The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?: 'Hold my purse.'

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The road to success is always under construction.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back."

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48

You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?

Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
Put a little boogy in it!

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

You laugh because I'm different.........I laugh cause I just farted!

He who laughs last didn't get it.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!