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lmao Alex had me download a tarot app & w o w yeah I need to let go. This was the inevitable end.

Psycho wants to take me seriously. I’m keeping him at arms length. Because he’ll be the death of me. New two want something serious too. I entertain nothing. Nothing. But.

W
O
W

I am scum. I am the scum of scum & I get nothing but FIEJWIIWNAOSNWNDKED Z K IXJDNDJ B ZNXJDJDJSISJ


Ok






So.


I’m making a new fb. New social all around. Chuck that one when the SADs comes around & I take my cruise with the crew.
Detach. Erase. Forget.



Okay. So.
I am bipolar.
And because of years of abuse & watching horrible things happen to my family
I have ptsd
This makes me:
Anxious about relationships
Anxious about the future/my relationships future
Anxious about my partners thoughts of me/the relationship/how our circle views us
Depressed about the years I miss
Depressed about the memories I’ve lost
Depressed that I can’t relate, or feel certain things emotionally
Depressed about the things I CAN remember/certain days that were really traumatizing/Permanent symptoms & damage that I have to live with.
Love starved
Attention/affection starved
I’m learning so much for the first time
& unlearning things too
I make mistakes, maybe more so from mania
Panicked decisions with my brain in survival mode
Preserve what’s left

But now that I’m my own person I’ve learned to calm my anxieties. Ease my depression. I apologize. I fix what I can. I talk things out. I open up. I speak up. I learn to Live with Me.
I’m sorry that everyone cannot Live With Me. Or others like me. It is a struggle that few get to choose. & I’m glad you made the decision. Because it pushes me to try harder. To make myself a little better, & a little easier to Live With. Coexist with. Love.

I will let my limitless love soar
& let it guide me to my galaxy of possibilities
I may not love romantically again
But I will love


I’m done. This is the last one. This is it.

Update for no one but my failing memory

So the virus shut down all my plans

Landlord wants us to move in still

Job still hired me/promoted me. Did the drug testing & fingerprinting.

Went to the docs. GYN. Therapists. Psychiatrists.

I fixed everything.
Still just as tired
Still just as empty
Still just as lonely.

Two new people are floating into the hemisphere
I’m not interested.
Psycho is loosening his hold now that I’m sending the energy back

Burn the world down

In all seriousness. I’m keeping to it. No intimacy. Celibate.
I’m enjoying making friends. But it’s frustrating how many people I’m finding only want sex from me
& not even because they want to be with me. Just because. Sex. & I seem like someone who would be willing.
Ugh.

The new two seem pure. But like I said.
I’m tired. I don’t want to try again.

I still spend almost every night... crying at least a little bit. Because I can’t help it. I can’t help but think about it.

I called him accidentally.

What I told him was: I had a dream I called. No reason. Just a weird dream.
I should’ve said it just happened. No idea why

What REALLY happened. I’ve been having a horrible take sleeping lately because I just. Sob. About him. About how I was just another poorly written chapter. About how I didn’t bring Her uo because I knew when it came to it
It was never me
It would never be me
Because I’m not Her
I just sob about him and us & how I miss him & being held by him & seeing his sweet sleeping face & that cute barely there snore so I just

Started sleeping with his picture

It worked

I tried only doing it once in a while.
But that night I kept waking up & I just. Did it. & of course. My finger slips. The .2 inch to calling. & living a waking nightmare.

He was sweet as always. Poked fun as always. I overstepped as always.
Should know better
He’s just that good of a friend
He doesn’t care like that. Really. He made his choice. He can’t do it anymore. It’s too much. You’re too much. There had to be change

I changed everything

I solidified everything

It doesn’t matter

Because it’s me

I’m not the one.

I don’t know who I’ll be perfect for

But for now I’m ok with me.
She’s ok when she wants to be.

More music please

Not singing anymore

It hurts to do it
It hurts to breath
My eyes hurt from crying but
I’ll never stop
Your mother doesn’t like me
Mine hates you
Your siblings don’t know
Mine don’t either
I’ll love you forever
But for now
I hate you
Not really


But a little

I have to stop. I got enough out now.

I have nothing else to work on.

So I work on my passion. & bits of my present.
Because my future is s**t without him in it but I gotta live it anyways
Knowing that my everything needs better than me

I need to stop

I need to smoke more

I need to be held

Number 2 wants to visit

I hate myself more than I hate him.

Stop.