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A tourist in your own town

Lady Phi
Community Member
I will find a way without you...
I wish it didn't hurt this bad, I wish I could hate him but I can't, no matter how much he's hurt me and promised he wouldn't break my heart, and he did...I still can't.
I know he's found someone who's not only a million times prettier than me but probably so much better for him. I wish I could show him that I've gotten better, I would call him when he wanted me to, even more than that, just because I don't ever want to loose him again like I have now.
He said he'll always love me and blah blah blah but I know thats not true, he's probably head over heels for this chick he's found.
I want to hate her too but instead I thank her for being there for him and for making him happy and loved, the things I couldn't do for him.
I'd do amost anything to get him back but I know deep in my heart that its never going to happen, that I'm nothing but a memory that will soon fade away with time and his new found happiness.
I'm not exactly sure what to do with myself, to cry, to scream, to laugh, or...what?

I want to fill my dream of pursuing art but I fear I'm no where good enough to do that. I know that when I save enough money I'm going to Alaska. Everyone kind of laughs it off that I'm going to start my own commune there and live off the land but its true, I am leaving there as soon as possible.
I like places I've never been before, to observe the new, a change. when I'm there, before anyone comes to my village, I will never speak, I will live without the sound of my voice and soon forget it. There will be no music, no reason for me to sing, scream, or talk. I will be lost, no, immursed into my very own thoughts and possibly always be in my happy place...even if I have to imagine and talk to a tree just to fool myself that he's really there.
When I do allow people into my commune and do start to talk once again, I will hopefully by then have found me and my life will begin a new. Maybe I will find new love, but it won't ever be the same as true love or a soulmate as he was.
I'm sure my commune will be thought of as a bunch of dirty hippies to the outside world but to us it will be a sanctuary for the lost, the loveless, and those who plan to start a brand new chapter in their lives.
I'm sure when this place has been set up it will have tv's, phones, and computers...I don't think we'll really have any need for cars but who knows, we might need to buy some food from time to time if we don't make it ourselves.
I must sound like a crazy heart broken fool who sounds like their talking out of their a** but this will happen. One day, and hopefully it will happen, I will find myself, and in the end it will all be alright, fine, hunky-dory, etc.
(the new nic-name is kind of an inside joke...)

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