...Lately I've noticed I often find myself wondering...Is this feeling real or just imagined? Do I honestly want this...or am I just being naive? Is this serious...or just a game. Perhaps this is all test of love, a testiment of the heart, fate, and destiny? Is this want we both really want?
Perhaps neither of us are really looking into this deep enough... Or maybe...I'm just afraid... Afraid of what could happen, afraid of what has happened and what has yet to be.
It's obvious the future holds nothing but mystery for me. It's a void, a void of confusion. One that I often find myself lost within, unable to escape... It's unforgiving, never once choosing a side to favor. Though I long to see what it sees, long to know what it knows. ...I know I shall never comprihend things as it does...
I want to learn from my mistakes before they happen. ...I don't want to be hurt...I don't want to be burned. But for some reason...I know I will be unable to escape such a fate...
So often I find myself thinking such puzzling things that I wonder if my sanity still resides within me... I doubt it does...
...It saddens me that I can't seem to control such depressing thoughts. The way I burden those around me with my personal woes... I long to be able to control my actions. To be able to think before I speak, before I act... But I know I shall never have that much self control...
There's a pain burning in my heart right now. A pain I wish I could quell. I'm in love, that I will not doubt. I'm in love with a person to whome I personally do not know. We've spent hours chatting, years getting to know the other. And now...we've taken a step.
It's a step on which I stuggle to stay upon. This step...it's one I have never taken in my constantly aging life. Thus a step within a step...
My legs trembled and my arms shook as I stood upon its intangible surface. My thoughts bouced from the rationality of my brain to that of my heart. Deep down I knew I wanted to do this. I wanted to take this step to be with him... But as I stand here now, on this crumbling and constantly cracking surface, I want to know... am I just being childish about this sudden occurance? Am I perhaps taking things immaturely?
I know not at all if he feels the same as I. If his mind swims with the lead weighted thoughts that mine does. Does he perhaps think of this seriously...or as an elaberate game? A game to which we shall see how long it will last. How long our emotions can remain as they are for each other.... If any honestly exist...
The temptations of the world beyond that of the cybernetic reality often causes one to forget themselves. "It can't be real" you might say, might think, "How can you love a person you've never met?" Insanity one might say... "You're desperate" a debatable fact... But before you think more of such.....it would help to understand that the heart is a very delicate thing. A muscle that works in mysterious ways.
Perhaps...perhaps I am too naive, thinking far too critically of such a subject? But please, answer me this, if this all turns out to be some sort of game, a childish daydream, how will it end?
Am I asured the remainder of my sanity...?
Am I asured the future of my happiness...?
Am I asured that my life will go on...?
Or perhaps...shall it all just rust and tarnish and fade away into nothingness for the rest of enternity...?
This feeling isn't ment for me...
This feeling is ment for someone else...
I don't desirve their praise...
I don't desirve your love...
It's all one elaberate, unforseen fascade...
One far to big for my meek heart to understand...
I know...
It's unavoidable...
Eventually...
It will all fade away...
Eventually...
Everything will just disappear...
Disappear into the darkness of death...
Ugh...I'm sorry anyone who knows me personally and reads this...and if you honestly care... Myew...I'm sorry..-.-' I just had to get this all out of my head...
 Yanachii · Fri Sep 30, 2005 @ 03:21am · 0 Comments |
