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Once upon a time I meant the world to you. You meant the world to me, too.
I'm still not certain how to put this into words.

It began one bleak winter day in February of 2014. I was minding my own business, idling in Towns2 as I always had been at the time. Then you decided to say hello.
I didn't know it yet, but that would be the start of something great. Something significant. Something wonderful.

I remember being kind of annoyed at first, but I eventually caved and started talking to you more and more. Little by little, we grew closer. We started telling each other everything. We were both coming out of a very dark place in our lives. I guess fate has a way of bringing two people together when they need each other most, doesn't it?

Over the years we sort of became a support network for each other. I didn't really have many people around at the time, and neither did you. I remember staying up countless nights with you, just trying to convince you that it was all going to be worth it in the end. That there was more to look forward to. And I remember you would do the same for me. We were always there for each other. No matter what.
Sure, we had our fair share of fights, but what friends don't argue with each other every now and then? It was always over something so silly honestly, looking back on it. But we always found our way back. Even after days, weeks, or even months of not speaking. You and I were inseparable. Or so it seemed.

Of course as they say every rose has its thorn. Eventually emotions got pretty high, and feelings started to develop. I could feel it gradually becoming clearer and clearer to me that you felt more for me than just friendship. However, I had been in relationships since then, and during then, so I always had to brush it off. I still feel awful for that. It sent you down some roads I wish you'd never gone. But I understand your need for companionship. I'm just sorry I couldn't be that for you at the time. I was too busy getting wrapped up in my own mixed feelings, trying to ignore it. It felt awful to me having to listen to the way you were being treated, but I was always there for you, like we promised. It was the least I could do.

Of course those relationships all failed, as they often do. Eventually we were both single again, and back at square one. So of course, the questions started coming up. I was still afraid, though. I was afraid to commit myself to anyone at that point after giving so much to others. Was I being selfish? Maybe. But that's for another entry.

Tensions continued to build. Plans began to be made. Eventually we both got the idea in our heads to move myself out there, with you, to Texas. It had been just about seven years since we'd met at this point. Your whole family was aware of me, and I regrettably hadn't told anyone about you. I understand your frustration with that, though, but my track record with telling people about online friendships and relationships hadn't been very good up til that point, so you would have to forgive my hesitance to tell anyone about another one of them. I eventually did tell my sister about you, though, and for a time it really did seem like you were going to fit right in with the rest of my family. I was getting myself ready to make it all known.

Among those plans that were being made was one to go out there for a visit first. Just to spend some time with you before I decided to pick my things up and move out there for real. A reasonable notion, really. So the plan was made to come visit you on the week of your birthday. I figured that would be as good a time as any for some celebration. Especially to finally get to meet my best friend face to face. I had even planned to proclaim my love for you in person, to finally make things official. You even set yourself a countdown to that day and everything. It really felt like things were coming together and I was finally going to be with the woman I love. I eventually got the time off of work cleared with my boss, and it was all set.

Unfortunately, not all was well.

In the months leading up to our little trip, we got into talking more and more about our potential future. You had your ideas. I had mine. Unfortunately, these didn't always mix well together. I suppose this is something I should've accounted for long before then. We both should have.
Years had gone by since we met and things, as they often do, tend to change. People change. Suddenly it began to become clearer and clearer that, as you put it you're "not the girl I think you are."
If I had a nickle for every time I heard that one, I swear I'd be rich by now. I hate hearing that phrase. I hate that it always seems to come down to this. But here we are.

It's been three months since we had our last fight. I left you a birthday wish on your birthday at least. I'm glad you appreciated that. Even after cutting me out of your life, you left that one way for me to get through to you. Almost as if you had hoped I would. But things aren't the same anymore. You really have changed. And the truth is, I'm happy you did.

I am genuinely happy that you're happy. I'm happy that you finally seem to be doing better. I'm happy that you no longer need me in your life.
That's why I'm saying goodbye.

See, I knew a day would come where we would no longer need each other. I knew you would eventually learn to stand on your own two feet.
What I didn't account for, was falling in love with you.
And I'm sorry.
I'm really, truly sorry. I didn't mean for things to end the way they did.

I hope someday you're able to find the one who will make you feel like the best version of yourself you could possibly be.
I'll always be here, Amanda.

Thank you.