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I've come to the conclusion that I really don't know what I want from my life. I have goals, I just don't quite know how to achieve them. And I'm also freaking out because I don't have a job for summer. I know what jobs I want to do, and what jobs I can't do (ie, serving or working in a restaurant), but I'm not quite sure what I can do for a job. Minimum wage, yeah, that's an idea, but I'm not sure that will be enough. I don't think catering or working in a country club would be too bad. I just need to get applications in to pretty much everywhere that I can. Even if I have to work two jobs to save up enough money to move, I will.

But that's kind of a short term goal. I have so many long-term ones that I have no idea where to begin. I want to be a published and bestselling author, and a screenwriter. I've known that for a really long time now, but I have to break into the business, and to do that, I have to finish a publishable novel. I'm honestly starting to wonder if I'm driven enough to be able to do that. I hate thinking like that, because so many of my aspirations are based off of having enough money to be able to travel freely, without having to worry about work. But I might be scared of doing anything as fantastic as that, so I'm not pushing myself. I have a horrible time pushing myself to achieve more than I think is possible. I just can't find the stubbornness inside of myself to be able to stick to it. I'm also so incredibly ADD when it comes to what I'm interested in. Just for an example... I want to learn to sing, belly dance, ride horses, train dogs, swordfight, tango, modern dance, ice skate, photograph things well, cook, bake, garden, make herbal concotions, palm read, communicate telepathically, breed bettas, do gymnastics, get a black belt in karate, build things well, act, sew and make my own clothes, ... see what I mean?? How am I going to manage to do all THAT in a lifetime?

I'm also confused about where I want to go with my life. I'd love to travel out west with Katey and Jacob and Spikey and Jenny and get a horsey ranch/bed and breakfast thingy set up. That would just be so incredibly amazing to live and work with them every day for the rest of my life. But as ultimate as that seems, I don't think that it's an entirely realistic goal. I hate saying that because that's my biggest dream, but it's really based (once again) off of getting enough money to be able to do it. I don't have as big of a passion as Katey and Jacob when it comes to working with horses. I like it and it's fun, but... horses intimidate me. I guess I really don't have as much exposure to them as I'd like to. But then, I'd be in charge of the bed and breakfast, and I might not do that well, because I have no accounting background, and my budgeting skills kind of suck.

I know I want to be married, and get married only once in my life, adopt children from all over the world (mostly girls though, from India and China, to save them from oppression), be surrounded by cats of all breeds, live in the country in a large house, and be successful at whatever it is that I end up doing. I want to be physically active, spiritually aware, have a healthy sex life, and emotionally stable. I want to be in love with my husband, and happy with my life, and surrounded by friends who truly appreciate and love me. I want to be hugged 800 times a day, and be one of the most friendly, open-minded people that I know.

I just wanted to get this out there, and to see what people have to say about it all, because I feel so torn right now, as though my life can go in so many different directions, but I don't know which one will take me down the right path. Fortunately, my fate line is deep and only has one "X" in it, so I'm fairly certain that I'm heading in the right direction. Or maybe I'm just special in that whatever I do, I'll be successful at. Let's hope it's that. ^__^