and so much is left unexplained. I would have liked to see some actual dialogue.

TOTAL: 181.8, 68.5%

iRiddance
User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show. User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.

Nadine woke up with a shadow hovering over her. As her sight cleared up, the shadow gained a pair of piercing purple eyes. The shadow began to take a more visible form and introduced himself as Abel. He had apparently been following her ever since she returned and had taken her to his humble abode. As an assassin, it was easy for him to keep up with her, watching in stealth, from the shadows. He had been attracted by her powerful aura and now she was beginning to enjoy his chill demeanor.

The door then burst open, and a woman entered. By appearance alone, her haughty attitude was evident. She carried a scent influenced so heavily by perfume that it became an odor and she had the same, fierce purple eyes that she used to stare down the young magician. She demanded that her son return home, which garnered little response from Abel. The whole time, she pretended not to notice Nadine, yet snuck in every opportunity to glare at the mage when she was not looking. Nadine could feel her painful eyes and did not like this awkward tension. Her tirade continued, asking Abel why he left the aristocracy for a life of squalor.

With not even a word of response, the woman turned and stormed out the door, her glass slippers causing a small cacophony and her musk following outside.

Nadine had survived her first encounter with that old hag. But with a wonderful companion and powerful, experienced ally like Abel, she considered the trouble worth it.


Marwolfer=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

-_-_Amlex's-_-_-_TVee's-_-_-_Squash's-_-_-_Snakes'
Character:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.8-_-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_- =31.8
P-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_10.0_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-=35.0
Creativity:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_10.0--_-_-_-_-_7.5-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_- =33.5
P-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_10.0_-_-_-_-_-_7.8-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-=33.8
Cohesiveness:
L-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_9.5-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_- =34.5
P-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_9.5-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-=33.5
Completeness:
S-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.5-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_- =32.5

+0 solid entry, it looks like it could have worked for last round though...
+0 nothing to say, it's one of my favorites though.
+1 I saw a mono, is this critical allowed? XD (yes it is)
+0: The avatars and story are very well done, but I felt like the lover could have had more of the spotlight.

TOTAL: 235.6, 84.1%

Marwolfer
User ImageUser Image

When Marwolfer awoke, the first thing she noticed was a sort of soft purring all around her. It was strange and unusual, but it never crossed her mind to be alarmed (though, of course, you or I would have been because we live in a world of big vicious cats like tigers, lions, and cougars). She opened her eyes to see the dappled light of the forest marred by the darker forms of shadowy figures. She sat up all the way and surveyed the clearing around her. What she saw once her eyes adjusted made her gasp in joy and adulation. She was surrounded by enormous humanoid people with fur, cat ears, and cat tails. Marwolfer immediately rolled over onto her stomach in a deep obedient bow.

The people of Marwolfer's world were ruled by cat gods and goddesses. They worshiped them much in the same vain that our Egyptians worshiped their felines. Each deity was different, though all were born of the same mother, just like a regular litter of kittens. There was a bit of strange mewing and yowling in that cat language any feline lover would recognize but never fully comprehend, before a stern female voice spoke up.

Enough, my children. Human. Stand up now. Marwolfer stood, stealing glances at the assembly of divine beings. She recognized most from her childhood lessons: Akana, the goddess of ships and seatravel; Anhur, god of the sky; Ekibe, goddess of fertility and femininity; Ahmos, god of the moon; Harere, goddess of flora; Kiya, goddess of joy and happiness; Ako, god of sorrow and depression; and Paki, god of justice, just to name a few. Marwolfer turned in the direction of the voice and saw two of the three most powerful deities of all: Hatshepsut, the mother goddess of all creation with her trademark star of light shining brightly on her forehead, and her first born son, Azizi who was the god of war. Marwolfer hung her head as she felt her face redden. Somewhere in the back of her mind she wondered where Chike was, as he was the father god of destruction, but it was overshadowed by the fact that Marwolfer felt incredibly flustered being near Azizi. He'd been the one person she'd always held an infatuation with ever since she was a child, and the real thing was much handsomer and much fiercer than she'd ever imagined.

