I found out something about myself last night that I don't think I really wanted to know...
When something really bad happens, like a tragedy or just something completely freaky, I don't even react at first...or at least, I don't scream or jump like other people would. My mind just goes kind of blank, and then I don't seem to really understand it all until later...it's just all so ******** up.
A few years ago my dog died, and I found out because he had been missing. It hadn't really been a weird thing for my dog to go missing as he ran away all the time, and would come back, yadda yadda...However, we have a highway right behind our house, and he was hit by a truck trying to cross the road.
My parents and brother just stood there crying and hugging each other, and I just stood apart, kind of...blank. It wasn't until after everyone else had gone away and I looked at some pictures of him that I started to cry, realizing that he was gone.
In the same year my cousin died while on a motorcycle- he was also hit by a truck, during a storm. We were given a call, and again, my parents and brother cried and cried- and again, I just sort of stood there, and didn't completely react until everyone was gone.
Last night, my brother accidentally set off the empty shell of a gun in our house, right behind me. I didn't know the difference between it having been loaded or having an empty shell, being completely ignorant of such things, and the sound it set off made me think it had been an actual bullet inside. My mother was hysterical, screaming at the top of her lungs, and my brother was just shaking all over- my dad wasn't there. And I just stood there, watching while she shrieked at him...
Then I left the room, went upstairs, and just started crying. I guess at some point I realized that had it not been an empty bullet, one of us could have been shot- the whole house smells like sulfur right now, and I still have a ringing in my ears.
I don't understand why I react to things like this, and it's just...odd. I can talk with other people openly about things that have happened, but not to the people I was with. I don't want to talk about any of those things with my family because it makes me uncomfortable, but I feel perfectly at ease saying this to my friends...
. . .********]
When something really bad happens, like a tragedy or just something completely freaky, I don't even react at first...or at least, I don't scream or jump like other people would. My mind just goes kind of blank, and then I don't seem to really understand it all until later...it's just all so ******** up.
A few years ago my dog died, and I found out because he had been missing. It hadn't really been a weird thing for my dog to go missing as he ran away all the time, and would come back, yadda yadda...However, we have a highway right behind our house, and he was hit by a truck trying to cross the road.
My parents and brother just stood there crying and hugging each other, and I just stood apart, kind of...blank. It wasn't until after everyone else had gone away and I looked at some pictures of him that I started to cry, realizing that he was gone.
In the same year my cousin died while on a motorcycle- he was also hit by a truck, during a storm. We were given a call, and again, my parents and brother cried and cried- and again, I just sort of stood there, and didn't completely react until everyone was gone.
Last night, my brother accidentally set off the empty shell of a gun in our house, right behind me. I didn't know the difference between it having been loaded or having an empty shell, being completely ignorant of such things, and the sound it set off made me think it had been an actual bullet inside. My mother was hysterical, screaming at the top of her lungs, and my brother was just shaking all over- my dad wasn't there. And I just stood there, watching while she shrieked at him...
Then I left the room, went upstairs, and just started crying. I guess at some point I realized that had it not been an empty bullet, one of us could have been shot- the whole house smells like sulfur right now, and I still have a ringing in my ears.
I don't understand why I react to things like this, and it's just...odd. I can talk with other people openly about things that have happened, but not to the people I was with. I don't want to talk about any of those things with my family because it makes me uncomfortable, but I feel perfectly at ease saying this to my friends...
. . .********]
Community Member
I cant, its just something I cannot ever bring myself to do. I cant cry, I cant show sorrow or anything other than the fake happiness I wear and the hatred in my heart. The things I've seen makes me gag inside, but i show nothing, as though i dont think about it or care.
I feel for you, truely I do, and so you know, I will listen to anything you have to say if you need to say it.