don't yous all wanna be like me?

I'm JT.
I'm 20 some years young.
I'm too stupid to remember my exact age.
I got a bunch of sisters who are bitches and liked to beat me up after school when I was in high school.
I'm a lady's man. It's like I got a hot-woman-magnet implanted somewhere in my body, cuz them chicks all attach themselves to me.
I can't afford a car, so I ride the public bus like a boss. I sit at the back with all the cool people in the accordion buses.
I got a pet schnauzer named Fang. He's a scary beast, so I gotta keep him in a muzzle at all times when we go for walks, cuz he could really injure someone.
I used to smoke. Then I got a pack with a warning saying "Smoking may cause sexual impotency." Haven't smoked since.
I love wine. The cheaper the better.
Chocolate is like wine. The cheaper the better. Nestle all the way, you know what I'm saying.
I like beer. Cheaper the better, I love Labatt and Molson and all that good stuff.
I have a different gf every month, cuz none of them able to handle a man like me for longer than that, cuz they go crazy.
5 women I dated in the last year ended up in the psych ward.
I like to take women for rides in my spaceship, and fly them to the moon. That's one of the reason they end up in the psych ward so frequently.
I eat like a man. No vegan s**t for me. That's for sissies. I like to indulge myself in steak, and chicken feet at least once a day, you know what I'm saying.
I like blaring rap music at the back of the accordion buses, like a boss, know what I'm saying.
One time I jumped the bus and got caught by the transit police and got fined 150$, because I'm cool like that.
I like washing myself with Lysol, cuz that s**t kill 99.9% of germs, and when you got a chick magnet in you like I do, you get covered in germs easily.
I'm Catholic for Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and exorcisms. You got a problem with that, then you aint getting no Christmas presents from me, you know what I'm saying. You go sit lonely presentless in the corner.
I wear Fruit of the Loom. Calvin Klein is for feminine men.
I like sleeping at the back of accordion buses like a boss.
Some b***h tried to bring me to Maury pawning her baby off on me. But joke's on her, cuz Maury is in USA and we're here in Canada.
I got drunk once and hit on my sister, but like a boss, not like some desperate sissy.
I went to confession at Easter, and the priest told me I'm so bad that not even Mr. Clean Magic Eraser can erase all my sins.
I love eating bananas and Popsicle brand ice pops, ya know, so good.
I like going out to diners at 2am and ordering breakfast. Then after I go ride the back of the accordion bus like a boss.
I like wearing crucifix bling.
I'm white, but I don't get burn in the sun, cuz I'm hotter than the sun, you know what I'm saying.