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You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.
I hate christmas.
No, I'm serious.
I hate christmas.
Much for the same reasons I hate valentines day. Look at the basics of the holiday. Okay, so we've got the obvious christian influences, birth of jesus, three giftbearing wise dudes, all that. Then, we've got the more "public" version with santa and the reindeer. The season is, supposedly, about peace, and giving, and warmth and love. About chestnuts on open fires, pretty decorations, singing christmas carols, and generally being good to each other.
What do we do with all that snuggly goodness? Market the everlasting ******** out of it. Make it a consumerist season. Shove presents and wishlists down the throats of the masses. Sell cheap, shoddy decorations that are more likely to burn your house down than provide any seasonal cheer. Constantly fill the airwaves with the same 6 ******** songs, sung by 400 different bands over and over and over and over until I just want to ******** kill somone. I will deck the halls with the heads of carolers.
Push sentimental, soppy crap onto telivision with the inevitable christmas miracle, performed, of all people, by Ernest. Remember, he also saved halloween, the man is a goddamn hero. stare Charlie brown has his little pathetic tree suddenly turn lush and full with the application of decorations. The oxygen network, the hallmark network get even sappier with tales of human redemption, and cheerful family hugs.
These images do not inspire warm feelings when your mother is screaming that "she'll decorate the ******** tree, because nobody else can do it right". When your sister is asking for a diamond bracelet from cartier, and a satin bathrobe from macy's. When dad falls off the ladder while hanging the lights and spends christmas with a donut on his seat. When the eggnog is so alcoholic, you could strip paint off a car.
My holiday cheer goes right out the window when a woman leading 14 screaming children towards the toy section of target runs a shopping cart into my lower spine, and then yells "Excuse me!" When another holiday shopper, SUV loaded with packages, almost sideswipes me, after tailgaiting me for 10 miles, on snow and ICE covered roads. She also managed to give me the finger. Now that's some driving skill.. When I've seen mothers on television smacking their flabby pale heads together to get that last, sought after, tickle me in my naughty bits elmo.
When "this years hottest gift" costs over 200$. It's a marketing wet dream, the christmas season. Watch the movie "jingle all the way". yes, I know, it's bad. very, very bad. However, watch it. The whole movie is about marketing and consumerism and rampant hallmark redemption bullshit. "Oh, in the end he gave it away". So ******** what? the wife is ready to leave him over a ******** DOLL. The child grows up to hate his father because he couldn't have a toy. The neighbor is trying to seduce his wife. Here's the sad bit. Those are the most realistic parts of the ******** movie!
Christmas is supposed to be about love, compassion, and generosity. Instead, it's competitive, consumerist, violent, angry, stupid crap. So hang your stockings by the chimney with care. Jingle those bells. Deck the halls. Empty your savings for the hottest gift of the season, and maul another person to get it. Get everyones christmas list, and look happy when you unwrap those goddamn tube socks after getting them a TV. Ignore the dangferous road conditions as you speed home in your 4 wheel drive vehicle. Forget the fact that 4 wheel drive does ******** when the road is entirely covered in ice because you will eventually have to STOP, or maybe turn. Try not to think about the red cross santa with a Marlboro stuck in his beard, ringing that damn bell.
And, above all, don't even bother thinking about the fact that for one day a year, we're supposed to try and make everything warm, bright, caring and full of love, and we can't even manage to pull it off, and we just wear more red and white as we ******** each other over, just like every other day of the year.
And seriously, let's get some new ******** christmas carols. I've heard every goddamn carol, ever. They all suck, except the one I've printed below.
Bah humbug, and merry ******** christmas.
"Merry ********' Christmas" - Denis Leary
Old Saint Nick's got Bourbon breath
It's so cold you could catch your death
A cop sold me some crystal meth
It's a merry ********' Christmas
Everything's so Criss-muss-ee
The streets are twinkling with frozen pee
My priest just sat on Santa's knee
It's a merry ********' Christmas
All the kids go to bed each night
To dream what Santa brings 'em
Unless they're Jewish or Muslim
Or some other gyp religion
Crappy toys flyin' off the shelves
Midgets dressed up to look like elves
Spread good cheer or burn in Hell
It's a merry ********' Christmas
Cracklin' fires to keep me warm
And my collection of Asian porn
Cradle my bells and work my horn
It's a keep-on-truckin'
Last-year-suckin'
Midget-chuckin'
Slap-the-puckin'
How-much-wood-could-a-woodchuck-chuckin'
Merrrry fuuuuckin' Christmaaaaaas
 Twistex · Sun Dec 04, 2005 @ 10:42pm · 5 Comments |
