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After long thinking and prolonged-aching, I've realized that my friends really aren't as true as they say they are, regardless of my own personal loyalty to them; that when given the chance, they'd turn on me in a second, whether it be to stab my back... or just forget about me.

I've noticed that I'm not a friend of my friends, moreso of a back-up plan if they get lonely, reason being that one person whom I've depended on so heavily at one point doesn't even include me in his little circle of close friends even though I'm always the one tending to their emotional wounds, always trying to look out for them.

Friendship is membership.

In a more specific instant, a group of supposedly close friends made shirts for one another, took pictures, put it all over myspace... and in that group of friends, I was the one forgotten; I was the one left out; I was the one untold and shunned.

Maybe this sick joke of a friendship is nothing more than a popularity contest among a circle of peers. How pathetic.

I can remember numerous instances where I had done so much for my "friend's" birthdays... gone all out - bought them balloons, a cake, a gift, and another gift - but they can't even REMEMBER mine. And when they make plans for my birthday three months after it's passing, they say, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Next year, I PROMISE."

B u l l s h i t .

I'm the last to be remembered, the last to be cared for. And now I'm starting to wonder why my allegiance still lies with you, the very people that tear my sanity apart.

Braitsch is so right. I shouldn't depend on others to make me happy, I should depend on my own will power and my own strength to keep me happy. I don't need psuedo friends... I need self-confidence.