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I feel like there are too many people and not enough Nikki. I should probably give a bit of back history so one can understand the present. No worries I won't go back too far. *waynes world dodododo dodododo dodododo*

So about 2 weeks ago, wow, no almost 3 now, I was dumped by my boyfriend Steve. This was quite a blow because not only was this our second time trying to make it work, it was the first time I had ever been dumped. So of course I do something incredibly stupid and start dating a billion guys (really its like 15 or something but it might as well be a billion). I guess I needed to feel wanted again. That even though Steve didn't want me (his reason for leaving was because I just wasn't what he wanted *almost an exact qoute*) that other guys still do. So I went temporarily insane and started dating like nobody's business. I didn't feel anything for any of the guys that I went on these dates with (even though I slept with 2 of them). But now I have all these guys that still want to date me.

I tried to let them down gently but I've gotten 1 of 2 responses. Either they call me a b***h or they try to play the freind card but I know that they still see me as either a girlfriend or potential lay. I have seriously made a mess of things. I feel aweful telling them that I needed them to make me feel beautiful again but that there just wasn't a connection. The saddest bit though is that of all the guys that I have been dating recently I didn't find a single one I could see myself in a relationship with. Now I am so sick of dating that the thought of going out again makes me feel physically tired.

When did this happen? I used to love being single. Before Steve I enjoyed my freedom. But now I just want someone more perminant. Steve ruined me I think. No, thats not fair. Steve wasn't that attentive in the first place so the blame can't be entirely his. This whole situation sucks and I did it too myself. I was so starved for attention that I got it from anyone I could get it from and now I am screwed. I'm too flirty for any normal guy to take serious interest. I go out too much to be seen as anything more than a good time. Which is rediculous because I can count on 1 hand how many guys I have slept with including the 2 one night stands I had in the past few weeks. I had a friend a year ago tell me that I was more of a Marilyn and less of a Jacki O. That I am more brassy than classy. I'm sure they were right. And guys don't want that as a girlfriend just a good ********. But short of staying at home all the time and not flirting I don't know how to fix that. I feel like it would be fake if I were to play the innocent card.

I don't know. So I'm not dating right now. I have decided that until I can get passed the hurt feelings, It probably not a good idea to date. Besides, I think I want to wait for a real connection with someone. It gets lonely waiting for Prince Charming but I'm tired of kissing frogs. We'll see.