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My "I hate" Rant
Bagels. I don't know how stupid Americans started liking bagels in the late 90s, but allow me to mock you and condemn the ABSURD ACT OF EATING PLAIN BREAD WITH NO TOPPING OR TOASTING. My favorite bagels are the 12-for-$2 bagels that you get in the grocery store--the ones you actually TOAST and put cream cheese on. Yet unbelievable amounts of people will go order plain bagels (or sesame, or whatever) and just EAT THEM PLAIN!!!!! Perhaps I'm blowing this out of proportion but I can't remember ever seeing someone walk into a Safeway, buy a loaf of bread, then casually eat it while walking around on the street, hands in pockets, whistling, all the while moaning in pleasure for how "mmmmmm good" it is. I hate you, bagels.
Waiters who ask, "Would you like to hear our specials?" and then proceed to list about 62 DIFFERENT SPECIALS WITHOUT STOPPING TO SEE IF WE CARE ANYMORE. How many times have you been at a table when this horrific monologue started, and you and your friends are just looking at each other embarrassedly? "Please stop," I whimper to myself. "Please stop." If I were a waiter and I saw 4 of my customers looking down at the table, inspecting the nearest fleck of microscopic dust, and slowly reaching for a screwdriver with which to kill themselves--aka NOBODY WAS LISTENING TO ME--I would probably stop, leave, and send free drinks for everyone to atone for my mortal error. Quick tip: If it looks like someone is going through the pain of giving birth while listening to you, you can safely assume TO STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW.
Hotel food, probably the worst of all. It's still stupendously shocking to me that people book receptions/fancy meals at hotels, only to be faced with 8195153 pieces of silverware (ooh that's really fancy, I'm so impressed), lukewarm chicken that tastes like glue, and no hot pepper. Get a life, hotels
Anybody who starts an essay by defining a term. How many juvenile essays have you seen that begin like this? "Webster's defines impropriety as blah blah this essay will be read by no one because I am a horribly boring writer." Why not just announce that you are a moron in the title of your paper? WE ALL SPEAK ENGLISH AND DON'T NEED A DEFINITION IN THE MOST IMPORTANT REAL ESTATE OF A PAPER--THE FIRST SENTENCE. The best part about making this observation is that the people who write like this (and would therefore be the most offended) simply lack the faculties to write back to me and complain. I win!!!
The unbearably little amount of cheese in the regular (not supreme) Taco Bell nachos. WHY!!! Taco Bell, I have sung your praises for so long!!!
Closing after the sale. This is when someone GETS what they want, but continue to argue for it. The other day, I was eating at an Italian restaurant with a bunch of friends, and the waiter was one of those idiots who talks and talks and everyone wants him to leave. Unfortunately, the person who was in charge of coordinating the dinner was the kind of guy who can't lay it down and tell someone to shut up, so our ENTIRE table was subjected to the most horrendous type of monologue imaginable. Finally, when the guy placed the order (THIS WAS OVER 5 MINUTES AFTER THE WAITER CAME, I KID YOU NOT), the waiter CONTINUED saying why this was a good choice, why it was the softest pasta on the menu, etc. WE ALREADY PLACED THE ORDER. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SELL ANYMORE. PLEASE LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Closing after the sale is also a cardinal sin for salesmen. Watch for it next time you're out and please just stop the people and tell them what they're doing. Collectively we can begin shaming these people into stopping talking.
When you wear a white dress shirt, praying that you will not go out to lunch, but are of course invited out to Italian food, where you spill a huge glob of red sauce on your shirt. Too personal of a story?
ANYBODY who points at the stars and says "Can you see that? It's the [some astronomical term.] I genuinely believe that literally everyone who says this is lying. YES!!! YOU ARE LYING!!! NOBODY CAN TELL WHAT THOSE STARS ARE!!! And the most amusing part of this is standing next to other people who nod like lemmings and say "Oh yeah.....I think I can see it!!" Can you also see me stealing your wallet?
(things with silver hearts are my pet peves, and are the most funny)
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Cold fries at fast-food restaurants. These alone are enough to enrage the common man. But looking beneath the surface, I hate one thing even more: the poor saps that take these fries and don't complain at all. And the finger-pointing ends on one group: the stupid American consumer.
PLEASE, FRIES EXIST FOR ONE REASON: TO SERVE AS HOT, NOURISHING SUSTENANCE FOR YOU. If they're not hot, they're not FRIES. And seriously--ask for what you want. If your fries are cold, they'll make them hot for free. If the pants you're buying have a button missing, ask for a discount. If you're not happy with the service, tip less. If DO I REALLY NEED TO GO ON?! JUST ASK YOURSELF THIS SIMPLE QUESTION: WWAID? That's short for What Would An Indian Do?
Tailgating: What is it about being in a metal contraption that gives us a sense of invulnerability? This is like getting mugged and then following the mugger as he runs away, all the while tapping him on the shoulder. WHY
Another thing: Learn how to pump your own damn gas. (People that live in NJ etc, yes we know that you're legally not allowed to pump yours, so thanks.) There is absolutely no excuse for not knowing how to do this, people. My parents were so smart that they made us think we were LUCKY to be able to pump gas. Meanwhile, they chilled in the car and listened to the radio!! Brilliant!!! I will be fortunate enough to pass on that wisdom as soon as my toddler child can walk.
Movie theatre seating that is not staggered. Thank you, seat designers, for making me stare into the back of someone's head for 2 hours instead of simply moving my row 3 inches to the right. ANGER!!!!!!!!!! But to be honest, if I were the seat designer and I did this (whether intentional or just a stupid oversight), on the first day I would go into the theatre with a humongous hat and just listen to the whispers behind me. Might as well get some laughs out of it, I guess.
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I support...
Vizzed Board,
Retro Gaming
MapleStory