It all started so normally. There I was, standing at my locker, when all of a sudden, I saw a girl. No, not just any girl; the girl of my dreams. I did not know her. Not her name, not her astrological sign, not even her favorite type of wallpaper. All I knew was that we would be together someday, if she wanted it or not.
It was an average Monday morning, with nothing out of the usual, and nothing out of place. The dinosaurs that usually roamed the halls were there, roaring and carrying on as usual, the teachers took turns throwing darts at the children, and the class schizophrenic was starting up her first nervous breakdown of the day. Oh yeah, and I was doing the aforementioned locker-standing. Just as I began wrestling with the possessed lawn gnome that had taken refuge in my locker, a new kid walked by.
I saw beauty in everything about her. Her acne-ridden face, while red and obviously infected, intrigued me. A wave of oily bleached-blonde hair ran down her back, the mousey brown roots only adding to the unsurpassed beauty that seemed to radiate from her in a similar fashion as her fragrance (sort of a rotting-trash plus cheese bubblegum smell). Her right leg dragged behind her in such a nonchalant, sultry way that commanded my undivided attention. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Well, that’s an exaggeration. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen is a koala fighting a polar bear, but that’s off topic.
As she got closer to me, someone yelled. The words, “HEY, GEOFF, WHAT’S UP?” rang through the halls. Now, of course, that is probably the most important part of the story. It is irrelevant, and will not be mentioned again, but if there is one thing that you remember of this tale, that should be it.
Anyways . . .
The girl’s stride became more unstable as she walked closer to me. Her walk, at first reminiscent of a seal’s lumbering gait, was now more closely related to a clubbed seal’s lumbering gait. This only heightened my attraction.
At last, she reached me. I dropped my jaw and fell against the water fountain, anticipating some sort of nuclear blast, but what happened was about two times as cool.
She ran right into me.
It was like the planets were colliding, but in this case, the only thing that could technically be classified as a planet near us was Marcy Catskill, who actually had a gravitational pull that often aided her in her kleptomania. That doesn’t matter, though. What really matters is what she said when we touched. It was the most meaningful string of words I had ever heard. Well, really, the most meaningful string of words I’ve ever heard is “Dude… there’s a murderer behind you,” but once again, that’s off topic. Maybe I should tell you what she said. Immediately upon our contact, she yelled….
Wait for it… She yelled…
“Get out of my way, loser. It’s no wonder why that gnome is stealing your stuff.”
Now, my first reaction was to get my books back from the gnome, which involved my tazer, but as soon as I was finished with that, I fell on my knees and started praying to the god that the girl’s voice finally made me realize existed.
That was the last I ever saw of my dream wife. She moved to Canada a few minutes later because of an impending zombie apocalypse that would take place in thirty years unless she kidnapped the president, or something like that. I’d go into more detail about that, but it’s such a boring story. I’m sure that this topic held your interest much better.