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You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so ******** far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
One night, while reading a joke list of "Rules of the road" with my old co-workers at IBM, we started sharing stories of bad drivers, and things we'd seen while driving. With much laughter, and much typing and rewriting... This list was born, and then grew to gargantuan proportions.
So, with much ado, fanfare, and the blowing of horns... I present to you:
TWISTS NEW RULES OF THE ROAD!
#1: The lines are your friend. Stay within the lines.
#2: If you're in a lane, STAY in the lane. If you're changing lanes, get the ******** OUT of the lane. The center line is NOT a lane. Even while turning.
#3: Your horn is designed as a notification device. Sometimes, it's to notify other drivers that you are, indeed, a jackass.
#4: The "GTI" badge on your car does not mean "I'm the fastest thing on the road." It means "I'm easily fooled by car dealers."
#5: Your "Prius" badge on your car does not mean "I'm the most earth-friendly driver here!" it means "I'm the slowest car you'll see today."
#6: Your "CRV" badge means "I'm going to drive like an idiot".
#7: NEVER try and drag race in a Geo. It's just pathetic.
#8: Giant muffler tips do not add 50 horsepower. Neither do those type-r stickers.
They are merely warning signs, indicating that you think fast is ~45 mph.
#9: If a cop is tailgaiting you, do not speed up. It's a trap!
#10: Yes, the road curves. No, you do not always have to slam on the brakes when encountering these so-called "Turns".
#11: If there are pedestrians in the crosswalk, people will wait for them. Honking your horn will not make people run them over.
#12: Bicycles in the bicycle lane do not require 30 feet of space on either side. If they are that unbalanced, they deserve to die. Stay in your goddamn lane when passing bicyclists.
#13: If you don't know what a "boost controller" is, don't claim you have one.
#14: Cars don't need names. Names are for boats, and Bombers circa 1942.
#15: The drivers lap is a pet-free zone.
#16: The roof of the car is a baby-free zone.
#17: Hand signals and honking are not a clear form of communication. You look like you're having a seizure.
#18: Yes, wet roads can be slick. This does not mean it's time for hazard lights and final calls to loved ones while clutching the wheel in white-knuckle terror.
#19: Cell phones are not for use while driving. If you *absolutely must* use a phone while driving, remember which is more likely to kill you. The person on the phone, or the car. Pay attention the the one most likely to end with you burning to death.
#20: Turn arrows are green, too. Pay attention to SHAPES as well as colors.
#21: Tailgating doesn't make people go faster. It makes people slam on their brakes.
#22: In-car DVD players were invented by Donor boards. They want your organs.
#23: On that note, Emergency Rooms call motorcycle riders "Donors". Yes, you can go fast. You can also die fast.
#24: Merge lanes end rather quickly. Let people in, rather then try and get them to go into the ditch. That's just mean.
#25: If you're in a merge lane, move your a** to MERGING SPEED. You cannot merge at 30mph.
#26: It's a Honda Civic. We're not impressed.
#27: Acura, yeah, that's still a Honda.
#28: Yes, everyone does laugh at your Saturn.
#29: A wing does not make your car go faster. Especially if it's made out of plywood.
#30: Bodykits? See #29.
#31: Hood scoops? See #29.
#32: Thou shalt not put running boards on station wagons.
#33: Animal horns are not valid hood ornaments, unless in Texas. Even then, they're dubious.
#34: Also in Texas, the streetlights are sideways. Green still means the same thing.
#35: A rusted, collapsed exhaust does not count as an "Open downpipe."
#36: If your 4 cylinder sounds like an 8 cylinder, it's time to go to the mechanic.
#37: Adding a gigantic speaker system does not make your car faster. Exactly the opposite.
#38: Bald tires are not "Racing slicks."
#39: Installation hardware should never be purchased from Home Depot.
#40: Your paintjob should not come in a rattlecan. Or contain housepaint.
#41: Duct Tape and Bailing wire do not count as "mods".
#42: If you are propositioned to buy or sell drugs at stoplights, get a new car.
#43: This is not Las Vegas. Keep neon lights to a minimum.
#44: If you drive 2 kids to school and get groceries, you have no need for an SUV. Unless your kids go to school in the jungles of dark Africa.
#45: If the height of your offroading consists of a curb check, you do not need lifters on your SUV or Jeep.
#46: Low-profile racing tires are not for use in snow.
#47: All wheel drive on ice means all wheel slip.
#48: Just because it's a Subaru doesn't mean you won't end up in a ditch if you drive like a fool.
#49: If you've seen one accident, you've seen them all. They do not warrant further inspection.
#50: Just because your car model was in an episode of Initial D doesn't mean you can drift.
#51: Yes, a Miata is a chick car. Get over it.
#52: So is a VW beetle.
#53: Power to Weight ratio does not mean "The bigger my car, the bigger my p***s."
#54: The more bumper stickers, the lower the IQ.
#55: Sometimes turn signals have to be turned off manually.
#56: The H2? Yeah, it's a Chevy Tahoe.
#57: "Boxster - Because you couldn't afford a real one."
#58: "Escalade - I'm compensating for male pattern baldness, or something much smaller.."
#59: If your rims are worth more than your car, sell the rims and buy a better car.
#60: The train *ALWAYS* wins.
Hope that was worth a laugh or two.
Any I missed? Drop me a note and let me know.
 Twistex · Fri Jan 04, 2008 @ 11:02pm · 4 Comments |