Well, well, Hashepsut intoned, moving forward as she inspected Marwolfer, her bushy tail swishing over the undergrowth. I have never once questioned the Gaaraan in their choices to influence destiny, but I must say that they have really mucked things up. You're so... PUNY. Several of the cats made low growling sounds that Marwolfer took for chuckling. Indeed, some were grinning, but a few were regarding their mother goddess stonily. Azizi hissed loudly and stepped forward.

Even you are bound to the laws of the universe, he reminded his mother. Marwolfer noted how deep his voice was with a flutter of her heart. However, her fear and curiosity kept her motionless. You know better than anyone not to know a book by its cover. She is obviously an enchantress, which means that she could be concealing a great well of unknown power.

Marwolfer felt a small surge of power and trepidation at the same time. She blushed a little and her breathing quickened as Azizi moved to stand behind her. When he laid his hand on her shoulder, she nearly collapsed from pleasure. However, her jelly knees were turned to stone when she saw the death glare that Hatshepsut was giving her.

Well, I guess I am outnumbered here. If the great god of war chooses to stand behind this whelp with the Gaaraan, I have no choice. Hatshepsut put her nose right in front of Marwolfer's face so that all she could see was the mother goddess's cat eyes and the blinding white light of the star. From this day forth you shall be known as the savior Shani. In our language it means Wonderful and is a name that has been ordained by prophecy. Go forth and save this realm... if you can.

Then the light became blinding, so Marwolfer shut her eyes. When she opened them, she saw that she was alone in the clearing with Azizi. His tail twitched as the spots on his exposed skin glittered darkly in the shadows. He chuckled when he noticed the hitch in her breath and threw his arm around her shoulder.

Don't worry, Shani. I'm not as horrible as all those myths make out.

Shani nodded breathlessly and took a calming breath to clear her head. She'd just have to get used to his beauty.

So. Shall we off? he asked with a grin, motioning westward.


Kuyusi=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

-_-_Amlex's-_-_-_TVee's-_-_-_Squash's-_-_-_Snakes'
Character:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_10.0_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_- =35.0
P-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.3-_-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_-=32.3
Creativity:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.5-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_- =32.5
P-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-=35.0
Cohesiveness:
L-_-_-_7.5-_-_-_-_-_8.5-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_- =32.0
P-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.8-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-=34.8
Completeness:
S-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_10.0_-_-_-_-_-_9.3-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_- =35.3

+1 colour scheme of the mother is awesome.
+3 for wonderful story and dialogue. made me want to read more.
+1 tl;dr really helped, even though I read the entire story.
+2: I would have liked to see more interaction from the mother, but you really seem to understand your story and know your characters. Plus, I like them long. wink

TOTAL: 243.9, 87.1 %

Kuyusi
User Image User Image

(sorry it's so long, there was just so much to get in. I've included a 'too long; didn't read' for the judge's leisure.)
TL;DR-
Adelaide gets plucked from a river by a long-haired rustic looking man by the name of Alistair. On the trip back to his mother's estate, he explains how his mother managed to support him after the sudden loss of his father, and how she has now become a product of her own scraping social climbing.
They arrive at the estate, and on their way to finding Adelaide some dry clothes, Alistair's mother calls him in. In her drugged state, she takes one look at Adelaide and loses her senses. With terror-filled eyes, she bids them to leave her.




Adelaide awoke soaking wet, surrounded by curtains of hair with an obscured face eclipsing the sun. She blinked and shielded her eyes from the glare in an attempt to make out her savior. Propping herself on one elbow, she looked around in confusion.

A soft voice rang out, "Welcome back to the waking world, I was afraid we'd be losing you!"

The voice came from a young man who couldn't be past twenty, dressed in earth tones with a head of hair like Adelaide had never seen before. He deftly rose to his feet and said with a smile, "When I found you floating down the river, I couldn't help but fish you out. You're a mite larger than anything I've caught before, and I'll admit, I had to jump in after you! Do you...do you feel all right?"

Adelaide rubbed her head, and rose with him. "I feel dizzy and...strange..." To be honest, she wasn't sure whether it was her near-drowning, or his presence that caused her head to swim.
He reached out for her hand and said, "Well, we'd best get you warmed up and into something dry. Follow me."

She followed him in a daze, over rolling hills surrounded by fog. She had no concept of where she was, and wondered as she tramped through soggy brush how far she'd drifted before this strange man had fished her out. He broke her train of thought as he chimed back at her, "My name is Alistair, by the way. We're headed back to my mother's estate."

