It's 3 am, the clocks still ticking, and here i am sitting in a chair getting ready to write a whole rant, shaking off the excess caffiene i consumed earlier... either that or it's me shaking from my thoughts. This rant my friends... is about the one they call my brother.
My brother... such an unfitting term... i have been trying to sleep for an hour now without any progress... thoughts running through my head 5 miles a minute. I started crying uncontrolably with my niece asleep right next to me. My thoughts? about hatred. I ran to the bathroom to clear my head but all that runs through it is how much i dislike my own brother. The one who's supposed to be part of my own flesh and blood.
I hate him.
I hate how he always puts our parents down and doens't think of what they have done for him
I hate how he has so many little horrible surprises about him
I hate how he complains about life and says he tries to do things about it and never really does
I hate when he says it's mom and dad's fault he's the way he is, and i think 'couldn't you have just fixed it and moved on? forget about it already'
I hate how he doesn't even realize how he's affected me and my own life as well as my parent's.
I hate how i don't want a boyfriend or future spouse in fear that i might find out little horrible surprises they might be hiding on me, just like my brother. It's like every guy i know... is just like him in some way. I fear that i will find the wrong kind of person and they will be just like him. I wouldn't be able to live with that. Yes my friends... now you know the truth. My brother is the reason why i don't want to date.
I hate that he never took the time to put me in his schedule
I hate that he's not even the person he was going to be
I hate that he doesn't treat life like life at all
I hate that i even care.
Dare i say, i even sometimes dislike the thought of us being related...
I hate how he's always trying to make up for all the years he lost on not spending time with his sister.
I can definately feel like him and i are related... but i don't know how...
He's scarred me and he doesn't even know
I hate all the stupid things he's done
I hate how he blames all those stupid things on mom and dad when he could have taken things into his own hands. Through all these years of having emotional trauma from that guy... i've overcome most of it. I haven't succumed to it. I fought it.
I don't drink because i don't want to be like him
I don't do drugs, because i don't want to be like him
I don't make friends with the kind of people he makes friends with...
I can't stand my brother as you can tell... the only good thing i like about him is his kindness... seen very seldom.
So much is racing through my mind... but i can't put it all down into words... it's almost 3:30 and he's not home... just like it was before... he's going to drive home drunk tonight... stagger through that door, probably try to talk to me heart to heart if i'm still here, and then pass out on the couch... just like it was... every night he lived here before.
Sometimes i want to tell him everything i think about him... but i can't seem to find out where to start or where i'd end. Sometimes i think maybe it would explain everything if i just jumped out of the car one day and ran off in a fit.
For years i've had to deal with his crap... and over the years it became routine... a normal thing to happen... but now it's past the point of routine and went into the area of ridiculous... he's a grown man... and he still acts like a stupid teenager. i know afew people like that... but he's just too much. I'm sorry, you don't need to read all this, but i just needed to vent out my feelings even though this doesn't feel quite enough... it will have to do. If i don't vent then i'll get overwhelmed and chances are someone's going to experience channy bursting out into tears in broad daylight. It just needs to be recorded onto something so she doesn't explode from all the pent up things inside her...
Itchy Gonzalles Community Member 
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