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cruelist dream reality
idk what is it about life that just makes everything so hard on us i say us couse i dont just mean on me but on everyone in this world yeah some have it easy and we think oh yeah they got it easy but look at it from there view as a show said "everyone has scar's on there heart he who dosn't has a very shallow soul" and you know what that's very true and with everyone theres a hole within everyones soul that no one wants to see but the truly close are able to see it and still stay with the person but i just dont know if i can show that to any one and know that they would stay for absolutly sure so i dont know whats going to happen to me i once got a note from my ex-girlfriend's friend that says she isn't sure if i'm able to actually feel love couse of all the times i've hurt the one's that i thought i loved or at least cared for and right now i'm not sure if i can actually feel true love and keep it couse i thought i found true love and then no it changes and everything go's down the shitter i would want one thing really though through all of this is that the people i've met through my life at least remember me with something good but with all the lives i've ******** up i extreamly dont think that they can becouse of me i have caused people to start cutting, starving themself, throwing up, and then i got there hope's up to let them all crash down again because i found that if i'm around anyone i end up killing them slowly and so far it's true with the people i left to the people i went to i still always hurt them no matter how i try it always go's wrong in the end and i just dont know what to do anymore i would really just kind of like to leave and try and start over again to where no one knows me i wont tell them anything about my past and i'll try to become some one else completly so that i at the very least have a chance at making some one's life not a complete living hell and also have the feeling of being wanted and loved (hopfully) but who i am hate's who i've been and the thing is i still do hate who i am yeah right now i can complain about my life but i'm not going to exept that right now i have a few girl problems and that's starting to give me a HUGE headache and i have no one i can talk to about it because i'll ruin everything with that too so i have nothing right now but to type all this which (i hope) no one i know will read this because i'm really thinking of just leaving getting on a bus and going to idk anywhere far from this place somewhere i dont know anyone so then i have a new chance at life like i said before but i dont know how i would be able to do all this cause i'm only 16 and if you think oh this person's just a kid he doesn't know s**t about life then you'd be wrong i have been through more then most people have i know you dont believe it but it's true i dont want to tell you but believe me about this one k but anyways back to what i was saying i have no way to get there cause i'm 16 no job no parents and no way of making money to get there i'm looking for a job so i can get out of here idk if i leave it'll hurt some people (not many) and i dont want to hurt anyone else but if i stay i'll most likly hurt them alot more so i want to leave them to get better i'm not sure of what to do though i just dont know any more i have no one to talk to and no one to help me through any of this i dont even know why i'm typing all this i guess its in the hope someone will read this and be able to help but i still dont anyone can but hey they might k but anyways i just want to love with out the pain of it all i guess and i dont know how to find it and i just dont get the point of life at all anymore and it just seems to be getting more and more pointless by the day i dont want to end my life but it just seems like there's nothing out here for me i can either stay unhappy all the time i can become a man whore and have tons of sex pretending i'm happy (which i dont want to do) or i can try over again and give it my all to the life i'm making and (at least try) to be happy yeah i dont think i'd know a good thing though if i came up and simply slit my throught so no matter what i have i think it'll ******** me over anyways so yeah idk what to do anymore i just dont care anymore about anything i'm doing some volenteering at a place called scream at the beach and that's the only thing that's been able to make me have fun and to be happy anymore people just annoy me at this point some more then others but who i'm staying with (kinda) i like being around here but i see how much i hurt her by not being happy and i cant pretend to be happy anymore it's to hard at this point for me so i just hurt her and that bothers me and we just fight and i hate it this all sucks, life sucks, people suck, and school really sucks yeah it's amazing that i'm still in school judges say so and so do people i've talked to but yeah i am and i'm trying to get my life together so i can have a better life when i'm older but i dont think i can have a good life as long as i'm here so yeah i just want to leave and not come back but i'm going to stop writing so i can do something else before i depress myself (yeah this is me normal)(sad isnt it) this is why i put the subject as cruelist dream reaslity because if you think about it it is
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