"Estate?" Adelaide asked in confusion. "I don't mean to be rude, I just...well, your clothing, and being out on the river and all, isn't that strange, for a noble?"

Alistair looked off towards the looming estate and muttered, "My mother is...well, we're certainly not noble. When my father was killed she did what she could to keep the two of us alive and she...she was very successful. But now, I don't even know her anymore. I'm not sure I ever did. She's trying now to bring me into 'her world', but I cannot bear to sever my heart from the old ways. And so I spend most of my time miles from the estate, studying under tutors who have not forgotten. The Vachemaine."

Adelaide stared at Alistair's back, as she followed his steps. He didn't elaborate, and as such, she held her tongue. As they quietly passed through the monolithic front doors, Alistair turned to her and held a finger to his lips. From the main hall, Adelaide could see through an open door a long, languishing woman draped over a golden chaise, smoke surrounding her, and streaming from her nostrils.

Her head swiveled towards the hall and she caught the tail end of Alistair's coat.

"Alistair?"

He cringed, and bid Adelaide to stay still.

"Yes, mother?"

She croaked, "Alistair, where have you been? What ARE you wearing? Come to me boy, let me see you." He looked to Adelaide, and took a step toward the room. He said, "Mother, I have...I have someone that needs attending, I will be in in a moment."

Wide-eyed and furious, she staggered to her feet, and shambled out of the room. "SOMEONE? Who is this someone? A guttersnipe you picked up on those filthy moors? One of your cow friends you insist on--"

Her eyes locked with Adelaide's, and something in the girl's piercing gaze stopped her cold in her tracks.

"What...ARE you?" Alistair's mother asked as she stepped backwards into the plush carpet of her personal opium den. She reached for her pipe and called for her attendant as she collapsed backwards. "No...no...AWAY. Do what you must with her boy, but take that THING away from me!"

Alistair looked back to Adelaide, bewildered. He took her hand and led her up the stairs as he apologized, "She has an addiction. In her daze, there is no telling what she might see. Please, take no offense."

Adelaide could only follow silently, and wonder if his mother had seen what seethed beneath her soft exterior; if she had truly seen into her soul.


A_Homeless_Nobody=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

-_-_Amlex's-_-_-_TVee's-_-_-_Squash's-_-_-_Snakes'
Character:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_7.5-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_- =31.5
P-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_7.8-_-_-_-_-_-_5.0-_-_-=28.8
Creativity:
L-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_- =32.0
P-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_10.0_-_-_-_-_-_9.5-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-=34.5
Cohesiveness:
L-_-_-_6.0-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_- =34.0
P-_-_-_6.0-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-=28.0
Completeness:
S-_-_-_8.5-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_-_6.0-_-_- =32.5

-1 The avatars look a little bit messy to me. Too many shades and colours competing.
-1 for cluttering up the face of the father so badly...
+1 Loved the weird item choices.
-1: The story seemed messy in places, and I barely caught any of the father's character except that he is unforgiving.

TOTAL: 219.3, 78.3%

A_Homeless_Nobody
User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show. User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.
Lover (Ominotago) ------------- Father (Chahta)


A flute gently sounded a slow mysterious melody, odd but beautiful. The tune caressed Hono's ears and seemed to pull him out of his state of unconsciousness. He tried to remember what happened but the pounding pain in his head prevented him from thinking clearly. He grappled with it for a few moments but then gave up, losing himself to the flute. The sound seemed to dull the pain and he listened not daring to open his eyes, scared that the sound would disappear if he returned to reality.

As the final note of the song lingered in the air Hono opened his eyes slowly. He heard a voice call for it's father and he looked around. sitting on the ground next to him was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was mysterious like the song, but he was stricken by her pleasant aura. She noticed he was awake and she gazed into his eyes, searching his soul.

The pain returned and he shut his eyes. A grunt escaped from his chest and he ground his teeth together squirming uncomfortably. She placed a hand on his chest applying a force to hold him down, the contact with his bare chest gave him goosebumps. "Do not move, It will only cause further suffering." Her voice was like silk, smooth and flowing. It seemed to refresh him and he forced his body to lie still.

