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Damn it..
I dont know why.. after everything i've said.. everything i've done... i still chose you.. why?... out of everone in the world, it had to be you... why... why??? my feelings for you aren't there... no... their gone... damn it... why did i do what i did?!?!! why did i lead you on??? i made you think you had a chance.. and to just change my mind... i dont want us to be what you want... but i dont want you gone... i guess that does mean i still have feelings for you... but why now?? i tried so hard to get rid of them, thinking 'he''ll never want me back... he's happy, thats all that matters... he left me for a good reason, get over it...' you know... i told myself that i would never make a man bring me down... yet.. when you left.. my heart shattered.. and i cried... i never told you this, if i did i would of lost the small piece of pride i had left... so every feeling i had of us, i burned... -the feeling of anxiety when i waited for the phone to ring,.. my face turning bright red when you looked at me... my hands tremble, and the feeling of my heart pound out of my chest when i kissed you.. kissed anyone for the first time...- all gone... it was the hardest thing i had ever done... like someone was doing surgery without anesthetics.. it hurt... i couldn't even close my eyes with out your face being there... but i had done it.. after everything... it was finally gone... i could now walk again and look ahead... close my eyes and see nothing.. just the darkness... - but now... were back together.. and i j-just dont feel the same way you do... and with my stupidity i still said yes.. i shouldn't have done it.. now next time i see you... how will i react?.. will i be able to look at you... will i be able to hold you like i used to... will i even be able to kiss you?? ... i dont want to lie... i've never lied to you.. and i don't want to start... i just know you'll figure it out, so i'll just have to tell you... this isn't going to be easy... damn.. why did it have to happen like this? i guess there really isn't anyone to blame but ourselves... i want to be with you.. i just dont think its for the same reason... i'm just confused,- my head said one thing but my heart says another... i want to give us one month... see what happens... but no matter what... i will always love you.. i always have and always will... can you do me a favor... promise with me.. i want us to promise- that no matter what happens, we'll always be there for each other... stay close to one another... protect one another... because even if it wasn't meant to be... i love you.. it may not be the same... but it is the truth.. and even if something happens.. and you hate me... i'll always be there... you still mean.. so much to me... i dont know what i'll do if i lost you... like you said- we dont know the future.. who knows maybe i'm wrong... it wouldnt be the first time... untill that times come... i will try to gather all those ashes and rebuild them...
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