Have I begun annoying people lately with my attitude? Am I being far too emotional? Am I being too hyper at times? Please...if any of you are reading this...please tell me. I'm starting to wonder about myself.
I'm finding myself sitting here in front of the computer...or lying in bed, sitting on the couch...anything other than what 'normal' teenagers my age do, and doing completely nothing. I have no life and I'm not going to deny the fact that I've noticed a drift in my friendship with two of my closest buddies... While I hang around others to make myself feel needed or wanted...
I realized that I'm not a very interesting person and that I'm quite lacking when it comes to social news, be it school or just plain life... I make myself look stupid without meaning to. And more often than I like people make fun of me for such. I know I seem to laugh it off at times...but I want you all to know that I'm honestly hurt by your comments...
None of you can understand how my mind works and processes things. I try as hard as I can not to show you my anger, not to let you know that your words upset me but I know I'm not quite good at this. I'm not a strong person, mentally, emotionally, or physically...
I'm not a very intelectually smart person. My grades are not the best, my brian is not the greatest and neither are my looks. My fashion sense isn't the best either, wearing the same pair of pants twice in a week. Always struggling to find a shirt to match and realizing nothing ever looks right on me...
Anything I once thought I was good at I now know mean nothing. I'm noticing a rift growing within every aspect of my life... My grip's loosening on my friends, my eyes are shutting to the light, and my heart is clentching and twisting with emotions I don't know how to control... I thought there was a bond strengthening within my family but I've come to terms that I'm just imagining things.
As much as I would like to deny it I'm constantly annoying them, upsetting them and pestering them. I ask for things I don't need. I talk about things that I know they'd rather not hear...and I just...don't seem to fit in with any of this...
As I sit here, tears flowing from my eyes I wonder...why the hell am I typing this, why the hell am I exposing my idiotic emotions and thoughts to people I can hurt? ...I guess I just don't know how to control myself. I'm just stupid like that.
...I honestly just want things to stop. For time to rewind itself. For me to relive mylife, do things differently. To keep myself from turning into this pathetic being who sectretly thrives for attention...but is afraid to recieve it...
...Sometimes I just wish I was never brought into this world. Wishing that my soul had remainded within the corridors of an unknown place; that someone else had taken this body as a vessel. They would have been a better person than I will ever be...
....I sigh at my thoughts quite often, and I realize...I'm just wasting my breath. I don't want any of you who read this to think anything extreem. I don't want to deprive you of your own time. You all have better things to do than listen to the bull I'm spyewing.
No, this is just a way for me to release my pent up emotions without having to bug someone with a ring just to spill this s**t. Though I bet I'm still probably bothering you all..
I'm just so sorry I'm being an idiot... I'm sorry I'm such a bad person.
Please...forgive my life, forgive my person, forgive my actions.
I just don't know any better...
Like a pup who wants to know the taste of Dad's shoe and solve all mysteries...
...I'm lost and confused...
Unsure of the future,
Unsure of the present and ashamed of the past...
...I'm always longing for someones loving embrace...
An embrace I know will never be given...
I'm so sorry for my actions, Please just forgive my stupidity...
 Yanachii · Sat Oct 01, 2005 @ 03:22am · 4 Comments |