He opened his eyes to look, and found two green spheres looking right back. "Thank you..." He said in a small voice that surprised him by how weak it sounded. He grinned slightly, then winced at a tremor of pain. When he reopened his eyes he saw that she was also smiling gently.

He heard footsteps coming towards them, he broke the link between their eyes and surveyed his surroundings for the first time. He was in a tent like contraption, with walls and roof made from tanned beast hide. He was lying on the top of a mat of some leafy texture with nothing on. As he realized his nudity and his face began to flush, a flap in the tent opened and an aging man entered.

"Ominotago, my daughter, why have you called for me?" The man walked into the room and stopped in front of Hono's feet. "Father! This outsider was found and I believe he was cursed by one of the Corlaith. I would ask that you allow me to perform my ritual." Her father grunted "You would waste yourself on this outsider? You disappoint me my daughter" Hono had used this lack of attention to use a few strategically placed leaves to cover himself. "Father... He is from the Iaido clan." She said holding up Hono's headband.

The vigor that the man had seemed to fade, the blood appeared to drain from his face and he became very pale under his tattoos. "I... The lone survivor? How!? My men must have failed me. I have no business here, I have learned from my errors. Do as you will daughter. I give you my blessing to perform the ritual. Know that I will never be able to forgive if you do." The man looked at Hono's face, frowned and then walked quickly from the room.

Something thudded against Hono's skull, and he was knocked into a world of darkness. As he came too he realized that the pain in his head had ceased. He opened his eyes and found that there was no one in the room. He looked himself over and noticed markings all over his body. He heard a flute playing outside, he found his clothes put them on, and then exited the tent in a search for the flute.

Ominotago, was sitting on a log outside playing her flute gently. As Hono exited she stopped and smiled at him motioning for him to come to her. "I have cleansed you of your burden. I ask that you allow me to travel with you, to keep you out of trouble. Hono's heart leaped with joy. "It would be an honor, what's your name?" He said a little embarrased "I didn't quite catch it back there." he motioned to the tent.

"My name is Ominotago, Hono. And I am the daughter of Chahta, chieftan of the Kadohadacho. I am also a songweaver, so you need not worry about my safety." Hono grinned "Glad to have another along for this crazy ride. Lets get going then." Omi got up and looked at Hono "where are we going?" Hono flushed "I'm, uh, not really sure." Ino stood silently starring at Hono and then began to chuckle.


Quiet Judgments=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

-_-_Amlex's-_-_-_TVee's-_-_-_Squash's-_-_-_Snakes'
Character:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.8-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_- =33.8
P-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_10.0_-_-_-_-_-_8.3-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-=34.3
Creativity:
L-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_- =33.0
P-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_9.5-_-_-_-_-_-_8.3-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_-=33.8
Cohesiveness:
L-_-_-_8.5-_-_-_-_-_7.5-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_- =33.0
P-_-_-_8.5-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.3-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-=32.8
Completeness:
S-_-_-_9.0-_-_-_-_-_7.0-_-_-_-_-_-_8.0-_-_-_-_-_-_9.0-_-_- =33.0

+2 For creating a new character that was hilarious and well thought out
-2 For the story being so difficult to read.

-2 for not using the enter key... the story was good, but frustrating to read because of those huuuuge paragraphs.
-1 Try breaking up the story and making it easier to read...
+4: I love the characters and the clever twist you've added to your story with the second man. xD Just...no more green text please? It was so hard to read! D:

TOTAL: 234.7, 83.8%

Quiet Judgments
I was here...

