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I decided to finally let down my guard and relax today, that way I could play around and joke with my mom. I haven't had a lot of time to talk to her as of late, so I wanted to spend some time with her while I had still had some. Boy do I make the biggest mistakes of all time. I mean, I love my mom and all, but she always has to bring him up. About how I always act like him at some moments and assume his personality, that I remind her so much of him. I don't want to talk about my brother, she knows that. Why can't she ever understand that it hurts to bring him up or to even think about all of the fun times that I used to have playing around with him. It hurt when I lost him, I just wanted nothing to do with anyone. Everyone thinks that it hurts the most when someone dies, they're dead wrong. What hurts is when the person you loved and looked up to since you were born turns their back on you for some stupid b***h that will only use him. Yes, he turned his back on his little sister for some slutty b***h of a wife.

I used to go everywhere with him; to the library, to the movie theater, to get something to eat, to the mall, heck, even to the grocery store. I had always looked up to him as my idol and the person I had always trusted. On the weekends, I wanted to do nothing but spend time with my big bro. He had always been there for me, I could always talk to him no matter what, and he always knew how to cheer me up when I was down. I mean, we would get into a lot of fights and we would get on each other's nerves, but that's how siblings are - they fight over little things. Though, through all of those little sibling fights, I never hated him and I was never really mad at him. I'd always spend those few nights a week with him when wrestling was on and watch it with him. It did usually ended up with us wrestling in the end as well. That was one night that our parents didn't bother either one of us, even when he got married to his first wife we never quit watching wrestling together every week. When he moved out with his wife, I would always go over there and watch it with him, even when it was a school night.

After he got married, I didn't get to be around him as much or see him as much, but we would always spend as much time as we could together. After school, my mom would take me up to his work and I would usually spend the afternoon there. Eventually he quit that job to go onto another one, but this time I could just go in there whenever I wanted. After about a year, he ended up divorcing his wife. After about 6 months he ended up finding a new girlfriend. She didn't want him to be around me or even talk to me. I'm not sure why, what was a 10 year old going to do? He actually did it to, he turned his back on me and wanted nothing more to do with me. He told me to get the ******** out of his life, yes he actually said that. It hurt, more than a knife, a gun, a rock, or any other weapon could have. I was still only a kid and everyone thought I would be okay with it.

Eventually, I just cut the connection I had with everyone off. My family, my friends, and anyone that I previously cared about. It didn't matter who I still had in my life, it didn't matter what I had, nothing mattered except the fact that I had lost the one person I cared most for. I never knew one person could have so much effect in one's life. I know I was only ten, but how else was I supposed to deal with something like that when everyone assumed that I was fine and that I would eventually get over it. Get over it? How do you get over being told to get the ******** out of someone's life when you're only ten and for it to be your older sibling? That's preposterous. You don't tell a kid that, ever. Now that he was out of my life, I thought that things were over, but I was wrong about that like so many other things.

Our grandmother fell ill and died of cancer back on Christmas of 2005, so I ended up having to be around my brother again. He didn't have the same girlfriend this time and he seemed a lot more sincere and somewhat like he used to be. I foolishly let down my guard for him and let him back in my heart as the loving, big brother that he once was. That week, it was like how it used to be, fun times, wrestling around, and it was like I was a fun, loving, little sister like I used to be. We were there for our grandmother, but we kind of started bonding again, until that Thursday. It looked like he had been high or something, but when we were done with the funeral and my mom was talking to him, he suddenly became real angry. He said that he didn't give a ******** about anyone in the family, that he didn't give a ******** about me, mom, dad, our aunt, no one. Boy did I ******** up again with letting someone in. I became distant yet again and put up a facade to everyone. They thought that things would pass in time. They need to learn that with me, they won't. It will never stop hurting and it will never be okay.