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Perfectly Pretentious
While engaged in a bit of chit chat with a friend the other night, I came upon a most surprising elucidation. Although I have progressed quite well in the experimental and highly informal programme that I volunteered for over five years ago to recover from the tenacious tendency toward perfectionalism, I still suffer from small outbursts in some of my efforts from time to time. ANYWAY, in typical psychological fashion, my friend and I pinpointed childhood trauma to various aspects of our social disorders and handicaps. This perceived need to do everything exactly "right", I figured out that that comes from a fear of the paternal element. He was a scary man. Maybe because he angered easily and abused freely. Regardless, early on I was able to recognise that I could avoid any manifestation of his reckless wrath if I just did nothing to upset him. That meant doing everything "right". "Right", at least in the sense that he figured anyway, was somehow translated as "perfect" and that became my defense against him and his unspoken idealism. If I did things perfectly, he would not become upset at me and I could at least avoid a spanking if not a little bit of favour in terms of toys and treats. How is that for a primer on being loved and respected? It sounds peculiar, sure, especially now that I see that I play out the same behaviour with respect to my superiors, including teachers and professors, and actually all authority figures in my life. Just do as they say (or make it seem so anyway) and they will not mistreat you. In the sense that they do not mistreat me, I feel some ease... a bit of comfort, respect, and maybe even love. How twisted is that? But that is how it has come to be, a real seemingly wholesome UNgenuine "me". So how can I know what I really feel when I am so preoccupied with fending off fear of rejection and abuse? It is all adulthood drama inspired from childhood trauma.
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