User Image
Mondo/Jude/Ti/Taki

Jude was still groggy from waking up in this unknown forest area. “Whoa what had happened to me?” he asked as he tried to observe his surroundings. He looked around, but Ailuna and Barthanious were nowhere to be found. He secretly was glad; their obsessive bickering was getting on his last nerve. He didn’t think he was any longer in the hot arid area of the third circle. This area was soothing like all the circle’s elements connected here. Peace and tranquility surrounded where he was standing. A gentle breeze swept through the forest grazing his neck with a soft subtle touch. It seemed like it was guiding him towards an area unbeknownst to him. Soon he came upon a small little village full with people from all aspects of Hades. But only one caught his eye, she was the most beautiful girl he had laid eyes upon. She was dark skin with bright violet eyes, the clothes she wore looked like they were forever in motion. She held an orb in front of her gazing deeply into crystal sphere. She then lowered the orb and looked straight at him. So caught off guard, he tripped on a goat a fell straight into a feeding trough. Wiping the food and muck off of his face he saw the girl giggling and walking towards him. She never left his gaze, with orb in hand it glowed and water shot out of it like a geyser, drench Jude to the bone. A warm breeze then surrounded him drying him off instantly. He looked at her and smiled awkwardly “Thanks.” She smiled and walked off, she stopped at what seemed to be a blacksmith’s shop, looked back once at him and then entered. Jude instantly followed, knocking on the door of the blacksmith shop, instead of being greeted by a beautiful girl he was greeted by a huge burly looking man. “Wha‘ill be, runt?” Jude stepped back “I was wondering if you could help me.” “Sure kid, wha’ kind’o help ya be needin’?” he said forcefully. “I was wondering if you could tell me where I am exactly, I was at the fire lord’s manner receiving lessons when a huge flash came and I was somehow whisked here.”
The man looked at him with his deep amber eyes, “Tha’some story ya got therr, maybe mah da’ter can help ya out.” With that he let Jude enter his home. “By th’way kid, wha’s yur name?” the big man asked. Jude replied by telling his name and then explaining what he was doing out here. They reached the dinning quarters, where a beautiful you lady was resting gazing into her crystal ball. “Ti, I have sumone for ya to meet.” Ti broke her stare to look at the big man and Jude whom was right next to him. “Hello” she said with a voice a pure as newly cleaned diamond as smooth a readied silk, “a pleasure to meet you…” “Jude, Jude Ments” “Ti Uqi and that man next to you is my father Mondo Uqi” Jude bowed slightly to show respect to the both “Thank you for letting me into your home Mondo, and you Ti for helping me out earlier.” Ti smiled but Mondo looked a bit confused “Yuve met?” Jude shook his head and smiled “Not formally, just by passing… anyway Ti I was wond―” “Ti darling, I’ve come for you!!!!” By a look of irritation by Ti and a gruff groan by Mondo, whoever this person was, he was surely not welcomed. “Do ya want me to tak’are of him?” Mondo asked with a hand on his huge blacksmith ax. “No father, let him in.” she said with a grin “I think you both may be surprised to find out what I have planned. You as well Jude.” She looked at him with her violet eyes and smiled cutely. Mondo left to fetch the man who was interrupted their conversation. “Hey hey, unhand me you giant gorilla, I am to look my best in the presence of your daughter,” the man said as he was pushed into the room with the others. Jude and Ti looked at him with no emotion, Mondo stood at the doorway. Ti then spoke “What is it you want Taki? Here with more dreams of us traveling together and lies that you’ll take me on an adventure better than any other mage had been on?” Taki looked hurt, “No my love, I have to tell no lie, I am here to take you on an real adventure to venture the twelve circles not just stay stuck in this mix bred hole of a village. Um who is this fellow anyway?” he asked looking suspiciously at Jude. “This man is my ticket out of here; I am going with him to assist him on his adventure. The spirits have told me that I must follow the one who steals my heart. And Jude has done just the thing.” Jude, Taki and Mondo looked at her with their mouth hanging wide open. Mondo was first to speak “Ya have duties ta thi’town ya can’t jus’ leave! “ “And what is this outrageous lie about him taking your heart? He doesn’t even look as good as I do” Taki chided in. Jude stayed quiet while the three of them argued over her decision. Jude then cleared his throat “I wouldn’t mind some company and if you’ll feel better Mondo, Taki can join us just to make sure nothing bad happens.” Mondo and Taki whispered among themselves while Ti looked at Jude with resentment and anger. “Then tha’ does it, Taki and Ti will join ya on yur mission. Make sure ya take care o’em since it’s their first one. And it won’t be bad if ya go’ta the library for info tha’ill be helpful.” Taki and Ti looked at Jude one with fury the other with sadness. Ti looked at Jude and whispered “You really had to invite him?” Jude smiled and nodded “You know as well as me that that was the only way you were leaving with a complete stranger.” She gave a quick smile and went and gathered her belongings. Taki with a grunt trudged out of the shop to his home to do the same. Jude sighed “This might be a looong journey.”

Then life took me away...





 
 
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