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GEEZ I SWEAR. SOME PEOPLE, GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh, okay, i'm reading this really great book (for adults only, shh... don't tell, sry, but adult romance is so much more fun reading cuz they actually say 'i love you' at some point and mean it, teen romance is more of a 'i love you, have sex with me' kinda thing, they only say it to get what they want, but adult romance, they say it to mean it. I won't even start about the kids cuz all they ever do is a kiss and a 'happily ever after' sure whatever.) Anyway, it's great and all, but the fanasty inside the fanasty starts to seem a little too... unreal. Some part of my mind has already made up a fanasty world and constantly compares everything else to it, if it's not exactly like what i have in my mind, it's not real enough. I don't know... it's just like, my fanasty world is better to me and it's all i have to keep to myself, i can try all i want to find someone who'll write what i feel about my world out of paper, but it'll just never be the same unless it comes from me, you know? no, you probably don't know... ugh, how can i explain this without driving you into my madness? how can i possibly explain why i used to think that i would save the world by the time i finally understood what 'feminine products' were or what 'it' refered to? how can i possibly explain why i want to be fearless? how can i even explain to you my fears when you can't even imagine what i've been through? what i feel like i'm still going through? how can i explain something to you when i don't get it myself and yet somewhere off in my blindness something calls out of me to keep me sane. i. just. CAN'T. it's not that simple, and yet i want you to know, i want someone to understand. How can i trust you with my doubts and hopes and dreams if i can't really even trust myself? I can't even really tell Lauren and she's my best friend, i can't keep anything from her, i'm not supposed to, so what am i doing? is it wrong to hide from something you want and can do? is it wrong to pretend every day that you're something you're not? is it so wrong to want to wear blue lipstick, a masquerade mask, a 19th century dress, and fake vampire fangs just to hide who you are and what you feel like? no, it's not wrong, not to me. but how can i possibly preach that nobody should care about other people's opinion when i secretly want to drink in their comments and know what their thinking myself? i'm such a hypocrite and i really do suck. i suck so badly you would never understand. i should rot in hell and never come back. that would be the best thing for me. it really would... this is a goodbye within a goodbye. if i come back, it's not because i want to be here, it's because i want to win the only game of life.
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